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Newest Member: Blsoul (61132)

User Topic: Best first step when just found out
♂ 42796
Member # 42796
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last weekend my wife claimed to leave town to help a girlfriend. But I have evidence she actually went to another state to meet up with another man. I also know who the man is as we were friends with this couple before they moved away. My wife does not know I suspect. What is the best first step? Should I try to gather more evidence? Should I confront my wife privately? Should I expose her infidelity? I have waited to do anything in order for my initial emotions to calm down and avoid doing anything rash I would later regret. But now I just feel paralyzed.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How solid is the 'evidence'?

Are you ready to go to the mat with it?

Is she flatly denies it. Are you confident in what you know?

What do you want to happen?

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You must have undeniable evidence.

It will be - but we are just friends.

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 58 Dday 03/2011
Cheater -58 Married 26 yrs
DD - 23 DD -21 DS-19
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA- another married ho-worker- D

Posts: 1439 | Registered: Mar 2003
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taken a pause to consider was smart.But you must act and you must prepare emotionally/mentally yourself as much as you can-it is going to get worse. Don't wait too long in this kind of ghastly paralysis where you must pretend you don't know. But more evidence is better, (and documentation) you may learn more in the evidence gathering that you need to know.Be cognizant of your finances -who owns what and how.
At some point, I do think you (not that you are guilty) and she both need STD tests at your docs.
Be prepared for all kind of evasions and know what you want, full explanation, no contact.
I am sorry you find yourself here,it is bad,will get worse and you will survive and live in truth

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here with the bad news. Your first step depends on a couple of things that only you can decide because there are people here who have tried all different approaches, some successful and some not. But one thing you should NOT do right now is try to figure out what you did or did not do to cause this. You did not lie to your wife and go screw another woman.
If the evidence you have is something that is totally undeniable then I would recommend you confront immediately because if you do not, then this is going to play on your mind 24/7 and cause you more pain. If this is the first time this has occurred, by confronting immediately you may stop it in its tracks before she gets more emotionally involved than she already is. You can count on one thing. If she thinks she got away with it, it will most likely happen again. So how many sets of evidence do you need. Is it ok if she does it twice, or three times if that is not the case already. How does the evidence change her actions by having it in greater quantity.
If you confront a lot of shit can happen and you wi get great advice from people here that you should follow. I recommend you listen to them.
The details of my story are not important. But I wish I had found out a out it early and had a chance to blow it all up big time before it got to the point that the decision to throw her out was simple.
Good luck. Hang in there

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found us when you needed us. The pause was great and allowed you to make decisions on how best to proceed.

As the others have said, if your evidence is solid I would plan to confront. However, if you can get more evidence quickly (like from computer, facebook, etc) I would do it. It will disappear as soon as you confront. Put copies up in a secure place that she has no access to.

In the confrontation, have certain clear expectations and outcomes. No contact of ANY sort, failure to abide results in XXX; Full disclosure to all electronics/accounts etc...failure to abide results in XX; You get the point. However, you MUST be ready to follow through on XX what ever you decide that will be. Failure to do that will result in continued problems.

You do not have to make final decisions regarding reconciliation or divorce now. Take your time and let her actions help you decide how to proceed. She will show you by her behavior. Expect her to DENY, and do the just friends talk.

As far as exposure. I would expose to the OM betrayed spouse. If you put light on it, it helps to stop it. I would be very careful in exposing to others. If you reconcile, then others are aware of the situation and can result in some bad relationships or situations. I chose not to expose to family unless we moved to divorce. We didn't and I am glad I didn't involve them in this.

I am sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of good information and support on this forum. Keep posting!

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How solid is this evidence that she did go to another state to meet a man.

If it is not very solid proof, she will lie her way out of it. If this is an affair, she will be more careful in the future.

Of course the hard part is you probably have good proof she went to a different state than she said she was going to, and that is bad enough.

Get as much proof as you can. Was this an airlines, get a copy of the reservation that proves she went to a different place.

Call the gf that she said she was going to help, ask for your wife. What the heck is her friend going to say when your wife isnt there.

Think of all the ways your wife can lie out of what you know and try to find ways to stop her from being able to lie out of anything you know about.

Posts: 7391 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: USA
♂ 33212
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I would do.

I would ask you to think how good your evidence is.

If you gave it to the Other Man's Wife would she believe you that her husband and your wife are having an Affair.

If the answer is yes do not confront your wife.

Copy your evidence and keep it in a safe place. Then tell your wife you need to go out of town for a day.

Go see the OMW and give her the evidence.

Then go home.

And watch your wifes reaction when the OM or his wife contacts her.

If she is remorseful then you need to lay down strict boundaries and rules of where your marriage proceeds from here.

If she is brazen then notify her family about the affair and ask them for their support as you two work through her infidelity.

If your evidence will not pass muster then stay quiet and collect more.

Get what you need and rock your wifes world to her foundations. She needs to know you are smarter than her and she has made a very bad decision.


Posts: 1971 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drink water.

Eat something.

Read the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

You don't need enough evidence for a court of law, unless you think you'll end up there and it's to your advantage. You need enough evidence to convince yourself beyond reasonable doubt.

Don't decide on R or D (Reconciliation or Divorce) today. You don't need to decide today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. And frankly, you probably aren't emotionally stable enough to make life-changing decisions.

How she reacts to the confrontation is important data. If she stonewalls, lies, gaslights, blameshifts, or trickle truths, you are in for a long, hard way to go.

Of course, you are in for a long, hard way to go in any event, but some are longer than others.

Remember that your marriage is important, but your marriage depends on a healthy you. Self-care is vital.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5704 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have proof and know for sure that she has done this, then you need to take steps to protect yourself. If this clown she met up with is still married his wife needs to know as well.

The immediate things to do to protect yourself and your kids:
1. See a lawyer, and find out what your rights are, her obligations, and how this would play out should you need to D. Not knowing can paralyze you with fear, and thinking you know can cause you to make bad decisions based on assumptions.

2. Decide what you want, and if you want to R then you need to figure out what you need from her to make that happen.

3. Sleep and eat, and if you are struggling to do those things see your Dr, and let them know what is going on in your life. A little pharmaceutical support can help you keep balance a little better. Sleep deprivation makes us less able to think clearly, and make good sound choices, and also makes us more prone to being emotional. (This is for men and women alike, and there are plenty of studies that show this).

Know that your situation is unique to you, but that most A's have some very common truths, that carry through one situation to the next, to the next and the next. So know that when we offer advice we have either BTDT (been there done that) or seen it happen to others. We really want to help you minimize your pain, and heal.

Lastly know that no matter what happens and how this plays out you will become stronger, smarter, and even better as a person because of it. Keep reading, keep posting.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13172 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♂ 42813
Member # 42813
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out yesterday that my Wife is cheating on me. I did have very good evidence. I confronted her right away and she confessed. Since then life has been hell. I don't say that to scare you but only when it's out in the open can we all move forward, where ever forward is, right now i have no idea. I have a spent all day reading here and have found some good advice i think. I'm sorry your here, but having people to talk to and get advice from is good. Best Wishes.

BS(me)- 33
WW - 33
2 Kids. 4,8
M: April 2004
D-Day: 3/16/2014

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 42664
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You must let his wife know what she is up against.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
♂ 4504
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start by reading and thinking hard about the "180" rules - they provide good guidance on how to act during this horrible time.

Get your support network together - a therapist, friends, a lawyer to consult.

You must be strong - and calm. Anger is your enemy.

You need to confront her - and you need to tell the other guy's wife about the affair.

You cannot and should not try to figure it all out right away - you should not demand a divorce, decide to reconcile, leave the house.....

What you need is a few months of calm while you heal and decide what you want to do.

She has to go complete no contact - and tell you everything give you complete access to all computers and phones - or she has to leave the home. (do not let her fantasize that you will quietly go away while she gets to replace you with the scumbag.)

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2540 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have ahead of you a rough and tough journey. You do however have one major advantage over your wife and over most others that are in your situation: You have access to us.

However… No matter what you do and decide all we can do is guide. And a lot of what we will suggest will sound extremely counterproductive…

We have way too many posters that come here, post once and then flee. Our advice tends to be direct, sound harsh BUT IT’S TRUE! So please… It’s been 2 days from your first post… Please confirm you are still here and we will get behind you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 7032 | Registered: Sep 2005
♂ 24195
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger is correct, Rook- this place is an advantage for you, sometimes what you are advised seems counter intuitive, it will be a hard road.

Please listen, though. The collective wisdom from here is golden for you in this process. I wish I had listened to the collective wisdom and I bet I am not the only one on here to say that.

You will survive. Stay as cool as possible. Eat. Stay hydrated. Try and sleep.

Check in here. Often.

It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.

Posts: 1071 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Intermountain West
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to be here. It is very paralyzing. What it all means and all the things affected can be very overwhelming. This is a normal reaction.

Positive action will help you move past this. Please come back so we can help. If you can't post please read the healing library and read the threads in different forums to see what you are facing.

Knowledge is power.

DD-March 2010

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the perfect 1st have remained calm and found a private outlet. You must look for more evidence. Call logs, texts, phone and expense records. There is a chance when approached she will be remorseful and truthful, but you can never plan on that being the case.

Exposure is up to you, if you are going to work on it, keep it to a minimum to avoid the fallout because it wont only hurt her, as many people have lost good connections with friends and family by outting the affair.

Do your best to keep calm and decide what you want. At the end of the day regardless of what you do, how you do it, be sure you can look and the mirror and be happy with yourself. You are independent of others actions, so be sure to keep control of the only thing you ever really can in life,yourself!

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Patience is your friend right now.
You need evidence, all you can find, before you confront and then expose the to affair to the OM wife.
Phone records, texts, emails should be copied, computers searched for photos, etc. You want to know the extent of it before you make you move. Keyloggers came in handy in my day.
Example, I suspected something going on with my WW and a supervisor at her work. I had called and warned this guy a few years earlier about inappropriate behavior. Suspicions arouse again and I started investigating more. I put a keylogger on her computer, obtained passwords, and found a cd with a protected file on it. A few tries later it opened and revealed a list of every person they both had ever slept with, and notes!
On my WW side were a few I recognized as old high school boyfriends before we were married, I figured as much. There were seven, yeah seven, that were clearly after we had been married, including the guy at work that had a note after his name- 8 years. Fuck me! Be careful what you wish for.

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 2695 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 18

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