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Do you ever feel bad for xws as a parent?

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wannabenormal posted 3/15/2014 01:04 AM

I've come to realize I honestly do.

I see this person who is so different now. When we were together - he was super dad. Once he met OW, obviously family wasn't as much a priority. Now that they're married, it's seemingly worse.

I don't blame her - he is very much his own person, always made his own choices, but it makes me a little sad for my kids that he just doesn't seem as into them as he is into this new life he created?

They are 14 and 12, but hardly grown. They both tell me they wish he'd just spend time with THEM. I hate that he doesn't seem to want to, you know? They are turning into pretty neat young people really fast and he doesn't seem to notice. I hate that I picked someone who didn't turn out to be the father they deserve.

5454real posted 3/15/2014 01:15 AM

Nope, absolutely not. XW made her own bed. I felt/feel bad for my son who has had to realize that, in her world, there is no-one more important than her.

I can try to balance the scales, but what do you tell a kid who asks *if my mom loves me?* when the actions don't fit the words? He's old enough to figure it out now.

Seriously, feel bad for her? Nope!

Bobbi_sue posted 3/15/2014 01:41 AM

I can understand there are many cases like that but mine was the opposite. My XH was a truck driver who spent almost no time at home with us. Even when he was "home" he found other things to be doing and did not spend much time with the kids.

I distinctly remember when I was in the process of divorcing him (back around 1992-93) thinking this is not going to be too hard on our kids since he was never around anyway.

Even though my XH married the final OW and is still married to her, he actually became a better father and dedicated most weekends to the kids after our D, something he had most certainly never done during our M.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:42 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]

wannabenormal posted 3/15/2014 02:07 AM

Bobbie - I am glad your XH woke up and engaged.

545 - that is sad to me that your child even asked that. It's sadder that it's not that unusual when in this situation.

My niece overheard her dad telling his OW/GF that SHE was the priority in their house. Who does that?! I also wonder - what sort of person is okay with their SO's kid(s) not being a priority?! If I were with a dude that wasn't engaged as a parent, I would think WTH, that's weird!

I just hate that kids get short end of the stick in this mess. No matter how hard we try, we can't completely 'balance the scales'.

SBB posted 3/15/2014 02:47 AM

I don't feel bad - I pity him this missed opportunity.

He is currently involved as he insisted on 50/50 to protect his 'great sad' image but he largely ignores them. The upside of OWUmpteen being in the girls lives is that whilst she is around he seems to pretend to be a patient and magnanimous father. My 6 year old commented "daddy is nicer when Whaura is there". Of course the mask won't last but at least they aren't being shame parented so much.

As they grow they'll learn who is there for them and who uses them as a cover. They'll see his parade of "luuurves" come and go and they'll see how he changes as he mirrors their likes/dislikes. I do think they'll still love him but they'll know they can't rely on him for any sort of emotional support.

I don't know how many times they'll be disappointed but I do know I'll always be invested and interested in them, they'll always be able to rely on me.

This time is so short and he's completely missing it. I'm too busy relishing it to feel sad for him. It's his loss. I do pit him that.

Bluebird26 posted 3/15/2014 06:38 AM

No, I feel bad for my kids having him as their father.

He has made it abundantly clear that the wifestress and her children are far more important then his own children.

Merlin posted 3/15/2014 08:00 AM

Our children experience their mother as some sort of mute housekeeper. While our 'parenting plan' states that the kids are to spend alternate weeks with her, none of our kids actually do that. They spend more and more time here and not with her.

She made this bed. But for how our children feel that their Mom is 'gone', this is her doing is fully on her.

I can't change her. And so I focus on being the best Dad I can be.

ButterflyGirl posted 3/15/2014 08:26 AM

Feel bad for XWS? Nope. I feel bad for my kids.

I think I do the grief cycle when it comes to his relationship with the children. He absolutely prioritizes OW and her needs and her son's needs over our children. So, I deny it, I get angry, I try to bargain, I get sad, and at some point, I hope to just fully accept it..

It's completely unfair to our kids, but we can't change our exes. We can only show our kids how much we love them and how important they are to us.. It's not the way it should be, but having one good parent is better than no good parent..

solus sto posted 3/15/2014 08:47 AM

Yes. Though disordered, Trac-Fone was an involved parent. He is now almost fully estranged from our son, and our daughter has...well, given up on him completely.

Aside from the profound sadness (and anger--including at myself for choosing him to father my children) for the kids, I do feel very badly for Trac-Fone. As limited as he is, relationally, the kids were the ones he loved the best he could.

Pass posted 3/15/2014 09:36 AM

The upside of OWUmpteen being in the girls lives is that whilst she is around he seems to pretend to be a patient and magnanimous father. My 6 year old commented "daddy is nicer when Whaura is there". Of course the mask won't last but at least they aren't being shame parented so much.

My boys have noticed this too. The Princess is in her mirroring period right now - trying to make Rig Pig see what a wonderful person she is and how she has all the EXACT same interests as him - so she is sweet as can be when he's around. They do all these wonderful "family" outings together.

However, for the thirty days out of every forty, while Rig Pig is at work in the oil sands (in the next province), The Princess doesn't want the boys anywhere near her.

Dreamboat posted 3/15/2014 11:26 AM

I do a little bit because he has completely lost DD. She is much closer to her uncles than to him and certainly sees them more often. She has seen X once in 3 years and right now we don't even know if he is still in the states or in the UK (He lived in the UK for 3 years and came back to the states at xmas last year. We thought it was permanent, he he has reverted back to emailing DD rather than calling so I think he is back in the UK...but who the hell knows)

He was a good father up until dday and he moved out. Then he became an uninvolved father. DD was very angry when he M OW and refused to speak to him for more than a year. He knows nothing about her. And she is a really good person (if I must say so myself ), genuinely nice, empathic, smart, funny. And he will never know that. So I feel sorry for him that he will never have the wonderful person in his life.

But as others said, he did this to himself so it is difficult to feel too sorry for him.

ExposedNiblet posted 3/15/2014 12:39 PM

No, I do not.

People who choose their APs over their families are not good parents. Period.

They choose their actions. These actions have consequences. If those consequences involve the disgust and disillusionment of their children, so be it.

Bed made. Lie.

dmari posted 3/15/2014 12:47 PM

No, I do not.
People who choose their APs over their families are not good parents. Period.

They choose their actions. These actions have consequences. If those consequences involve the disgust and disillusionment of their children, so be it.

Bed made. Lie.


Standing ovation with thunderous clapping!!
I do not feel bad for stbx ~ I feel bad for my children. They did absolutely nothing. OTOH, stbx knew what he was doing but thought they would be happy for him.

Gemini71 posted 3/15/2014 15:10 PM

My STBXH is like Bobbi_Sue's X. He's actually a better parent now that he only sees the kids on weekends. He was very impatient with the kids and rarely engaged when we were all together. Now he makes an effort to do things with them while he has them. He has even suggested some additional activities with them during the week. I'm fine with that as long as it benefits the kids.

So I don't feel sorry for STBXH at all. He has actually benefited as a parent.

Rabecca posted 3/15/2014 16:42 PM

Nope, only for my kids. I think the only reason he doesn't completely disappear is he is convinced OW would break things off with him or give him hell. He loves his kids, but only cares about himself.

Jennifer99 posted 3/15/2014 18:25 PM

Never. He is reaping what he's sown. His constant use of "shut up" to ds - biting him in the ass. His constant mockery of ds's feelings - biting him in the ass. His ridiculous choices - fueling his own son's total disrespect - just as it happened between he and his father....NOT MY PROBLEM.

I feel bad for my son...but only sometimes...sometimes I realize he is rocking awesome and wiser and more adept at handling his dad's bs than I am.

So I am happy to still be witnessing some of this so I can tell him how much I admire how he handled something - before his dad and I are finally in different homes - its the only perk.

Virginiagirl posted 3/15/2014 22:28 PM

I'm in the boat with Gemini & Bobbi_Sue. My WH wasn't around much at all and was usually grumpy otherwise a drag to be around. So like Bobbi_Sue said, when we split up the kids' routine didn't change, even MIL said the same thing (she lived with us 4 years...she knows the scoop)

I do feel bad for WH in that our daughter is 14 now. She's already a peach- but she really doesn't like him much. She's seen him be a dick for years. Now he really is trying, putting up with her teen attitude, giving her space but she just barely gives him the time of day and doesn't want to spend any time with him. I wish she would give him a chance but she barely puts up with me and she likes me! And my son, 10, worships his dad but resists spending time with him, spending the night...he's a homebody and this is home.

I wish I could make this part easier for WH. He's trying so hard and just feels like the kids hate him (to the point of very annoying self pity sometimes but that's another post). But he deserves a second chance as a Dad, that's some good that can come out of this debacle.

Caretaker1 posted 3/15/2014 22:43 PM

Mine is more concerned about blending families and quickly getting remarried. She's confused the kids and loves the adoration from his daughter. He's a Disney dad who sees his kid only a few times a month on weekends no less. Not there for homework, during the week, doing laundry, etc. I don't feel bad at all. I'm sitting back waiting for the fog to lift to see how this drama and chaos will play out. The reality of real life after the honeymoon phase will be interesting to watch play out. I'm no pushover and will protect these kids. She's more interested in playing house, wait until it gets real.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 10:45 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Lost15 posted 3/15/2014 23:21 PM

I really have mixed feelings on this. I think it depends on the day and the drama that is happening. I would say that more of why I feel bad is more for DS than for stbwxh. I feel bad that his father chose mow and thought that DS would be ok with it. stbwxh was never a good father to start with. I think he did the best he knew how but didn't really try. He yelled at DS a lot and for most of his life, for very little and stupid things. DS has commented many times to me how much calmer his life is and how nice it is to not be yelled out. I tried very hard to be the middle man in their relationship but I guess it didn't help. I just feel bad that DS is a great kid, granted he is going through teenage hormones, that will make you scream, but he is a good kid and stbwxh is missing out. Sadly he was never really there before anyway so its not any different.

Ellejay posted 3/16/2014 05:03 AM

I don't feel bad for him at all. I just feel very very sad for my kids especially our DD15 who is the one caught between him, his new family and the longing for her own family to be whole again.

Just when I start to feel sorry for him that he is missing out on so much of their lives, I remind myself that he had years to consider the consequences of his actions before D-Day while me and our kids had the trauma of our hearts being ripped out of our chests in an instant.

I simply cannot waste time feeling empathy for him anymore. He has never had any real empathy for anyone's feelings and life is too short to waste thinking about what he has lost because of his stupidity.


EJ

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