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Wife's AP is dead

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happyman64 posted 3/16/2014 16:27 PM

You're right...we're not truly reconciled. Gotta get to work on that. What can I do to start that process in our particular circumstance? If she's still harboring feelings for someone else...she's not truly committed to me. How do you get someone to stop having feelings for someone else? Is it just time to walk?

Why walk. You obviously love your wife.

And yes she is selfish.

I already think you started the process with her by having that conversation with her.

Keep it up for both of you.

Try this? Why not ask her to write what she will say about you when you pass away?

I know it sounds morbid but maybe it will get her thinking just how lucky she is that you are willing to not only forgive her but still love her.....

What do you have to lose.


BtraydWife posted 3/16/2014 16:46 PM

Keep it up for both of you.

That's unfair to ask of him. He deserves to be in R but it's not JUST on his shoulders. He can't do it alone.

maybe it will get her thinking just how lucky she is that you are willing to not only forgive her but still love her.....

Highly doubtful. She's not been open and honest with him and she puts her feelings ahead of his. He can't nice her back. We all know that only gets you a rugsweeper.

She needs to decide for herself that she is all in, fully 100% committed and nothing that has passed has caused her to make that decision yet. She needs some serious therapy.

happyman64 posted 3/16/2014 19:04 PM


You just answered for him.

Let's see what he thinks.

BtraydWife posted 3/16/2014 21:40 PM

I'm not answering for him. I'm pointing out that your suggestion is harmful.

It's unfair to ask any BS to do all the work of R. It's not possible and the suggestion that it is feeds their personal insecurities.

Jduff posted 3/17/2014 10:13 AM

There's "talking" and there are "actions". Guess which one expresses remorse the most? Without remorse, chance of successful reconciliation is next none.

Burned's WW signing the guest book was an act not conducive to an R. It was an act of still being in the fog.

Burned, has your WW shown real remorse or simply regret of the situation?

hopefulmother posted 3/17/2014 15:37 PM

Condolences would be, "I am so sorry for your family's loss,"

There is a huge difference in what she posted and what she claims.

If she can't be truthful with are going to continue to have a up hill battle that only you will be fighting. While she sits back and reaps the benefits of all your hard work. That will only breed resentment from you for her down the road.

I hope you two get some counseling. Maybe your local church. She needs it. Keep trying.

Charity411 posted 3/17/2014 16:31 PM

What I find more amazing than your WW's message is that this obit book was set up by his EX-wife. I suppose she did this for her children's sake, but still. This guy must have been a really smooth operator.

If it makes you feel any better something similar happened with my sister and her husband. About two years after a very rough period in their marriage in which they almost divorced, her husband got a call one afternoon, after which he sat and cried. He finally admitted that the rough period was the result of an affair he had. It had long since been over. Her mother had just called him to tell him she died.

The mother wanted him to not only come to the funeral, but drive her and his AP's sister to the funeral and escort them all day. And it was on my sister and his twenty something anniversary no less. My sister was in such shock, she told him she didn't really care what he did. So to my astonishment he went. I don't think he actually drove her family members anywhere, he just drove the 140 miles to her funeral and then drove back.
To this day I think that was horribly disrespectful to my sister.

But my sister seemed to understand that he would have resented her if he wasn't able to say his goodbyes and she seemed to feel it was a gift that immediately upon finding out about the affair the threat of her existence was gone. She was obviously crushed about the affair and they went through some rough times but I can honestly say their marriage is truly stronger than ever today. He is remorseful, completely transparent and exceedingly thoughtful in everything he does for my sister. So I've seen a case where you can get past this, particularly because the AP no longer exists.

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