Sorry for this vent, I just had to get it out somewhere. It is the 2nd anniversary of DDay, plus my dad is in the hospital following knee replacement surgery and he's not doing as well as expected. I spent the night at the hospital so I'm tired and this day sucks.
It's March 15. Two years have passed. I don't know how, but it has. It's another month that I mark time. I can't help it. Twenty four months ago at this time, I was happy. I thought we had a great marriage. I thought we were happy.
I was so stupid and so blind.
I mark time. I look at the clock on the 15th of each month, and I say to my self, "It's 10:30 pm. On march 15th, AT THIS TIME I was still stupid, and blind, and happy." And I mark off minutes: 10:40pm, the kids had my phone so I picked up his to play a game. Do you know, I can't even remember what game that was? You'd think I would remember but I don't.
10:45, and WH is asleep beside me on the bed, and I'm playing.
10:46, and I still know that WH loves only me, and that we have a strong marriage and he would never cheat. It wasn't something that even crossed my mind! That's how secure I was.
10:47pm: an email pops in. One who I don't recognize, but it carries my death in it.
Did you know I ran to the bathroom that night when I found out? That seems to be my only sanctuary. I sat on the floor in the bathroom and read the emails between WH and OW that killed me. I wished for death. Both of them telling the other, "I love you." That was supposed to be only for me. Details: I want to smack you with my tongue. Directions and plans to meet at empty places. They both killed me.
Since then, I have changed. I don't always like who I am now, I don't like the person it has made me into. I'm not nice anymore. Oh, people tell me I am, but they don't know the real me. I'm fouled inside. I have my happy times, definitely, and my children are my joys! but I see a cynical side that likes to rear its ugly head, too.
There is love for WH still, even now, there is love. But he hurt a part of me, my soul and my heart, so deeply, I haven't recovered. The trust is gone, and I don't think I will ever give him that kind of power over my heart again. He seems to have done well. But I'm not. Can there be a successful reconciliation without trust? He's remorseful, but doesn't like to bring A up. When I saw the OW a few months ago at the grocery store for the first time since DDay, he knew I was upset but just avoided talking about it. I have access to everything, but anyone here knows that sometimes means squat. Maybe I just don't trust myself enough to trust him, KWIM?
Two years. God, I don't know if You're answering questions today, but what did I do to deserve this? I know it's not me, it's my WH but the anniversary of my DDay has brought it to the forefront with a nasty vengeance.
Tomorrow will be better. I know this. Just this particular day bites the big one. Thanks for whoever listened to this :)