I started getting suspicious due to the typical "cheater" signs he was exhibiting recently. I confronted him, and when I did he told me to go through his emails, facebook etc (i know the passwords) so I did. I found a receipt from one year ago. He sent a woman on the other side of the country flowers and told her she was special. He signed the card with a fake name. When i confronted him, he eventually admitted to chatting with her and other women on a website where women chat in exchange for donations toward breast implants. I remembered he told me he was on this site when he was married to his x. I have also seen popups for this site and a facebook message to a woman asking if she ever got her implants. about 2 wks before we married. I told him it was over. His first response was, "can we talk about this?" after I said no, his next response was ok, I will call a realtor to list the house. ...and so we did. For days we have been estranged. He acts like he doesn't know me and he never even cared. No apology, no tears. He doesn't even seem sad. I haven't been able to eat for days. He goes to the gym, makes his meals, struts around the house...like nothing is wrong. I am absolutely heartbroken and it seems like this makes him proud. I DONT GET IT!!! WAS IT ALL A LIE? WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like I never knew him, he is a complete stranger. Maybe he is? Is this a mental illness? WHAT. THE. HELL....!!?????
I am sorry for your pain, but what exactly did you expect?
This is who he is.
I bet he was the most adoring husband to his ex-wife too. Im sure it came as a nasty shock to find out he had been cheating. But it shouldnt have been a shock to you..because you married him well aware of how devious he was. You knew he was a cheater...but thought your love was special..it was "real."
It's a common mistake a lot of women make. We tend to think we can change them..or they just weren't happy with "her" but will be with you.
Nope. He's a cheater. His unremorseful response to being caught should help you do what you need to do to move forward. Get angry. See a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row.
Im sorry he hurt you.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I am so sorry for your pain. I totally understand that we are willing to be blind to our partner's flaws, even the obvious ones, because we love them and have built a life with them.
He has given you a gift...he has shone a 100000 watt spotlight on who he is, and you can no longer ignore it.
Run, don't walk, away from this man. Sick puppy is a good way to put it. You will hurt for a while, but that is nothing compared to what you will go through staying married to a person like this.
right now, just breathe, drink water, tell someone you trust and who can support you. Read the healing library and post here often. You will get though. Promise.
Unless he did the IC how was he ever going to change his behaviours?
There is a reason why people keep doing the same thing over and over. Unless he looks at his inner being and works out what needs fixing then he will just carry on doing the same old same old.
It is highly possible he has his next 'victim' lined up online somewhere.... after all, he pursued you for years before telling you the truth didn't he?
That says there's probably some woman already waiting in the wings just like there was with his previous M.
No doubt he will be calling her soon to tell her that he is now D and able to fully hook up with her.
I guess the fact you M him despite knowing he had been M when you were both seeing each other is an issue for some of us on here. Yes you were lied to for years and he was able to get close to you and I am sorry he did that to you... but then.... you then M him KNOWING he was a cheater already.
Welcome to SI. You will find a lot of helpful information in the Healing Library (the link is on the leftside of the screen).
Your wh misled and lied to you when you started dating. Sadly, it sounds like this is a pattern that he has continued. Please get tested for stds as a precaution. Right now you need to focus on your and your children's wellbeing. He has a lot of work to do to fix himself. I hope he takes that first step.
Sending you strength.
It doesn't say anything about you, these types are master manipulators and they know what buttons to push to become the "only person who really understands me". I was involved with a man like this before my husband. I'm telling you I completely get it. You feel like you have lost your mind, you haven't. He doesn't feel any remorse, he doesn't feel anything. When these types are done with you they are done, until they want to reel you back to get ego kibbles or torment you more.
His behavior right now is completely consistent with a personality disorder. I'm so sorry. Expect it to get worse before it gets better.
Can you talk to his ex-wife? She would be my first point of contact. I'd want to know how did their marriage end...was it the same way? He probably still harasses her.
He may try to reel you back in after he feels he has successfully broken you down. Watch out. Stay strong.
[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 12:57 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]
I can really relate to what you are feeling.
My stbxwh behaved the same way after dday#1, sucked me back in and then after he was back lost all signs of remorse.
Then, dday #2.
Read about narcissitic abuse. I didn't even know what it was. Now I know the behaviors. Really the label doesn't matter. It is recognizing abuse and protecting yourself.
I know how much this hurts and it seems worse when they don't even seem to care.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Just one minute at a time, you will get better, be patient with yourself.
The basics right now, drink water, sleep when you can, if possible therapy can feel like your sanity.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
Hopefully you can stay in your step kids lives although you will have to weigh the fact that having contact with him will be bad for you. But maybe you can have a relationship with them that is separate from him, if not now then later.
It's a bad situation. But it can only get better from here even though there is going to be some collateral damage.
First off I'm a pull no punches lets get real kind of person and at times come of harsh because of it.
Right now you are in crisi mode and it's scary stuff. You mention not eating and propably not sleeping. This creates a vicious cycle that impairs our judgement an makes dealing with this shit even harder. So te first thing you need to do is see your Dr let them know what's going on, get some pharmaceutical help to at least let you sleep and choke down some food.
The next thing you need to do is make you priority number one and things that go with that include STD testing and see an attorney. You probably need an IC as well to figure out why you are willing to tolerate a man that lies and you certainly need to learn to be happy on your own. If your H hasn't shown any effort to get his head on straight and not loose you there isn't a lot you can do to R.
Of for some reason he starts to beg and plead to work it out you need to have a pretty good idea of what you need from him to R. With consequences and be ready to carry through. You've already threatened with no consequence and that did not turn out well for you.
Your H has some serious issues that until he addresses them will make you an option. That's not what being M is about. Time tO put you and your kids first. Unless you have actually talked with the X and know for a fact the situation you described I wouldn't believe it. The one thing you know for sure is your H has no ability to be truthful.
Keep reading and keep posting. You can get through this and be a smarter stronger woman for it.
I would guess that what he told you about his ex is likely lies. There is a chance that for her own sanity and well being, she may have walked away from her kids to get away from a toxic NPD husband. Just a thought.
I don't ascribe to the "you knew he was a cheater" stuff, although I am a BS. People like your WH (and mine) know to tell you what you most want to hear--that you are special to them, and so different from other women they've had relationships with before, and your love is forever... It's seductive, and it feels good...it feels right, because you ARE special, individual. We all are, but it takes a truly disturbed individual to use that against you.
It is devastating to discover that those were just words, that they (the WS) are indeed not CAPABLE of seeing you as a special individual, but only as a target for their ego.
Please know that you ARE special and valuable, regardless of his actions, regardless of his words. Get away from his toxicity, and feel grateful that no more of your life was wasted on someone who does not value you, who does not really SEE YOU.
You will make it through, but he's got to get out of your space, so you don't have to remember this mistake every damn minute of every damn day and can start to move forward NOW. Give yourself the gift of having him move out, if at all possible financially.
You will survive this.