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Wife's AP is dead

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JellyGirl84 posted 3/15/2014 12:33 PM

"Qué mucho lo quisimos. Qué mucha falta va ha hacer. Todavía no puedo creer que ya no está con nosotros. Mis oraciones están con su familia, especialmente con sus hijos, que tanto quiso." I'm not exactly sure what the phrases mean as my Spanish is not great...but at least she focussed her post more on the kids and family.

What do you think?

What she said was "How much we loved him. How truly he will be missed. I still cannot believe that he is no longer with us. My prayers are with your family, especially with his children, whom he loved so much."

Burnedonce, I'd say her comments in the guestbook, besides being inappropriate to you, are NOT purely about her sadness for his family...

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 2:18 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

bionicgal posted 3/15/2014 12:59 PM

So sorry - it sounds like your wife is still foggy over this dude. Very sad -- I can't believe she didn't tell you he died! And that she posted on his book. So awful -- so wayward, still. She needs to go NC in her mind, and stop carrying a torch for this guy. I would be so offended and hurt if I were you.

No secrets in reconciliation!

solus sto posted 3/15/2014 13:05 PM

Make no mistake about it: her message in the guest book is NOT kind. Rather, it is territory-marking. She is reminding herself and others of her importance in the MM's life. Disgraceful.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/15/2014 13:40 PM

GGRRRR!!!! I am angry for you, Burnedonce, and for the XBS that has that message to read. I agree with solus sto. Your WW was marking her territory. Who the f*ck is she to be making judgments on how much he loved his children? The message is clear. Very disrespectful to you and to the AP's family. (although, he doesn't deserve any, imo)

I have no advice on this question

How do you get someone to stop having feelings for someone else?
because I don't believe you can get someone to stop having feelings for someone else. We have no control over that. Probably most of us wouldn't be here if we were able to control another person's feelings.
Is it just time to walk?
That is where your power of choice comes in. For me, yeah, I'ld walk. I couldn't deal with that and I deserve someone who is just totally into me. ME. Thats it. For me. I'ld rather me alone than to have to share my spouse with a memory and feelings that should be for me alone. Many here have stayed with "foggy" spouses. They have had successful reconciliations after the "fogginess" was gone.

For some, waiting for the fogginess to end did more damage than the initial affair. For instance, you are mildly irritated with the guestbook message and with your WW withholding information pertaining to the affair from you. This shows that your WW doesn't have (mental) NC with the AP and doesn't have transparency. You can not have reconciliation without either of these requirements. This would be another stab in the heart to many BS's causing more damage and making it harder to reconcile.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 13:49 PM

The only thing to do now IMO, as far as reconciling goes, is to talk--she may say it's water under the bridge, but her grieving shows this is not the case. You need to be open with her about your worries, not attacking her, but telling her you feel slighted and as if her heart is still with this AP. But he is gone (well and fully now!) and you are here, trying to have a strong M. Does she want to join you in working toward that? Can she?

BtraydWife posted 3/15/2014 13:59 PM

I'm so sorry this limbo has dragged out so long for you. It has though, because you were willing to accept less from her than she would be required to provide in R. You settled for not R.

Not fighting doesn't = R
Not sleeping with someone else doesn't = R.
Not divorcing doesn't = R.

You can't R without both spouses hard work. Your wife has never done it. You didn't R after the divorce was stopped.

What you do depends on what you want. Have you been happy with the way things are? It doesn't seem so but nobody can make that determination for you.

You have no chance at R with how things are now. The only chance at R you have is if your wife wakes up and commits to you. She hasn't yet, because you have not required that from her.

If I were you I'd kick her out and start the divorce again. Her reaction to that will tell you if R is possible or if you should finalize the D.

This messed up limbo you've been in is what happens when a BS lets a WS "slide" in providing all their minimum requirements. We've been there. We know you want nothing more to have a strong and healthy M with your wife. But if the BS does not hold the WS to it, and does not provide consequences if it doesn't happen then this limbo is what you get.

I wish you the strength to make the changes needed to get to a safe and happy place for your head and heart.

mainlyinpain posted 3/15/2014 14:06 PM

Talk to her also about what she has exposed this family to, at the time of their husband's/father's death. She intruded where she should have never been--into their family. How grievous for them when they have to go thru the book and try to send family thank you cards, to try and figure out who she is. And to possibly discover at such a time.
It does seem like she wanted one last possibility of attaching herself to him.
If it was just for herself, her private grief, she could have any time later visited his grave, not leaving anything, they were already supposed to have had their leavings with each other.
But even that would have broken nc.
I have often thought that if my WH suddenly died I would hire armed guards to keep the OW from intruding at his wake or funeral. Did not even think about this online portal being available. I know these messages are screened for any inappropriate content....but who would have know about this? I guess we could give instructions to not allow comments from certain named people...but in this situation the family did not know....or may have and this has only increased their anguish.
Such selfishness. So sorry. Maybe talking to her will give you insight as to just what she was thinking. Why say especially with his children? To diminish the wife's pain?
This was just so wrong on many levels. If at all possible have her ask for it to be removed otherwise it is there for eternity. Even if she has to explain who she was to this man and why it would be offensive to this family.

Chicky posted 3/15/2014 16:59 PM

I have often thought that if my WH suddenly died I would hire armed guards to keep the OW from intruding at his wake or funeral. Did not even think about this online portal being available. I know these messages are screened for any inappropriate content....but who would have know about this?

mainly, you took the words right out of my mouth. This is exactly what I intend to do. Sadly, I have even fantasized having a closed casket so the tramp can't hover over him with her "grief" and having him cremated so she can't camp out at his grave. Long story but she has inserted herself firmly into my family by becoming my MIL's BFF and that is why I have nothing to do with my MIL.

Anyway, Burnedonce, with regard to the posting, I don't want to give you something else to worry about, but if I were you, I would also check to see if she posted anything on his Facebook page. I would also check the local funeral home that is handling the arrangements. If this online guestbook is one that is hosted by, there may be a separate one attached to the funeral home.

My BFF was a BW and lost her husband suddenly. Not only did the OW fancy herself his "girlfriend", she posted on every online conversation she could find about him. She actually tried to attend the funeral but my BFF's sister gave the ushers at the church a picture of the OW and gave strict instructions that she was not to be admitted. They successfully kept her from the funeral but just guess who showed up at the cemetery for the interment? I honestly believe that did more damage to my friend's recovery than anything else. Just selfish beyone all reason.

[This message edited by Chicky at 5:01 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

whattheh posted 3/15/2014 17:49 PM

My fWH and I have a "no secrets" policy. If you and your spose have the same then I would be very concerned that she didn't honor that. I would perceive withholding this as a lie of ommission and would focus with her on understanding this and working on never doing it again.

It was thoughtless and disrespectful to the BS for her to post on the guest log. I would be concerned that she didn't know this and used poor judgment. She needs to understand what she has already done to the OMs wife and family and stop interjecting herself in their life.

somanyyears posted 3/15/2014 20:04 PM


And no...I did not kill him.

..I have to wonder how this scum came to his well-deserved end?

..maybe another BH took matters into his own hands!

..hit by lightning?

..karma-bus ran him down..?

..viagra overdose?

..head exploded from self-inflated ego? WW's AP was my bff for 25 years, their liason lasting for 18 years.. not an affair in any romantic sense.. he used her for bj's and she got compliments in return..

..he died from a brain tumour 8 years ago at 57..
..also left 2 boys and BW behind. Psalms 109 to know why he died.. I like to believe his tumour was the direct result of the growing guilt and shame he lived with knowing he betrayed both of his wives AND his long time bff since Boy Scouts..

..I revel in the thoughts of him suffering for many months knowing the consequences of his actions and knowing his maker saw it all.

I didn't learn of his death until 3 years after the fact, nor did my WW.

..his ghost came to me in a dream to tell me I didn't know the whole truth about his betrayal.

..that's when the shit really hit the fan back in 2009.. been on the roller coaster for 5 years now.

..changed me forever..

..hope you can get closure on your situation.. least he wasn't your best friend!


hopefulmother posted 3/15/2014 20:26 PM

Truly, you need her to focus on why she was so "in love" with a man like that. A man that would betray his family. Why, after all this time has she not come out of the fog? Why does she love a man with such low integrity and honor?

Is she a narcissist? Does she focus on the fact that this man lost his family for her? If so, I would imagine that would give her a huge high for the rest of her life.

Does she love you? Can you live with her always loving him more? Even with him gone and no chance of being with him again? Do you love her enough to be her second love if so? Good gosh this reminds me of the movie, "The Yaya Sisterhood."? Where Angelina Jolie loved a boy that was killed in the war. Her heart's true love, but eventually married a man that settled being her second love even though he knew he wasn't her main love...just for the chance to be with her.

Has she given you any clue that she may have moved on to someone else?

This all clearly bothers you, so you are going to have to ask her these hard questions and get her answers.

hopefulmother posted 3/15/2014 20:29 PM

On another note...I agree with the others.

Who is she to know if he loved his children? If he loved his children, he wouldn't have cheated and broken up his family.

He sounds like a serial cheater. Not a good man for people to mourn like some saint. Your wife is delusional.

Stillstings posted 3/15/2014 20:39 PM

She's trying to mark her territory on a dead man. Creepy and twisted.

absolut posted 3/15/2014 20:44 PM

..I have to wonder how this scum came to his well-deserved end?

heaven needed another angel.
Sorry I popped the box of wine early tonight.

Back on topic, I think that "loved his kids especially" thing was a veiled jab at his wife. Like, he REALLY loved them....(you know, not like some people, who he really only kinda sorta barely loved just a little)...

OP, you need to start pounding your chest. ASAP. This is your wife. You have two very young children. Tell her to delete this comment.

There seems to be some avoiding going on with you. Her comment was in Spanish, so you didn't know what it meant? It takes a few minutes using google translate.

I know counseling costs money. Get the money. Ask at your church. At a local university. A divorce will cost MUCH more than therapy.

Burnedonce posted 3/15/2014 21:49 PM

Thanks for the input. I know enough people around the AP to know that his kids really did love him, not from things my wife has said. I tried the google translate on it and applied what little I know of Spanish to decipher it's true meaning, but a lot of what is directly translated is typically misleading...that and I tend to focus on the positive as much as possible and too often give people the benefit of the doubt. I also know that there really isn't much in my wife's heart in the way of malice...I think she's just truly selfish and when it comes to relationships and really has no ability to put herself in the shoes of others.

Somanyyears, I'd like to think of it as kharma...but there are too many truly evil people who get away with much worse things to live a long time that I don't really think that exists. I doubt if your guy had enough of a conscience to feel truly guilty.

Absolut, I think someone actually said that on Facebook or that obit page...made me throw up a little in my mouth. I think we need counseling, or a least begin talking better...we just don't communicate well. Haven't in a few years.

I plan on talking with my wife about it tonight once the kids are asleep. Wish me luck...I'm not very good at these things. Never say exactly what and how I wanted to. I can't be less than #1 in her life, ever again...and I have to make her my #1 priority again too. It's hard for me to feel that way after what we've been through, but I have to do the same thing that I expect out of her.

[This message edited by Burnedonce at 9:51 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

JellyGirl84 posted 3/15/2014 22:58 PM


you don't need google. as a Spanish speaker, im telling you that the overall sentiment of her comment is that she is a part of the special group of people who love and miss him.

absolut posted 3/16/2014 00:15 AM


Best wishes. I can see there is a pretty big issue with communication with you and your wife. I hope you're able to tackle it.

SpecialK posted 3/16/2014 07:35 AM


you don't need google. as a Spanish speaker, im telling you that the overall sentiment of her comment is that she is a part of the special group of people who love and miss him.

First I would like to say what a wonderful person you must be. You have a lot more compassion then most people would in your shoes.

Her behavior bothers me on several levels, she is still being disrespectful, dishonest, and still firmly surrounded by the "FOG". What makes this situation worse, is now she can/will build him up to the LOVER/MAN OF THE CENTURY in her sick deluded cheaters mind. Are you willing to always wonder if she is comparing you to this GHOST?

I agree with the other posters regarding the guest book, that was off the chart-out of line. I would insist she remove the comment and then if you still want to remain in this relationship, then get thee both to counseling ASAP.

Burnedonce posted 3/16/2014 09:13 AM

Talked for a very long time about a multitude of issues with my wife last night. It was a lot better than I anticipated. She didn't quite see how her message was much more than condolences (in her eyes), but she did see how it looked to me and how she did it without my knowledge so she apologized (rare for her) and agreed to remove the post. She revealed every little thing that she could think of that concerned the OM...she said that a couple of times people approached her about him being back in town, but she refused to go anywhere near him (refusing an invitation to a wedding because he'd be there, for one). We talked about communicating better and how that I HAD to be #1 in her life and I would work on making sure that she was the same for me.

I still think she's not being completely true about those old feelings for him, but I think she was completely sincere about everything else. I have no reason to believe that she's had any contact with him in the last two years and I think that she really does love me and knows how badly she screwed up and how incredibly wrong she was. She said that his death, though shocking, was almost a relief because it meant that she would never try to come see her at her office and that would have hurt me even though she would have just sent him away.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and being the impetus to have this intimate conversation with my wife. I really think we can move into a better future and I'm feeling optimistic and more positive about us than I ever have in a good long time!

BTW...the OM died of a ruptured aorta when he was on vacation with his boys. They found him lying there in a room they had rented for their spring break. Those two little men will never be the same...I've prayed for them. Haven't shed a tear for their father, but I WILL eventually forgive him, for my own sake.

deena04 posted 3/16/2014 12:22 PM

I am sorry about you having to deal with this. Your wife does not sound remorseful. She sounds like she is not concerned much with your feelings. Have you told her how this makes you feel yet? I would do that ASAP but that's me.

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