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I'm tired of faking it......

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Lost15 posted 3/15/2014 23:42 PM

When this all started the advice I was given and I've lived by really even before is to fake it until you make it. But I am sick of faking it. I put on a happy face and act like nothing is bothering me, that I'm ok, that I am strong, that I can handle anything, that the fact he is with someone else doesn't bother me, that he is nothing to me. While some of this may be true to a degree, it isn't 100%. I am NOT ok, I can't handle much more before I break, I am so tired, I want it all to end, I don't want to cry when I'm all alone, I don't want to feel this loneliness, I don't want to smile some days, I don't want to make small talk because I'm depressed and exhausted most days. I don't know why my life turned out this way. I don't know why the man I loved and trusted with everything would do this. I don't know why he seemed to talk to everyone but me about being unhappy. I'm just tired of faking it, does any one else feel this way sometimes? I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer but I think it is almost getting more exhausting putting on a happy face. I sometimes want to cry and say please just give me a hug. I have always lived my life this way. I've always been a quiet and shy person, I don't really come out of my shell until I really know you, and yet many times I would love to come out of that shell and just talk to people. I don't know if any of this makes sense but it helps to get things out sometimes.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 23:45 PM

I am so sorry you are struggling. The next time you just want to cry and ask for a hug please do it! You should be free to express the pain of this. A true friend and sometimes even strangers or kind acquaintances will be more understanding than you can imagine.

I think fake it til you make it can be useful when dealing with an ex, not giving them the power of seeming to affect you, but in safe places, you owe it to yourself to be honest and open. I think it will probably speed up your healing to acknowledge and release the feelings of shock, sadness, and betrayal.

Lost15 posted 3/15/2014 23:51 PM

Thank you norabird. I do open up to some people but sometimes its just hard. I know I really am doing better than when all of this began. I just think that the D not being over yet, who knows when that will happen, my mom going through chemo treatments, DS not speaking to his father, trying to study for a CPA exam, and financial concerns have thrown me over the edge. I will be ok, I do know this. It just seems that lately it has all weighed so heavy on me and when people tell me how good I look and how much better I seem, I just wanted to scream No I'm Not.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 23:58 PM

Can you find a way to get IC where you can let all your anxiety out? Or something like a Divorce care support group or just a new kickboxing hobby where you can picture your frustrations on the bag and beat them up.

However you have been handling so much that feeling overwhelmed is pretty normal. You can certainly acknowledge that, even if only jokingly when people say you're doing great. No one needs you to keep up the facade--if you are doing it, it's probably in large part because of your own expectations. Maybe you are so afraid of buckling under the strain that you don't want to allow any cracks to come to the surface for fear they spread and take you down. Personally I can't imagine keeping everything bottled up, I findso much comfort in allowing others to share a small part of my burden. I know everyone is different but maybe if you tried being more vulnerable socially in certain situations you would find it's not as uncomfortable as you feared.

No matter what you will get through this and one day your reaction to people telling you you look great and are doing well will be--damn straight!

[This message edited by norabird at 2:37 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 3/16/2014 02:41 AM

I used to fake it 'til I made it. I believed in that all the way to my core, on my deepest fundamental level.

I was wrong.

Sure, it's okay for life's minor situations. Things that aren't Really Big Deals. Fake away. But for the big stuff? I've finally learned that it's critical to be honest & authentic with people.

No, I'm not okay today. I'm feeling really down because of _______. Or I'm feeling vulnerable today. I'm feeling shaky & upset. I just want to cry & curl up to sleep for a year... People understand that kind of stuff. They may not always respond just the right way, but most people genuinely understand and will want to help, maybe they'll just be the perfect person to sit & listen to you & give you a hug.

Human beings are not supposed to lie & fake their way through life. It is very freeing to finally accept this as true and live your life accordingly.

SBB posted 3/16/2014 02:49 AM


I think fake it til you make it can be useful when dealing with an ex, not giving them the power of seeming to affect you, but in safe places, you owe it to yourself to be honest and open. I think it will probably speed up your healing to acknowledge and release the feelings of shock, sadness, and betrayal.

^^THIS.

In the early days it is essential just for getting out of bed. As the dust settles and the shock wears off you have to let those feelings come.

At first they are crippling but now they are cleansing.

2-5 years is the broad timeline for R - I think it's about the same in S/D. It's not just time though - it's what you do with that time.

Jennifer99 posted 3/16/2014 07:26 AM

I tried the whole fake it til you make it thing. I think it almost made me crazy. Its just so not me. I'm about as open and honest and blunt as one can be. Discussed in IC and she asked "then why are you?"

Back to me I went - wanted to cry wherever I was, I cried, someone wanted to know why, I told them, I got LOTS of hugs (did I want them all??? no ) - wanted to be angry but ds was around, now I'm angry, guess what, he understands - wanted to look like a miserable sad mess (cry, not smiley, etc) but stbxh was around, f that, let him see my misery, what do I care any more what he sees or what he thinks? really.

I feel much better now. Instead of feeling all stuffed up inside I have happy days and bad days. And they just are what they are, anyone who doesn't like seeing or dealing - get away from me

Funny too how my son started smiling again once I was back to me. He said once "I see we're going to be ok now, mom is still mom". Jaysus I love this kid.

tesla posted 3/16/2014 08:51 AM

I was faking it with ex-shat...by that I mean when I picked Teslet up or we had any reason to see each other for D stuff...I was dressed like I had somewhere ah-mazing to be. I acted like he was insignificant to me...in his presence. That's what I think fake it till you make it means.

This is how I visualize the shit that we are actually going through:

It's this really crazy, bitch of a steep mountain. We are at the base of it and someone handed us a canteen of water, a piece of flint, and a knife and told us to go climb the mountain and come down the other side. Can't fake that shit and we shouldn't try. It's okay to be honest and open with others about how you feel and that you aren't having a great day. It's okay to live a real and authentic life. For me, the first year past D-day, IC was a must. That was the place I allowed myself to be me and to be hurt and confused and angry. Eventually in IC we worked on how I could open up and have trusting friendships and relationships with new people as I began building my new life.

This shit ain't easy.
((((lost15))))

CheshCat posted 3/16/2014 13:05 PM

Try adding in honesty.

NOT to him... But to others.

Keep the smile, but substitute the lies for the truth as you go about your life.

"Hey, Lost great to see you! How ya doing?"

"I'm a total hot mess clinging on by my fingernails :D Keeping upbeat, but it's wicked exhausting, ya know?"

Because everyone does.

Acknowledging things are hard is different from moping, living in bitterness, Debbie downer, and all that jazz.

Part of the fun in being honest is that you can see YOURSELF as you improve. Because you'll switch from hot mess to lukewarm disaster to, mostly good days, etc. As opposed to lying with a whitewash of "Fine, great, how are you?"

I still believe in the ethos of fake it till ya make it... Because it adds motivation. Things suck, but ya keep going, and it allows for happiness. By "faking it" you still make plans, go do things, etc. But that doesn't mean that you need to lie about things being hard. It's hard, and you're still truckin.

Chesh

Lost15 posted 3/16/2014 16:18 PM

norabird I am in IC and DivorceCare. They both have helped me so much. But even they believe I've improved tremendously and am going to be ok and maybe I have more than I realize. Maybe this is just another hurdle I have to cross. I know I have improved from day one to now. I honestly believe it is all the stress this week that is getting to me.

I have always lived a life of faking it to make it and the more I think about the more I realize just how unhealthy that has been at times. I'm not one who likes to bother others with my problems or concerns. I would rather listen to others problems than to burden them with my own. I am getting better though. I do open up more than I use to and sometimes to strangers, which oddly seems to help better than to family or friends. That is why coming here has helped. I can just type my feelings and get it off my chest. I just feel like my family and the few friends I do have here have to be sick of hearing about my problems. I really need to work on not caring what others think, but I have lived my entire life that way. Thanks for the comments everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you.

norabird posted 3/16/2014 21:41 PM

((((Hugs))))

Oh sweetie--I just want to say--maybe you minimize your struggles because you believe you doing matter enough to take up other's time asking for sympathy, but let me tell you, you DO matter. You don't need to minimize your feelings, your existence. Your problems are just as important as everyone else's. I'm glad you are getting support on IC and divorce care; just know that you are not a burden on others. You are a beautiful, empathetic soul who needs to believe in her own worth and give voice to it.

I am sure you are getting there, and everyone has bad weeks, so don't beat yourself up for not feeling as improved as others think you are, and give yourself permission to have this struggle matter.

Lost15 posted 3/17/2014 21:58 PM

I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone. I had a very stressful week and was letting everything get to me. My mother had her last chemo treatment today, that I couldn't be there for because we had mediation. Mediation didn't go well at all but my mom is doing ok. I think I sometimes let stress get the best of me. I am doing better today. I just hope I continue on the right path to healing, these setbacks are a killer.

mamazen posted 3/17/2014 22:25 PM

Giving you a hug right now.....

I'm not a fake-it-til-ya-make-it person; everything is plastered on my face, for all to see. I'm sick of hearing "you look tired"! I do know that people care, but not everyone is up for hearing the details...so when they ask how ya doing? I say, OK; stable in my instability! then smile (it's true...), or I might say it's rough but I'm surviving (very true words). Then I turn it around and say how are you???? And really mean it (most of the time LOL).

You have my compassion for your pain.

solus sto posted 3/18/2014 07:44 AM

(((Lost)))) how about instead if faking it, you give yourself permission to feel what you feel? As a faker in recovery (who still is prone to it; repression was born and bred into me), I've found, over years and years of unwelcome experience, that healing really can't occur until those feelings are walked through. Skirting them may seem easier, but in the long run just prolongs recovery, IMO.

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