"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

stuckinthetunnel posted 3/16/2014 08:24 AM

I found this list and thought it was interesting...some of it was obvious but some was shocking to me. Really??? every 10-13 seconds someone gets divorced??? wow...

Nearly 70% of all married men and 60% of married women have had affairs. That’s two out of every three marriages.

Every ten to thirteen seconds someone gets divorced.

50% of women and 33% of men remain angry for ten years after a divorce.

Women have more trouble starting new relationships than divorced men do.

More than 90% of divorces in long-standing marriages involve infidelities some time during the marriage.

More than 50% may be involved in a current affair, yet only 25% cite an affair as an actual reason for divorce.

80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.

Over 75% who marry partners in an affair eventually divorce.

The divorce rate and ratio of infidelity are much higher among marriage partners in an affair.

The average affair lasts two to four years.

If an affair becomes public it is doomed.

If an affair replaces the marriage, it is subject to the same emotional stresses as the marriage but is twice as likely to fracture.

An affair prevents binding ties from being formed. Eventually it has nowhere to go. Sooner or later it will suffocate in secrecy.

Affairs die for the same reason as marriage, lack of intimacy.

nekorb posted 3/16/2014 09:53 AM

Interesting.

Although we here on SI have heard of plenty of AS that have gone public and then turned into marriages.

Where did you find this list?

Merlin posted 3/16/2014 09:58 AM

A lot of 'sometimes' ought be used here.

I regret my divorce. But there was no way I was going to accept her affair partner as part of our marriage.

As for affairs going public, I have seen way too many that did so with almost no consequences.

She is welcome to her scumbag. The kids and I are doing just fine thank you.

Sad in AZ posted 3/16/2014 11:00 AM

Be very careful of the information that you hang your hat on. It's very easy to lie with statistics.

What was the representative sampling that the percentage of affairs statistics was based on? 50 people? 100 people? 1000 people?

Also remember that not all divorces are the result of infidelity, and not all infidelity-affected marriages end in divorce.

I understand that you are trying to make sense of your situation, but don't get stuck on generalities.

crazynot posted 3/16/2014 11:52 AM

Lots of affairs end in marriages... and sometimes they are happier marriages than the ones they replaced. We have to move on.

littleflower posted 3/16/2014 13:44 PM

@ Sad in AZ

50 % of statistics are made up :)

ButterflyGirl posted 3/16/2014 13:58 PM

One of my favorite lines from the Naked Gun: "Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that."

I'm not sure about the going public stats or the ones about the affair replacing the marriage. He absolutely replaced our family with her and her kid, and everyone knows. They both replaced their spouses, and are still going strong a year later. As they are both estranged from family and friends, I think they are likely to work harder at their relationship and put up with more crap from each other to justify what they did and because they have no one else to turn to..

I hope to get to indifference one day on whether he is with her or not, but truth is them breaking up would still warm my heart just a tad..

ChoosingHope posted 3/16/2014 18:23 PM

I've never, ever seen infidelity stats like that. It's usually a little higher than 20 percent. I just googled it. Still around 21-22 percent except for one recent study in which 33 percent of men admitted to cheating.

Seventy percent is ridiculously wrong as far as I can tell.

Caretaker1 posted 3/16/2014 20:07 PM

Yes we have to move on and they work harder in their second marriages. Their second marriages may work for years as ours did. I have my life to live and I'm a statistic now. I have acquaintances however that have tried to blend families. It's really hard especially when both have kids and visitation schedules to balance etc. I can see why the statistics are high.

phmh posted 3/16/2014 20:12 PM

We discussed these stats a few months ago -- specifically the one stating that 80% of people who divorced during the affair regretted it.

My thought was maybe 80% of WSs who divorced during the affair regretted it, but almost all of the BSs who responded (me included) had no regrets about divorcing!

I think it's really hard to get good info on this -- it's something that people try to hide, plus cheaters are liars anyway, so unlikely they tell the truth when it's about something shameful.

ButterflyGirl posted 3/16/2014 20:27 PM

I'm never regretting this divorce. No matter if he changes in the future, he was a complete ass during our marriage, and the affair was just the final straw. I tried to work on our other issues, MC, etc., but the affair was his problem, which I had no solutions for or control over, so I am completely done with that guy.

People are so diverse, everyone's different, experiences are different, so generalizations are extremely hard to believe or trust in. You never know what other factors come into play to affect the stats..

Linus1968 posted 3/17/2014 03:31 AM

I have to repeat with agreement, the BS must be the 80%, because I don't regret starting my divorce at all. I am not happy it happened or I have become a statistic, but it must be done. It is like any surgery, hurts like hell, but it has lasting benefits in the end and may even save your life.

ButterFlyGirl, I love both of your comments. The indifference will arrive at some point. I am there now. But, I will say, I may break a smile when it comes to an end.

As far as statistics, my WW affair 100% sucked and changed my life 100%. And I am 100% sure that I am not one of the 70% of married men who had an affair. I 99% don't care what happens to them, and 1% would love to see their fluffy-rainbow-colored-unicorn world falter. But, I am 100% moving on to the next charter of my life. I am 75% pissed off the WW had the affair, the OC and all that that came with the situation, and I am the one who has to file, but 25% love the fact I am showing the WW I have the strength to get it done, unlike her.

I am 98% done with this post.

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

Bobbi_sue posted 3/17/2014 04:53 AM

This is like every other such list that makes such claims. It is my opinion there are few if any reliable studies and statistics on any of the claims listed below, in modern times.

The only parts I will somewhat agree with are:

A lot of people cheat in their M whether Male or female, whether it results in D or not.

Some people who divorce during an A regret it. 80%, though??? I highly doubt that.

As for the statements made without statistical percentages, I would agree that they often or sometimes apply, but they are stated as fact.

The divorce rate and ratio of infidelity are much higher among marriage partners in an affair.

Maybe sometimes.

The average affair lasts two to four years.

I don't believe there are reliable stats on this and I think the "average" A is much shorter though of course some out there may have 20 year As or whatever. There are also a hell of lot of ONS going on which most of count as some sort of A.

If an affair becomes public it is doomed.

Then how is it possible some of our WS married the OW? (My first H did).

If an affair replaces the marriage, it is subject to the same emotional stresses as the marriage but is twice as likely to fracture.

Agreed except for the part of twice as likely to fracture. Seems logical and likely it is more apt to fracture, but twice as likely? I won't bank on that statistic either.

An affair prevents binding ties from being formed. Eventually it has nowhere to go. Sooner or later it will suffocate in secrecy.

Then how come some last 20 or more years, driving up that "average" length of As? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the statement is true in many cases.

Affairs die for the same reason as marriage, lack of intimacy.

Well, yes, but obviously there are plenty of other reasons they die as well, many of them all listed above.

stuckinthetunnel posted 3/17/2014 06:36 AM

Linus1968 you made me laugh!..i thought the majority of it was crap but thought the 50% of woman remain angry for 10 years after the divorce??!! LOL, great I only have 9 more to go..LOL!!

I know a woman who was having an affair and he left his wife for her. They got married, had a daughter and are still together...17 years later. And of course does not feel badly and justifies it at all cost.

crushed47 posted 3/17/2014 07:07 AM

I used to look at stats like this and wonder how could my exww still be married to loserboss after 1, 2 and now 3 years? After all, according to conventional wisdom/statistics their relationship is doomed, right? Regardless of the statistics, what is true for me is that I care less now, at three years, than I did at two years, and I cared less at two years than I did at 1 year, etc. Are they happy, will they make it? My guess is probably not. I read somewhere that "wrong relationships just don't turn into right relationships" - and I believe this to be true. In any case, it isn't my problem now.

sparkysable posted 3/17/2014 08:00 AM

I remember finding these similar statistics, like 10 years ago when I first joined SI. I'm not really buying it though. 70% of all married men have had affairs? That seems awfully high.

Tictac posted 3/17/2014 08:27 AM

My XWH left 4 years ago to be with his AP. As far as I know (no contact & I don't ask friends about him) they are still living happily together. He moved across the country, so doesn't see "our" friends all that often, but AFAIK most of them have happily accepted the OW as my replacement. I do not see friends anywhere near as often as I used to before D-Day.
I have no reason to believe he regrets anything, his affair certainly wasn't doomed by publicity & so far it seems to be happily ever after.

NikkiD posted 3/17/2014 08:38 AM

I think the reason they don’t last isn’t because it started as an affair. It’s because the same baggage was carried into it from the failed marriage. Its kinda like…as a runner, I can change coaches all I want. But if I carry the same defect (running flaw, mental handicap..etc), then I will have the same problem with getting better.

I actually want my STBX to make it work with SOMEBODY hell... this man hasnt been alone since he was 19 years old..now at 32..the shit is getting old. He really needs to sit down somewhere and figure out who the hell he is so he can truly know who he needs.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 8:39 AM, March 17th (Monday)]