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veronique12 posted 3/15/2014 15:32 PM

I was going through H's things, which happens when I trigger sometimes, and I found a note from OW to H that I overlooked finding before. It was scrawled on a notepad from some business and it said how wonderful my H is--that he's so brilliant, that he's a terrific father and wonderful with his kids, that it's so admirable that he started his own business, oh and that it's such a shame that the woman who gets to sleep next to him isn't grateful for what she has, and also she wrote that he is a (I'm not kidding) sex god.

I showed to my H and he said it was an old note, that he stashed it away and forgot about it. He said that she wrote it bc she wanted him to have something concrete about her feelings bc he deleted all their texts. I guess this note made him feel amazing--I mean, he's a sex god right?

I've got a lot of different feelings about this note. One is anger, of course. Anger at him keeping what is basically her argument for why she would be a better mate for him than the ungrateful bitch he's married to. Another feeling is that my H is so pathetic. Seriously, she cares that he started a business? Puhleaze, she wants his $, even tho I think she'd be unpleasantly surprised by his bank account. And he's a sex god? Really? OK...if you say so. I've been sleeping with this man for 20 years. Maybe I never brought out the sex god in him bc I'm just not hot enough. It's so transparent and sad that he fell for this. She hit every weakness of his and he ate it up like a pig at a trough. I'd say I was impressed by her manipulation, but it was so ridiculously transparent and adolescent that I'm embarrassed for my H.

I've also considered the possibility that this is a new note given to him after NC. H denies this over and over, but how am I to really know? He argues that he knows I go through his stuff and why would he stash it there? If he remembered it he would have thrown it out.

Feeling revolted, angry, suspicious, and grossed out. Can't we just get to a place where there are no more traumas inflicted? I'm so sick to death of this crap.

rachelc posted 3/15/2014 15:51 PM

I'm so sorry you found this! I'm wondering why he still has it!?
Hugs to you...

Lovedyoumore posted 3/15/2014 16:07 PM

Aren't they all sex gods? The best at everything they do? The spouse is the last to know how great they are. Your WS is the best they have ever had and we just do not appreciate them for the most wonderfully creative, sexual partners that have ever lived. I have wondered which one was more delusional.

You know, true love never needs to create some over the top sexual super hero identity to justify the relationship. Real love is enough.

JellyGirl84 posted 3/15/2014 16:07 PM

I'm sorry you are still dealing with this crap. The OW's comments about you are triggering me. I just KNOW my xWH probably heard an earful about me from that whore and it just kills me inside. How DO we get over it?

veronique12 posted 3/15/2014 16:15 PM

I don't know how we get over it. My H had his head so far up his ass that he actually believed for a while that OW "felt bad" about what she was doing.

In some weird way this note takes a little of the sting out things. I mean how ridiculous and pathetic are they? She threw herself at him in the most juvenile way. What a loser.

whattheh posted 3/15/2014 17:44 PM

Did your fWH say that the note made him feel amazing or is that your take? And what does he think about the note now? I would explore that and use the note as an exercise to
understand whether he sees the manipulation now and that she was after your $? Sometimes men need a female perspective to understand another female.

veronique12 posted 3/15/2014 18:08 PM

He said he kept it at first bc it was meaningful to him. He says he knows it is ridiculous and bullshit now and he forgot about it but idk. I think it's a memento of their time. And if that's the case then what do I do with that? How can he prove he forgot vs was holding on? He can't. He says he is disgusted by her and wants nothing to do with her but... I am not inside his head. I can only go on what I see and what I see is that he still has this note.

He is trying to be a model fws. Pushing me to read and spend time together. Pushing for more therapy, but I just can't accept that he is not going to hurt me again. I'm exhausted looking over my shoulder all the time. I'm feeling so doubtful about ever getting to a point where I can take what he says as true.

rachelc posted 3/15/2014 18:16 PM

Veronique I don't know what to tell you about him telling the truth but if it turns out he was hanging onto it as a memento it would be a dealbreaker for me.
One of the things about the transfer of vigilance involves getting rid of all this crap.
Last week my husband brought home a business publication with the contact info of both OW. It didn't go over well. He needed to anticipate this and foresee what will bother me.
Your husband needs to go through everything with a fine tooth comb and make sure you won't see anything that will trigger you by things in his control...

hopefulmother posted 3/15/2014 21:20 PM

It just amazes me the BS our husband's eat up from these "other" woman. It also amazes me that these woman feel good about feeding men this shit. I mean really? Doesn't it get tiresome to boost an adults ego all the time.

Really!? It is one thing to show your appreciation. It is a completely different story to treat an adult man like my toddler children.

Duh, of course we appreciate them. We ARE married to them. We chose them to spend the rest of our life with out of the millions of other men out there. We (wives) may know that we don't always show it...but really???did our wayward spouses always show that same shit to us?

So easy to spout parental encouragement when they don't have to cook, clean, make apps, pay bills, take care of kids, fit in date nights, love our spouse, make love, and all the other stuff we do for them (that they didn't notice, just because we asked them to bring home milk) while ignoring ourselves at the same time.

We do all the hard work, so the chics can reap the good stuff.

hopefulmother posted 3/15/2014 21:24 PM

Personally, I would make him feel ashamed for eating up the garbage. What ever happened to intrinsically feeling good about ourselves? Having self-confidence where you don't need outside validation?

I agree, I would be disgusted and I wouldn't be surprised that he lost some of my respect.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 23:36 PM

I'm sorry Veronique. I can only hope that time will help. R is a long journey and you are still so recently hurt by the discovery. If he keeps being remorseful, perhaps your ability to trust will grow. Of course it can't and shouldn't be instantaneous.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 3/15/2014 23:40 PM

I would think really hard about the lovation you found the note, and if its feasible that he wouldnt have remembered it was there or come across it himself since DDay. Was it in an actual notebook or was it a loose sheet?
You need to tell him this is his final chance to remove all A related momentos, so he should think real hard.

I know men arent as detail oriented about relationship things, but I just really TIRE of all the "i dont remember", "i forgot" carp. Cmon, all of a sudden we are to believe they are dunces??

The dig against you makes this note just so much harsher.

This would be a davastating thing to find. If he is serious about R he needs to be damn sure you arent traumatized again by anything else he "forgot".

This would really set me back. The fact he saved it, the doubts its raised, the heinous content...

So sorry hon. I hope he's being honest but YOU know him best - is he scatterbrained, likely to overlook somethinh like this? If so, use it as a tool, like PP suggested, to discuss female manipulation, triggers, and mostly the immense pain this caused

ShiningAutumn8 posted 3/15/2014 23:53 PM

Also, I gotta say, the part about being an "amazing father" really pisses me off in general. How the F would she know? Even if she did see him around his kids, that line there proves she was just manipulating via ego strokes. S Cheating on his wife/mother of his children is in fact being a horrible father. She mighta well have said he was "so honest and trustworthy" as well. EYEROLL

MrsDoubtfire posted 3/16/2014 02:19 AM

Hang on a minute. Turn this around.

I'd give that note right back to my H and say:

Great husbands don't cheat on their wives. Terrific fathers do not tear up their kid's security and throw it all away for a cheap thrill. Behind ever successful business man is a woman supporting him in his endeavours by picking up the slack at home. And to sleep next to a sex god every night and not appreciate him shows he's not actually 'all that' in bed because if he was there'd be no sleeping involved!

Let's face it. His status and his sexual prowess would be important assets for a lot of men (if I'm wrong here then please chime in wise SI males) so she's just trying to punch every emotional button she can think of by bigging up his abilities as a husband, father, business man and sexual partner!

Did she get that straight from the playground? Is he that cheap that he would be so easily sucked into LaLa land by such drivel?

The answer is yes! During the fog WS's are broken and are seeking ANY validation that proves their worth.

Is it possible he forgot that note was there? If it was in a pile of papers it is possible he might have missed it if he was searching for it to get rid of it. It depends where you found it of course.

You have to remind yourself that all those words the OW wrote were, at that time, lies written from a woman involved in a relationship based on lies so are worth jack! If your H wants to make them true words right now he has to become an honourable husband, a decent father to his children, an honest business man and a man that is willing to learn how to make you go weak at the knees year after year after year!

veronique12 posted 3/16/2014 04:56 AM

Thanks everyone. Yes it's possible he forgot but I guess I'm just stuck with never really knowing. He is well aware of what I think of the contents of the note and how twisted and manipulative it was. He says he hates that I found it and am upset by it, hates what it says, hates the person who wrote it, and hates that he let himself sink so low and destroy our family and M for something so (now) obviously false. I have also told him that he should think hard about anything else associated with her and get rid of it before I find it, because I will. He says there's nothing else.

Yes, Mrs. Doubtfire, she hit every point that mattered to my H and to most men. This is a person who pretended to be my friend, brought herself and kids over to my house, so she could keep tabs, learn details, and then divide and conquer. An all around nasty individual, a snake in the grass.

You're right, norabird, R is so hard. One minute I feel like we can actually do this, that we can have a happy M. The next I want to burn it all down, take a baseball bat to OW's car, drink a bottle of vodka, and call a D lawyer.

Just another day on the rollercoaster I guess.

hummingbird8 posted 3/16/2014 05:30 AM

I would be careful going on and on about what bullshit her note is. You have said yourself it's something most men need or like to hear. Then if he has you in his ear saying what bullshit you think it is, I can't imagine he will feel too good.

I'm also not saying a WS deserves to feel good right now, but I think if you choose to reconcile you need to think of what the WS was getting from the affair. Do you tell your husband the types of things like what's on the note?

Also about the sex God part. My husband (not the one who brought me here) has an ex wife that was not interested in sex with him. There was no infidelity. However I think she is nuts because he is hands down the best sex ever. Not saying she brought out the sex God in him and you don't, but just because you don't think he's all that, doesn't mean to someone else he is not.

I know being angry with WS is common. I couldn't get feel the same for my WS so I divorced, but I would be leery of staying and having all negative thoughts about my spouse. Good luck.