Topic: Need advice quick!! please!
Member # 42121
| Posted: 3:12 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
So i just found out WH is still seeing OW. Found the instagram pics again! He doesnt even think what hes doing is that bad....he doesnt seem to care how much this hurts me. He says he couldnt make a choice about our marriage because its too hard and he doesnt want to lose me(????) He said hes happy with both of us. How sick is that!?
What do i do? I cant even think right now....
BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
*Finding my strength*
Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
Member # 42791
| Posted: 3:20 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
I am in a hard place as well and it is hard to think or do anything right now.
Give him an ultimatum would be my suggestion. You or her. If he picks you, you are going to need to see him actively taking steps to improve your marriage (cutting off contact with OW, going to therapy, being open with you about every detail of his day).
If he picks OW, then you should get yourself away from him to save yourself more pain down the road....
Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 39439
| Posted: 3:44 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
180. NOW!!! You can't lose. If he picks her, you win bc he is a scuzzy bag who can't even honour his wedding vows. If you 180 him, he might get his head out of his a$$ and smarten up. But the 180 is definitely called for.
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
Posts: 1631 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 35812
| Posted: 3:54 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
twillett, he has made a choice. He's chosen to have both of you in his life. He wants the security of you at home, taking care of business, and he wants the OW for the Shiney Bright FeelGood Fun he can have. That IS his choice.
What choice are you going to make? Because he's certainly not going to stop eating at home and noshing at the pick-up drive-thru as well unless you lock the home kitchen away.
I honestly think that you need to see a lawyer on Monday and file for a divorce or legal separation. If you don't pull that fence out from under him, he's going to ride on it for the rest of his life. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 6086 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 32943
| Posted: 3:57 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Exactly what Skan said.
He says he couldnt make a choice about our marriage
Then you make the choice. You don't want to be married to a man who has a girlfriend. A man who doesn't put his wife and children first.
Me: BS, 40's.
Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Member # 22386
| Posted: 4:04 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
I would push his a$$ off the fence!
Ultimatum time...you or OW. No room for three in a marriage.
Meet with an attorney.
Personally, I'd kick him to the curb. He's been playing ping-pong with your life for way too long, and he continues to lie.
You choose for YOU! Don't allow him to decide what's best for YOU!
Find that inner strength and use it.
Posts: 8022 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 21101
| Posted: 4:21 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Time for some consequences.
Time for you to put on the old butch boots and show him you deserve more respect than what he has shown you.
It's hard. But until you say it stops it will continue.
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 9986 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 42401
| Posted: 4:45 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
you are the only one who will decide what happens next..you either become a martyr or you make him decide...he does not get to make the rules...yes he has to decide you or her [or the next one]..you need to do a 180,and no contact...he is happy with both but he has to feel what it is not to have you,he needs to miss you...he is really cruel and does not seem to care about you....PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR FOR STD AS SOON AS POSSIBLE....don't let him touch you,YOUR HEALTH IS IN DANGER.....I would contact a lawyer ,after telling him to get out...he needs to see consequences....please see a lawyer,let him know you are serious and not a doormat....show him you mean business.....act smart,he is a serious cheater
Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Member # 19636
| Posted: 4:57 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Like Skan said, he HAS made his choice, he wants both. He will likely continue to have both unless someone (YOU!!!!) removes that option. I would be kind of scorched earth about this if it were me.
As in put his crap in hefty bags on the porch and call a locksmith and change the locks kind of scorched earth. Let him know the marriage he had such a tough time deciding about only has 2 people in it so obviously you are both done with that. Then go silent. 180 hard.
And take really, really good care of yourself. Legally, emotionally, financially... you deserve to be nurtured, so do that for you ((((hugs))))
BW - Reconciling
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Posts: 3691 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 33806
| Posted: 8:49 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014|
Definitely a hard 180..
Be prepared that he may not leave if you try to throw him out.. He may not have to leave if he doesn't want to..(If the house is 1/2 his)..
In this case (if you want him out) get your ducks in a row to FORCE him out..That usually means filing for divorce or separation..
In the meantime protect your finances and do NOTHING for him..
He needs to feel what it is like to have a life without you..
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 2013 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 42581
| Posted: 9:44 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014|
I'm sorry honey. Taking it easy on him doesn't work. Like the other said. He has made a choice. Now, what is your choice knowing his? We know it's hard. You can't nice him back. Time for the bitch boots.
Make that lawyer appointment. One step at a time, ok?
Unremorseful for 3.5 years
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he can't meet them.
Posts: 4380 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 42000
| Posted: 9:35 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014|
He wants her in your lives, you don't, so kick them both out.
Be strong (((hugs)))
Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Member # 8531
| Posted: 11:16 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014|
What you need quickly is not advice, it is action - on your part.
This has been going on for months. I think you are so afraid of him leaving you that you are willing to tolerate just about anything.
Time to put you as number one. Time to change this from a complicated problem to a simple one.
1. What did the lawyer tell you last Tuesday? If you didn't go, why not. Time for ACTION on your part.
2. Do you want a liar and a cheater for a husband? If not, why are you so worried about losing the loser.
3. Start making plans to move forward without him. ASAP.
The sooner you take control, the sooner you will feel better about everything. Right now you feel like all this is being done TO you. One way to stop that is to take control yourself.
[This message edited by k9lover1 at 11:17 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.
Posts: 8160 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38763
| Posted: 12:08 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014|
I've been through this exact situation. I agree with everything Skan's and others have said and I wish I'd found SI years ago while I was in this myself.
The only thing I'd caution about is the ultimatum. It's important for you to say exactly what you want and what you mean but a guy (or gal) caught up in the high of a wife and girlfriend who both know about each other is extremely fog producing. They feel like kings of the entire world, living the biggest, most awesome fluffy, rainbow farting unicorn fantasy ever.
So...give an ultimatum but think it through ahead and be prepared to follow through immediately. Think it through FIRST so you aren't trying to think it through after he's laughed in your face or told you that he won't choose between you so he chooses himself or he delivers the ILYBINILWY speech because "you backed him into a corner with your ultimatum and you know how he acts when someone does that to him".
Please know your plan before you give him the ultimatum and then follow through.
If you don't follow through you might as well tell him that you are in agreement with his girlfriend and you are just fine having her in bed with you as well. I kid you not and I am not guessing.
180 extremely hard and brutally. Do it right now. I know it is hard and hurts but it will protect you and it's absolutely necessary unless, again, you are just fine with what he is doing.
My life has been ruined by this stuff as well as the stupid choices I made during. I say "during" rather than "after" because in this type of mess where he's trying to go about a poly amorous situation but entirely the wrong way, there is no "after" until you carve the "after" out of blood and stone.
You can do this but be quick and cut him out completely, at least until his bubble bursts. If it doesn't, divorce his ass and cut him out completely to save your own sanity.
This is the advice I wish to all the gods that be someone had given me.
Me: 43 BS
Him: 39 ws
Ow: 45 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.
Posts: 277 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
|Topic Posts: 14|