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Losttransport posted 3/15/2014 22:03 PM

Sorry for this vent, I just had to get it out somewhere. It is the 2nd anniversary of DDay, plus my dad is in the hospital following knee replacement surgery and he's not doing as well as expected. I spent the night at the hospital so I'm tired and this day sucks.
It's March 15. Two years have passed. I don't know how, but it has. It's another month that I mark time. I can't help it. Twenty four months ago at this time, I was happy. I thought we had a great marriage. I thought we were happy.

I was so stupid and so blind.

I mark time. I look at the clock on the 15th of each month, and I say to my self, "It's 10:30 pm. On march 15th, AT THIS TIME I was still stupid, and blind, and happy." And I mark off minutes: 10:40pm, the kids had my phone so I picked up his to play a game. Do you know, I can't even remember what game that was? You'd think I would remember but I don't.

10:45, and WH is asleep beside me on the bed, and I'm playing.

10:46, and I still know that WH loves only me, and that we have a strong marriage and he would never cheat. It wasn't something that even crossed my mind! That's how secure I was.

10:47pm: an email pops in. One who I don't recognize, but it carries my death in it.

Did you know I ran to the bathroom that night when I found out? That seems to be my only sanctuary. I sat on the floor in the bathroom and read the emails between WH and OW that killed me. I wished for death. Both of them telling the other, "I love you." That was supposed to be only for me. Details: I want to smack you with my tongue. Directions and plans to meet at empty places. They both killed me.

Since then, I have changed. I don't always like who I am now, I don't like the person it has made me into. I'm not nice anymore. Oh, people tell me I am, but they don't know the real me. I'm fouled inside. I have my happy times, definitely, and my children are my joys! but I see a cynical side that likes to rear its ugly head, too.

There is love for WH still, even now, there is love. But he hurt a part of me, my soul and my heart, so deeply, I haven't recovered. The trust is gone, and I don't think I will ever give him that kind of power over my heart again. He seems to have done well. But I'm not. Can there be a successful reconciliation without trust? He's remorseful, but doesn't like to bring A up. When I saw the OW a few months ago at the grocery store for the first time since DDay, he knew I was upset but just avoided talking about it. I have access to everything, but anyone here knows that sometimes means squat. Maybe I just don't trust myself enough to trust him, KWIM?

Two years. God, I don't know if You're answering questions today, but what did I do to deserve this? I know it's not me, it's my WH but the anniversary of my DDay has brought it to the forefront with a nasty vengeance.

Tomorrow will be better. I know this. Just this particular day bites the big one. Thanks for whoever listened to this :)

BW2639 posted 3/15/2014 22:27 PM

I'm just over two years myself. I pretty much hate the time of year when my fWW's A started ( fall) through the time I found out ( January ). I know you didn't ask any questions, but I did read your post and feel a lot of the same things you've described. Everyone says it gets better....hope they're right.

PhantomLimb posted 3/15/2014 22:39 PM

I just want to let you know you've been heard. I'm a little over a month away from my 1 year anniversary. He abandoned me within a few weeks of me finding out and I haven't heard from him since. I would have loved to R, but he forced my hand when he ran off. I maintained NC mostly because I didn't want his memories of me to be me begging him to come back. I knew him well enough to know once he was no longer "perfect" in my eyes and the eyes of our friends and family, he would run to reinvent himself with OW.

Today was a beautiful day where I live and I think it triggered some kind of sense memory of some of the last times we were together, walking the dog through the neighborhood, getting excited about spring. A few times it's hit me that he's gone, that the man I loved was a monster, etc and I feel like I want to throw up. I've been doing well lately overall, but I hear you when you talk about the sense of feeling like you were a blissful and happy person until this happened and now you are permanently damaged inside. That knowledge that you have been damaged hits me at the weirdest times. Just walking up the stairs, I'll realize that my walk is heavier now, more labored. I'll hear something on TV in the background that sparks a thought I would have shared with X... but as soon as that instinct hits, it's gone. I realize that he's no longer there to share my life with...

Good luck on your R. I hope in time your pain passes.

((hugs))

norabird posted 3/15/2014 23:33 PM

(((((Hugs))))))

You did nothing to deserve this.

Sparkle0504 posted 3/16/2014 00:47 AM

(((LT)))

Icr and I hear you. I've had a lot of sh!t go down throughout my adult life and am often marvelled at for my ability to bounce back, smile, be positive. But this? It sucks big time - "the gift that keeps on giving".

But tomorrow is indeed another day and there is no law that says it has to suck too Do something that makes you happy, no matter how small. I'm not sure what it will be for me, but even planning something is a positive step.

Maybe I'll work on inventing a magic wand