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Opposite of HB

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LolaJean posted 3/15/2014 18:00 PM

I've heard a lot about hysterical bonding after D days but not a lot about the opposite. Now that the dust is settling and we are really working on things together, I can't help but get triggers and well, just not feel good enough for him sexually. If I was enough, why was he going elsewhere? Sometimes I cringe when he touches me, thinking what he's or who he's really thinking about. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about the APs and what was so great about these whores and what's wrong with me. I think about all the emails, texts, social media messages to these whores, the pictures and videos I found. We had a great sex life, or what I thought was great, before, how do we get that back or can we ever? Is it a confidence thing with me, is it something he can do? Has anyone else felt this way and had this issue, and what did you do to help?

whattheh posted 3/15/2014 18:07 PM

My fWH focused on explaining how he felt when having sex with OW vs with me. In our case my fWH found he didn't enjoy sex with OW because there was no emotional connection and it was mechanical. OW was just a body and could have been anybody. He said it wasn't comfortable and was awkward.

We had HB at first but when working through things but then we took a break due to my triggers. I've been watching and seeing that he is motivated to have sex due to our emotional connection. I can see what we have is really different and what we have is nothing like what sex was like with OW. This took time for me to comprehend.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:10 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

FixYou71 posted 3/15/2014 19:53 PM

I can say that I absolutely struggled with, and still struggle with, the comparison factor. For my H it was porn and I doubt he was looking at girls/women who looked like me. Every part of me now seems inadequate to the nth degree. He says otherwise, of course but already struggling with an aging body, one that's had two kids and breastfed them both, thinking of what he's seen, the many many perfect bodies he's viewed is, and has been, excruciatingly painful. I hope to one day feel comfortable in my own skin but I'm probably looking at a long way off. I hear you. (((Lolajean)))

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 9:09 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

cuppacoffee posted 3/15/2014 19:57 PM

We went from a very frequent sex life during his brief PA to 2-3 months of Hb to less than once a week.

I feel like he is rejecting me an he feels guilty about the sex.
I just can't believe this is where we are now. I do trigger during sex wondering if he moaned or called out her name during it. I don't know what he thinks about.

Just another part of my life destroyed. Sometime I wonder if we should divorce because I don't know if we will ever get any where close to the attraction we had in the bedroom before. I can't even fake it anymore because I think f@ck him- he doesn't deserve that.

NoMorDeceit posted 3/15/2014 20:41 PM

Talk about it with him when it happens. In the early days we had to stop in the middle of things to work through those exact thoughts. Do not hold them back, that is part of the piece that he destroyed and he should have to work to put it back together.

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