Are you ready to go to the mat with it?
Is she flatly denies it. Are you confident in what you know?
What do you want to happen?
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
It will be - but we are just friends.
As the others have said, if your evidence is solid I would plan to confront. However, if you can get more evidence quickly (like from computer, facebook, etc) I would do it. It will disappear as soon as you confront. Put copies up in a secure place that she has no access to.
In the confrontation, have certain clear expectations and outcomes. No contact of ANY sort, failure to abide results in XXX; Full disclosure to all electronics/accounts etc...failure to abide results in XX; You get the point. However, you MUST be ready to follow through on XX what ever you decide that will be. Failure to do that will result in continued problems.
You do not have to make final decisions regarding reconciliation or divorce now. Take your time and let her actions help you decide how to proceed. She will show you by her behavior. Expect her to DENY, and do the just friends talk.
As far as exposure. I would expose to the OM betrayed spouse. If you put light on it, it helps to stop it. I would be very careful in exposing to others. If you reconcile, then others are aware of the situation and can result in some bad relationships or situations. I chose not to expose to family unless we moved to divorce. We didn't and I am glad I didn't involve them in this.
I am sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of good information and support on this forum. Keep posting!
If it is not very solid proof, she will lie her way out of it. If this is an affair, she will be more careful in the future.
Of course the hard part is you probably have good proof she went to a different state than she said she was going to, and that is bad enough.
Get as much proof as you can. Was this an airlines, get a copy of the reservation that proves she went to a different place.
Call the gf that she said she was going to help, ask for your wife. What the heck is her friend going to say when your wife isnt there.
Think of all the ways your wife can lie out of what you know and try to find ways to stop her from being able to lie out of anything you know about.
I would ask you to think how good your evidence is.
If you gave it to the Other Man's Wife would she believe you that her husband and your wife are having an Affair.
If the answer is yes do not confront your wife.
Copy your evidence and keep it in a safe place. Then tell your wife you need to go out of town for a day.
Go see the OMW and give her the evidence.
Then go home.
And watch your wifes reaction when the OM or his wife contacts her.
If she is remorseful then you need to lay down strict boundaries and rules of where your marriage proceeds from here.
If she is brazen then notify her family about the affair and ask them for their support as you two work through her infidelity.
If your evidence will not pass muster then stay quiet and collect more.
Get what you need and rock your wifes world to her foundations. She needs to know you are smarter than her and she has made a very bad decision.
Read the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.
You don't need enough evidence for a court of law, unless you think you'll end up there and it's to your advantage. You need enough evidence to convince yourself beyond reasonable doubt.
Don't decide on R or D (Reconciliation or Divorce) today. You don't need to decide today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. And frankly, you probably aren't emotionally stable enough to make life-changing decisions.
How she reacts to the confrontation is important data. If she stonewalls, lies, gaslights, blameshifts, or trickle truths, you are in for a long, hard way to go.
Of course, you are in for a long, hard way to go in any event, but some are longer than others.
Remember that your marriage is important, but your marriage depends on a healthy you. Self-care is vital.
The immediate things to do to protect yourself and your kids:
1. See a lawyer, and find out what your rights are, her obligations, and how this would play out should you need to D. Not knowing can paralyze you with fear, and thinking you know can cause you to make bad decisions based on assumptions.
2. Decide what you want, and if you want to R then you need to figure out what you need from her to make that happen.
3. Sleep and eat, and if you are struggling to do those things see your Dr, and let them know what is going on in your life. A little pharmaceutical support can help you keep balance a little better. Sleep deprivation makes us less able to think clearly, and make good sound choices, and also makes us more prone to being emotional. (This is for men and women alike, and there are plenty of studies that show this).
Know that your situation is unique to you, but that most A's have some very common truths, that carry through one situation to the next, to the next and the next. So know that when we offer advice we have either BTDT (been there done that) or seen it happen to others. We really want to help you minimize your pain, and heal.
Lastly know that no matter what happens and how this plays out you will become stronger, smarter, and even better as a person because of it. Keep reading, keep posting.
Get your support network together - a therapist, friends, a lawyer to consult.
You must be strong - and calm. Anger is your enemy.
You need to confront her - and you need to tell the other guy's wife about the affair.
You cannot and should not try to figure it all out right away - you should not demand a divorce, decide to reconcile, leave the house.....
What you need is a few months of calm while you heal and decide what you want to do.
She has to go complete no contact - and tell you everything give you complete access to all computers and phones - or she has to leave the home. (do not let her fantasize that you will quietly go away while she gets to replace you with the scumbag.)
However… No matter what you do and decide all we can do is guide. And a lot of what we will suggest will sound extremely counterproductive…
We have way too many posters that come here, post once and then flee. Our advice tends to be direct, sound harsh BUT IT’S TRUE! So please… It’s been 2 days from your first post… Please confirm you are still here and we will get behind you.
Please listen, though. The collective wisdom from here is golden for you in this process. I wish I had listened to the collective wisdom and I bet I am not the only one on here to say that.
You will survive. Stay as cool as possible. Eat. Stay hydrated. Try and sleep.
Check in here. Often.
Positive action will help you move past this. Please come back so we can help. If you can't post please read the healing library and read the threads in different forums to see what you are facing.
Knowledge is power.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Exposure is up to you, if you are going to work on it, keep it to a minimum to avoid the fallout because it wont only hurt her, as many people have lost good connections with friends and family by outting the affair.
Do your best to keep calm and decide what you want. At the end of the day regardless of what you do, how you do it, be sure you can look and the mirror and be happy with yourself. You are independent of others actions, so be sure to keep control of the only thing you ever really can in life,yourself!