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Jerk pushing my buttons

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Rabecca posted 3/15/2014 11:26 AM

I had told my stbxh that I was not discussing anything about the paperwork without my lawyer. Last night I get home from work and he asks if we can talk upstairs. He grabs his paperwork and I told him that my lawyer said to not talk to him. He retorts that it is because my lawyer is trying to make this a contested divorce. He told me he had a free consultation with a lawyer and showed me a print off they had given about child support and how he thought it was a good number. I said I will talk to my lawyer. He then brought up the house and said "you do know we either have to sell or refinance in your name right?" I said yes and I want the house. The kids shouldn't have to loss their last shred of normalcy. He said that is fine. If we refinance in my name I basically have to buy him out. He is trying to put all the marriage debt back on my. It is like he is holding over my head letting my kids stay in their home in order to get him out of debt. I told him I wasn't agreeing to anything. He said I know I don't expect you too. It is not like I am recording you. This is a civil matter, not a criminal matter. We are just two grown adults talking about an issue. He then says that he is probably going to take back a car he has been letting my brother use until he can get financed and buy the car. My brother is even making the payments. I called his bluff and said fine, you give him a call and explain it all to him He infuriates me so flipping much. He is such a selfish manipulative jerk! He got me so worked up and I try to be all business with him. I did better this time than I did last time but I still let emotion get in

Tearsoflove posted 3/15/2014 11:47 AM

Sounds like he actually was recording you based on some of what he was saying. But either way, you should call your brother and warn him so he can make other plans for a vehicle in case your husband really does take it from him.

dmari posted 3/15/2014 12:30 PM

You sound like you handled yourself awesomely!! Sending you a high five and big hug!!

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 12:45 PM

I was awarded the house in the divorce. I did not have to buy him out, I did not have to refinance (because I would never qualify for a loan of any kind). The judge awarded me the house. Some kind of paperwork, and I don't know what or when or by whom (maybe the QDRO atty), is eventually going to be produced that states this fact (although it's already stated in the decree).

Don't talk to your STBX about stuff like this anymore.

Dark Inertia posted 3/15/2014 12:52 PM

Nature Girl, you have stated this many times, and I am still curious how this is, especially since there are so many who would find this ideal.

So how was a family judge able to break a contract between a couple and a bank and outright award you a house with basically no assurance of payment?

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 13:56 PM

I don't know. I honestly don't. However, I got the impression in court that this is done all the time. I don't know that the mortgage contract is officially "broken". I just know that somehow my ex is legally removed from all responsibility as well as forfeiting his rights in the equity. I asked my atty what was supposed to happen, he shot off a note to the QDRO atty about writing an official letter or note, but that's all I know.

My ex got ALL the freaking money, but he lost his rights to the house. I got the house, but I have no freaking money.

If this part of the divorce is ever settled I will share about it here!

Rabecca posted 3/15/2014 16:46 PM

Really? That would be awesome. I hope it would work in California...

Dark Inertia posted 3/15/2014 18:29 PM

If your ex is removed from all financial responsibility, and you are not refinancing, who is paying the mortgage? Honestly, it sounds like a quitclaim, but that leaves open the question of who is paying the bank.

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 18:39 PM

I pay every month. I don't know what to tell you, I don't understand why this is so hard to understand.

Dark Inertia posted 3/15/2014 19:08 PM

NG, it really sounds like a Quitclaim. How about this... On the mortgage statements is it still in your husbands name, your name, or both of your names?

And I don't mean to pry about this... the reason it is hard to understand is because it is absolutely impossible to just give a mortgage loan to someone without refinancing. A quick internet search can tell you that. You CAN take over the note, but your credit has to be impeccable and you have to have the income to support it. No family judge can make a bank give a mortgage to someone, that is way outside of his power.

Now quitclaims are common, and they happen all the time, but that is a transfer of the deed, not the actual loan.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 7:18 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 19:26 PM

Well, it just confuses me why people act like this is a big deal. I read about this all the time on this forum (one spouse being awarded the house), but when I post about it I get challenged. I don't understand. It's not like I'm lying or making shit up just to hear myself talk. I was awarded the house, and I'm not going to be refinancing. How that works out I don't know. I'm not a lawyer, I don't do this kind of thing for a living. No one has bothered to tell me how it works, probably because I can't afford to pay the rest of the bill I owe my attorney. Maybe in 20 years when I'm done paying him he'll tell me how it works.

Dark Inertia posted 3/15/2014 20:43 PM

There is no reason to get defensive. I am not accusing you of lying, but I do think you may be misinformed. The reason why it is a big deal when YOU bring it up is because when people are discussing it on topic here they are discussing it in regards to being awarded the house BUT ALSO having to deal with the refinancing. Most people going through a divorce the issue is 2 fold: being awarded the house and refinancing. YOU are saying that you do not have to refinance. That is HUGE. Because, as you are well aware, you know the dilemmas of a SAHM who is suddenly faced with the issue of not only keeping the house, but getting the loan to keep the house.

This thread only, the husband said she has to refinance. When you come on here and say "I get the house, and I don't have to refinance" of course people are going to say "HOW?! And how can I make that happen for me??!" The fact is this: The Judge can award the house to whoever. THE BANK is the one who decides who gets the mortgage. The Judge cannot compel the bank to hand over the mortgage to someone else, no way, no how.

You are correct, people get awarded the house all the time. But that usually comes with the stipulation of refinancing the home within X amount of years. Unless the ex spouse is kind (or foolish enough) to keep his name on the mortgage so the SAH does not have to refinance. That isn't necessarily ideal, though, because if that ex were to run into financial issues, then the house may be on the line as well.

I am sorry no one educated you on this, and I am not saying this callously, but with respect.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:50 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 21:02 PM

Well, I'm sure it's a moot point, as I probably cannot keep the house anyway. No worries.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/15/2014 21:17 PM

It used to be that as soon as a bank found out that the person on the loan was dead or not in the home, it had to be refinanced.

The banking/mortgage world is upside down right now, so my bank - BOA says they don't care who is staying in the house, as long as the payments are being made.

I, too, do not have to refinance the home. My name isn't even on the mortgage -- just the deed.
As long as I keep up with the payments, I'm good. It's in the divorce papers, and my mtg company doesn't care.

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 21:22 PM

Same thing here, Homewrecked. The bank doesn't seem to care, just as long as they're paid on time each month. They've never asked me about it, and I go in & pay in person each month.

Dark Inertia posted 3/15/2014 21:26 PM

Well, that I can understand, but like I said my only concern is if the mortgage holder has some sort of financial misstep, usually something drastic like bankruptcy. In that case then keeping the home will become an issue.

In your situation, NG, if you are saying the mortgage is in your ex's name... Then f you were unable to continue making the house payments the obligation is going to go to your ex, because it has always been his obligation. Hopefully he will prize his credit enough to make the payments in lieu of you... I would only worry about losing your home if you think he would trash his credit just to spite you.

And I believe the same goes for the property taxes, unless it is court ordered that you take care of it... And in that case it will still be his obligation.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:28 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 3/15/2014 21:40 PM

No, I didn't say the mortgage is in his name. It's not just in his name, it's in both of our names. The divorce decree says he now has no interest in the home anymore. How? Ask the judge or lawyers, I don't know how that stuff works.

Property taxes? I pay them. Even when the judge last year ordered my ex to pay them during the proceedings, he refused so I paid them to keep them from being delinquent. Now that we're divorced my ex does not have to keep paying the property taxes. They are my responsibility. Says so in the decree. How is that legal? I don't know, ask the judge.

I mean, if you wanted to get really picky then we could just go back to court and fight all over again about these very things. I could battle all over again to get a share of the money, he could battle to keep it and keep the house, and we'd just fight the same fight. Only we did this already. In court and out of court for almost two years. The battle has been fought. I got the house, he got the money. Legally I was entitled to half the money. The judge decided to get creative, giving the money to my ex and the house to me.

My ex doesn't give a shit about his credit rating or mine. Furthermore, if it could possibly hurt me, he'd trash his credit rating just to make life more difficult for me. He doesn't care about hurting the children, which is why he chose not to pay his full support amount. He does not care. Now that the divorce is final he'll never make a payment on this house again, not even if it means the children will be put out on the street (which he knows we are facing). He does not care.

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