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justlikethat posted 3/14/2014 21:55 PM

When I met my husband online he lied. Told me a fake name and said he was single when he was married and had kids. We were "friends" for a few years and he kept this lie going the entire time. Eventually he told me his real name and about his real life. He said after a decade of marraige he and his wife had mutually strayed but stayed married for the kids. I was disgusted and I didn't speak to him for months but then missed him. I felt like he was the only person I knew, ever, that I really connected with(what does that say about me, right?). One day he called me and said he had gotten divorced, I made him show me the paperwork to prove it. He told me he didn't get divorced because of me, but that he had been in love with me since the day we met. I told him he didn't have a chance in hell of dating me. He cried, it was the only time I have ever seen him cry. Things changed and we got married a year later and lived full time with our five kids (3 his , 2 mine). I made it clear if he ever did to me what he did to his wife, I would leave him, period, In the back of my mind I always thought he might do to me what he did to his wife because I knew that what he did was ultimately his decision, not her fault. But, every single day until DDAY he called me , texted me, and showered me with affection. Sometimes to the point that I felt smothered. Everyone I knew told me I had the most amazing husband, he'd send me flowers, take me on trips, really, just gave me the world. I was so happy. 6 months ago, (after 2.5 years of marriage)I learned that he had visited a coffee stand after dropping me off at the airport and asked out some barista (who turned him down). I found her number in his car and called it. She told me everything, said he had been "harassing" her for 6 months. We were on vacation when I found out and we talked for days. He never admitted anything until he knew he was caught, and he claimed it was a misunderstanding. I didn't believe him. I asked over and over if there was any more I should know. He said no. Then I forgave him. II told him, if anything like this happened againg, I was done, and I told him I didn't care if he had sex with her or not. Cheating is cheating even if it iisn't sexual.

I started getting suspicious due to the typical "cheater" signs he was exhibiting recently. I confronted him, and when I did he told me to go through his emails, facebook etc (i know the passwords) so I did. I found a receipt from one year ago. He sent a woman on the other side of the country flowers and told her she was special. He signed the card with a fake name. When i confronted him, he eventually admitted to chatting with her and other women on a website where women chat in exchange for donations toward breast implants. I remembered he told me he was on this site when he was married to his x. I have also seen popups for this site and a facebook message to a woman asking if she ever got her implants. about 2 wks before we married. I told him it was over. His first response was, "can we talk about this?" after I said no, his next response was ok, I will call a realtor to list the house. ...and so we did. For days we have been estranged. He acts like he doesn't know me and he never even cared. No apology, no tears. He doesn't even seem sad. I haven't been able to eat for days. He goes to the gym, makes his meals, struts around the nothing is wrong. I am absolutely heartbroken and it seems like this makes him proud. I DONT GET IT!!! WAS IT ALL A LIE? WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like I never knew him, he is a complete stranger. Maybe he is? Is this a mental illness? WHAT. THE. HELL....!!?????

Gajit posted 3/14/2014 22:31 PM

I have heard that if he DOES IT WITH YOU, HE WILL DO IT TO YOU.

I am sorry for your pain, but what exactly did you expect?

devasted30 posted 3/15/2014 06:20 AM

Once a cheater, always a cheater. There are exceptions, but come on girl - really. Why would he treat you any differently? You made it too easy for him. You knew he was a liar from the get go and you knew he was a cheater. I am sorry you are hurting. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Not even an OW.

confused615 posted 3/15/2014 06:54 AM

You know exactly what's going on. He is not a stranger. He is a man who was cheating on his wife with you...and with other women...a man who lied about who he is. You knew all of this before you married him...yet married him anyway.

This is who he is.

I bet he was the most adoring husband to his ex-wife too. Im sure it came as a nasty shock to find out he had been cheating. But it shouldnt have been a shock to you..because you married him well aware of how devious he was. You knew he was a cheater...but thought your love was was "real."

It's a common mistake a lot of women make. We tend to think we can change them..or they just weren't happy with "her" but will be with you.

Nope. He's a cheater. His unremorseful response to being caught should help you do what you need to do to move forward. Get angry. See a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row.

Im sorry he hurt you.

Bravenewgirl posted 3/15/2014 07:04 AM


I am so sorry for your pain. I totally understand that we are willing to be blind to our partner's flaws, even the obvious ones, because we love them and have built a life with them.

He has given you a gift...he has shone a 100000 watt spotlight on who he is, and you can no longer ignore it.

Run, don't walk, away from this man. Sick puppy is a good way to put it. You will hurt for a while, but that is nothing compared to what you will go through staying married to a person like this.

right now, just breathe, drink water, tell someone you trust and who can support you. Read the healing library and post here often. You will get though. Promise.

MrsDoubtfire posted 3/15/2014 07:30 AM

I am so sorry- but unfortunately he showed you what he was capable of before you even got M.

Unless he did the IC how was he ever going to change his behaviours?

There is a reason why people keep doing the same thing over and over. Unless he looks at his inner being and works out what needs fixing then he will just carry on doing the same old same old.

It is highly possible he has his next 'victim' lined up online somewhere.... after all, he pursued you for years before telling you the truth didn't he?

That says there's probably some woman already waiting in the wings just like there was with his previous M.

No doubt he will be calling her soon to tell her that he is now D and able to fully hook up with her.

I guess the fact you M him despite knowing he had been M when you were both seeing each other is an issue for some of us on here. Yes you were lied to for years and he was able to get close to you and I am sorry he did that to you... but then.... you then M him KNOWING he was a cheater already.

metamorphisis posted 3/15/2014 07:54 AM

To those of you who can't resist being rude to a brand new member who has as much right to be here as the rest of you..stay off the thread.

jo2love posted 3/15/2014 09:11 AM


Welcome to SI. You will find a lot of helpful information in the Healing Library (the link is on the leftside of the screen).

Your wh misled and lied to you when you started dating. Sadly, it sounds like this is a pattern that he has continued. Please get tested for stds as a precaution. Right now you need to focus on your and your children's wellbeing. He has a lot of work to do to fix himself. I hope he takes that first step.

Sending you strength.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 09:59 AM

Definitely a very sick puppy! Take whatever small comfort you can in knowing that the blinders are off at last and you can see at last the awful truth and act accordingly. Stand by your words about leaving, and get this guy out of your life as fast as you can. You are going to really struggle trying to wrap your head around his behavior, but you can never make sense out of nonsense. His behavior is entrenched and comes from some dark place none of us can ever understand, because we love with our whole selves. I don't think people like him even have a whole self in all honesty. Just cobbled together facades and needs that can never ever be fully met.

Ostrich80 posted 3/15/2014 10:34 AM

Welcome JLT. I think the way your ws is acting now, is so hurtful. You described someone who is strutting around like your pain isnt even significant to him. I can only imagine how awful that must feel. Even though it hurts so bad, I think this guy is a master at what he does and it doesn't have one single thing to do with you or your M. he leaves a trail of destruction behind him as he just skips into a new R. I'm sorry this happened and your kids.

NoMorDeceit posted 3/15/2014 12:56 PM

I'm so sorry. The answer to your question is probably. It was all a lie in the sense that he is completely fake (I would wager narcissist)and so for him you were fine until you lost your usefulness. Once you stopped being the doting clueless wife and mommy at home, you stopped being useful. He likely has his next victim all groomed. They often like single moms. Softer targets.

It doesn't say anything about you, these types are master manipulators and they know what buttons to push to become the "only person who really understands me". I was involved with a man like this before my husband. I'm telling you I completely get it. You feel like you have lost your mind, you haven't. He doesn't feel any remorse, he doesn't feel anything. When these types are done with you they are done, until they want to reel you back to get ego kibbles or torment you more.

His behavior right now is completely consistent with a personality disorder. I'm so sorry. Expect it to get worse before it gets better.

Can you talk to his ex-wife? She would be my first point of contact. I'd want to know how did their marriage end...was it the same way? He probably still harasses her.

He may try to reel you back in after he feels he has successfully broken you down. Watch out. Stay strong.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 12:57 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

cantaccept posted 3/15/2014 13:18 PM


I can really relate to what you are feeling.

My stbxwh behaved the same way after dday#1, sucked me back in and then after he was back lost all signs of remorse.

Then, dday #2.

Read about narcissitic abuse. I didn't even know what it was. Now I know the behaviors. Really the label doesn't matter. It is recognizing abuse and protecting yourself.

I know how much this hurts and it seems worse when they don't even seem to care.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Just one minute at a time, you will get better, be patient with yourself.

The basics right now, drink water, sleep when you can, if possible therapy can feel like your sanity.

justlikethat posted 3/15/2014 13:30 PM

Ok first of all, I was not aware he was married at any time that i had contact with him and I did not speak to him after I found out the truth until I knew he was single. He told me his wife hadn't liked him in a long time and the cheating was mutual. When we started dating after his divorce his wife had deserted him and their kids and moved to the other side of the country with her new baby, she got knocked up while they were still married. She rarely called or saw her kids at all the past few years. She very much abandoned them. So for the people who tell me I should've expected this, yes I probably should have. But our marriage seemed so different. I wasn't out cheating, leaving my kids unfed and not takig care of them. Our 5 kids got along amazingly well and everything just fell into place. I never believed in the fairytale crap but everything fit so well. I had everything I ever wanted and I felt so lucky. I thought we were so in love and so did everyone else. He told me he lied about his name because he didn't want anyone else finding out how bad their marriage was. He said he had planned on telling me if things got serious but then he just couldn't do it because after getting to know me he knew I would walk away the second he did. Trust me, I am sorry For my lack of judgment, I KNOW, I should have known better. I think I did know better, but I married him anyway. I feel SO much guilt over this because if I had been stronger, none of the kids would have to go through this now. His kids are now losing a second mother and they are all losing so much. Walking away from him after this is not the difficult part, it is hurting the kids and walking away from my stepkids that absolutely crushes me.

justlikethat posted 3/15/2014 13:33 PM

Also, thank you for the positive encouraging responses. It really does help. "You can't make sense out of nonsense" HOW TRUE! I have been trying to do just that for days. I wish Someone had said that a week ago :)

norabird posted 3/15/2014 13:34 PM

Try not to beat yourself up. He showed you what you wanted to see and was convincing. None of us have built in lie detectors. Fooled you once, etc. people like this take advantage of the fact that we do not assume the worst of people.

Hopefully you can stay in your step kids lives although you will have to weigh the fact that having contact with him will be bad for you. But maybe you can have a relationship with them that is separate from him, if not now then later.

It's a bad situation. But it can only get better from here even though there is going to be some collateral damage.

justlikethat posted 3/15/2014 14:01 PM

Unfortunately I cannot continue to have a relationship with his kids. I had not realized it before but it is very clear to me now. I had had a lot if problems with the way his kids often behaved. They are completely different people depending on who they were around. They have no problem tellig lies, they would lie to you even when they knew you knew the truth. They are more manipilative than any kids I have ever met and they have a serious lack of empathy when they hurt other people. They arealso very insecure, jealous and negative towards others. Don't get me wrong, they all had many positive traits as well and I don't feel like the way they act is their fault. Until now I had chalked it up to their mother. I thought they had issues from beig abandoned and I thought maybe they learned these behaviors from her. And while Im sure some of it comes from her, I realized , they are just like him. I don't think that their problems are fixable when it is identical to their dad's behavior (no wonder he defended them when they did these things) and he sees no problems at all with his behavior. I think if I tried to stay in their lives I would eventually be dealing with 4 toxic adults. Thank god I found this out before it bled over into my kids personalities. I think it is better for myself and my 2 kids if I cut all the ties. Right? I mean how can you work around this?

tushnurse posted 3/15/2014 15:36 PM

Welcome. You will find tons of helpful information and great people here. Take what fits and leave the rest. You will find that you sometimes hit a nerve with others and it will get a strong response.

First off I'm a pull no punches lets get real kind of person and at times come of harsh because of it.
Right now you are in crisi mode and it's scary stuff. You mention not eating and propably not sleeping. This creates a vicious cycle that impairs our judgement an makes dealing with this shit even harder. So te first thing you need to do is see your Dr let them know what's going on, get some pharmaceutical help to at least let you sleep and choke down some food.

The next thing you need to do is make you priority number one and things that go with that include STD testing and see an attorney. You probably need an IC as well to figure out why you are willing to tolerate a man that lies and you certainly need to learn to be happy on your own. If your H hasn't shown any effort to get his head on straight and not loose you there isn't a lot you can do to R.
Of for some reason he starts to beg and plead to work it out you need to have a pretty good idea of what you need from him to R. With consequences and be ready to carry through. You've already threatened with no consequence and that did not turn out well for you.

Your H has some serious issues that until he addresses them will make you an option. That's not what being M is about. Time tO put you and your kids first. Unless you have actually talked with the X and know for a fact the situation you described I wouldn't believe it. The one thing you know for sure is your H has no ability to be truthful.

Keep reading and keep posting. You can get through this and be a smarter stronger woman for it.

(((and strengt))))

justlikethat posted 3/15/2014 16:31 PM

Maybe I miscommunicated. I am not staying married to this man, I am divorcing him. I absolutely will not tolerate him or his behavior.

Mousse242 posted 3/15/2014 17:43 PM

I don't think you ever did know him. He used a fake name when you met and while you did find out his real name eventually, I'm pretty sure he was simply a "character" actor in his life with you.


I would guess that what he told you about his ex is likely lies. There is a chance that for her own sanity and well being, she may have walked away from her kids to get away from a toxic NPD husband. Just a thought.

WinterBranch posted 3/15/2014 20:27 PM

Hey-sorry you have to be here, but glad you found SI. And I, along with all these other good folks, am here for you.

I don't ascribe to the "you knew he was a cheater" stuff, although I am a BS. People like your WH (and mine) know to tell you what you most want to hear--that you are special to them, and so different from other women they've had relationships with before, and your love is forever... It's seductive, and it feels feels right, because you ARE special, individual. We all are, but it takes a truly disturbed individual to use that against you.

It is devastating to discover that those were just words, that they (the WS) are indeed not CAPABLE of seeing you as a special individual, but only as a target for their ego.

Please know that you ARE special and valuable, regardless of his actions, regardless of his words. Get away from his toxicity, and feel grateful that no more of your life was wasted on someone who does not value you, who does not really SEE YOU.

You will make it through, but he's got to get out of your space, so you don't have to remember this mistake every damn minute of every damn day and can start to move forward NOW. Give yourself the gift of having him move out, if at all possible financially.

You will survive this.

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