SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Klove posted 3/16/2014 08:53 AM

Barged in again this morning.
Storms into the house and I come downstairs with "what are you doing here?"
In front of the kids "I can come to my house that I pay for whenever I want."
Guess my $75000 year salary counts for nothing...
Him: "I needed to get some stuff and I want to talk about the schedule for the next 2 weeks (that I had already sent him for approval/ammendments)"
Me: "you can text it to me please." And I head upstairs away from him.
Him: shouting "nope- I don't have time for that. We're going to talk about it now."
Following me up the stairs, he passes our 5 year old who says "Daddy, are you going to live at Uncles's house forever?"

Ok- rewind. 3 weeks ago when he moved out, he didn't want to tell the kids this was permanent. We decided to tell them Mom and Dad were taking a time out to not fight so much. They asked lots of questions about "how long" and we said honestly we didn't know. We said it might end up that Mom and Dad might live in different houses and the boys would each have their own room and stuff at each house. (Trying to play up the positives).

So- now going on 4th week and the boys have started to express "I hope Dad comes home soon, etc..."

So, my ds (5) asks him this while he is in his rage stomping around the house "Daddy- are you going to live at Uncles forever?"
He flippantly while storming by him spits "yes!..."
Fucccccck! My heart broke for my poor kiddo.
Then he says "I don't know..." And walks away from him to follow me upstairs. I was totally stunned. We talked briefly about the schedule with me being calm just to get him the hell out of the house.
As he was leaving he said "I do not understand why you've all of a sudden turned into such a bitch." Alluding to my 180 behaviour. Kids were upstairs at that point.

Then he left and I talked to both boys about their feelings what he had said about living away forever.

How do you express concern about how your WH is treating your kids without breeching 180?
I sent him this text. I know- it's tooooo wordy and it's already gone. So just help me get better at this. The first part is calmly refuting his stupid claim I'm keeping his kids from him when he wanted to show up and see them 15 mins before we were due to go out the door to do something.
The point of the 180 is to just be calm, positive, right? I suck at this. I'm trying to stand up for my kids and myself in a strong yet neutral way...
------------------------------------------------
WH
I have never and would never keep your kids from you because it would only hurt THEM. But our lives go on and for the most part you can see them whenever you want- but we had plans. I have happily ammended the schedule to accommodate you seeing them more- so I'm not keeping them from you. Period.

I would appreciate it if you would be more sensitive to what you say to the kids about our current situation. The boys actually talk to me quite a bit about their concerns because I make an effort to sit alone with each of them once a day or so and ask how they are feeling about the Mom/dad situation. Sometimes it's fine and nothing is said. Ds1 and Ds2 BOTH said last night "I hope Dad doesn't live at Uncle's forever..." I asked Ds1 if he was missing you or wanted to see you more. "It's not that, I just miss living with both my parents."

I'm certainly NOT telling you this to pressure you or get any kind of response about what will happen to us in the future- in fact I didn't plan on telling you at all.

But when you storm in here and your sweet child asks you that question and you spit out "yes" first and then "I don't know" without stopping for one second to TALK to him about his question...you are thinking only of yourself and not of them. I know this is hard and you have a lot of anger about...everything. Do not neglect your kids emotions in all this. I do get them at night and in the morning and I'm lucky to. Ds2 has had an increase in nightmares. And stomach-aches. Ds1 seems pretty far away at times. They will get through this- but they need absolute sensitivity from both parents.

When you storm in here to "get stuff" and go over the schedule with me in the mood you were in- they can sense your tension and anger. And then the tension it brings out in me. This was part of the point of this separation - to not subject them to this anymore. You are welcome to come to your home whenever you want. Please give me a courteous heads up before you barge in and do not come in so angry again. Civil. Please.

And as for my change of tone...it's not that I stopped caring, Wh. But you've made it very clear that I have to move forward. So that's all I'm trying to do. The pain you are causing me necessitates me detaching from you and making myself ready to move on to a better future with or without you.

Leia posted 3/16/2014 09:02 AM

The only advice I have is to change the locks. Hugs. It is no fun to have an STBX in your house. Well played. But I don't think he "gets it" or will "get it" about your kids' emotions. My STBXWH has no clue what he is doing to the kids. Hugs and hope this gets resolved so that you don't need to have him invading your space anymore.

Williesmom posted 3/16/2014 09:04 AM

((Klove)). Him coming and going as he pleases is a form of control. He absolutely needs to stop doing that.

Klove posted 3/16/2014 09:07 AM

We both still own the house and have not seen lawyers yet. In canada some websites I have read say I cannot change locks on the house. I can apply to exclusive use, but I haven't seen a lawyer yet.

Klove posted 3/16/2014 09:10 AM

But is my message to him too emotional? Not 180 enough?
I also just want it on record that I calmly defended my kids.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/16/2014 09:13 AM

Can you get a free consultation with a lawyer. It would help trememdously if you knew exactly what your position is legally. Knowledge is power.

ImEnoughForMe posted 3/16/2014 09:23 AM

I think your message was very clear and to the point. You kept it on topic. Not too wordy at all. Very civil.

I don't have too much experience with this as I'm new to what you are going through as well so I'm interested in seeing if this works for you.

They don't stop and think about the kids and that's what makes it harder for us.

((Hugs))

Klove posted 3/16/2014 09:25 AM

I have my lawyer appt on April 9th. I had one set for 3 weeks ago- but he begged me to postpone it because he was unsure of what he wanted to do. And because I was hoping to reconcile, I agreed.
How much things change in 3 short weeks.
I may be able to move it up- I was just hoping to avoid dropping $375+ an hour if he was going to come back. With a huge list of conditions from me.

I just do not understand why he is so ANGRY! Isn't this what he wanted? A week ago he said "I need you to stop texting me and chasing me and trying to track down where I am all the time. We are separated. When you text me you miss me and love me, I can't think this through. You are suffocating me. Please stop."
So- that is when I started 180 and he'a pissed! Wtf????

standingonmarble posted 3/16/2014 09:41 AM

instead of changing the locks can you add some in addition to the ones you already have?

Gotta love the loophole.

Klove posted 3/16/2014 09:45 AM

Can someone help me understand why he's so madddddd?
I mean- hard to understand crazy. But what's up with this? Isn't this what he wants?

Williesmom posted 3/16/2014 09:48 AM

He's mad because he is losing control of you. It was so much easier when you were begging him to reconcile or when you were still unaware of the affair.

He feels off kilter, so he's lashing out.

Merlin posted 3/16/2014 09:54 AM

You're 'not supposed to' change the locks. I did. Nothing bad happened even though she was/is a crazy person.

The idea of adding locks is a good one - as others have said, it's a usable loophole.

As to why he's angry - he's not in control any more. Sucks to be him.

Take care of you and your kids. He can take care of himself. If he gets crazier, go for a protection order.

badd posted 3/16/2014 10:46 AM

Your email was perfect, not emotional, to the point, made some boundaries for you and the children, put the reasons for the boundaries (including 180) where they belong, at his feet. Lose a Key, change the locks, put in double locks, and keep on forgetting to give him a key to the deadbolts. He can have a key to the knobs you made him proactively, but the deadbolts you "added as an afterthought" forget to make until a judge makes you do it. Good luck.

realitybites posted 3/16/2014 10:57 AM

This is sadly very typical, they get what they want yet they still want you weeping and crying and begging them for things. Backwards thinking but there you go. He wants you to miss him and be chasing him. Attention attention. Then he can put you down and put you in your place and tell you how rotten you are. He is being a bully.

Mine was furious after he moved out, the anger and rage was weird and sometimes scary. But I kept applying the 180 and NC, keep working on it. You will get better at it.

Keep saying "I will NOT be disrespected" "You got what you wanted when you moved out" "I will only talk about kids and finances" or always a classic when he spouts crap at you, calmly say "I am sorry you feel that way".

The trick is to keep things short and away from discussing feelings. Think of it like a business transaction only, like you are talking to a complete stranger.

After about a month, even though I was sad I found I was actually starting to feel better and stronger. And the kids noticed very much how the dysfunction was out of the house, it felt more calm when my then WS was not around. Thats what your kids need is to see one stable parent at the moment. Kids figure things out pretty quickly.

one2ndchance posted 3/16/2014 11:00 AM

He's mad because you've taken away his cake. He no longer has you groveling after him. He asked you to stop texting him how much you missed him because it made him feel guilty, but it still fed his ego when you did that.

I would move up your lawyer's appt. The way he's behaved this weekend is awful and will probably escalate since you are no longer feeding his ego.

PurpleRose posted 3/16/2014 11:07 AM

Ok, yes you are emotional. Who wouldnt be?

You email was too wordy and gives him too much power... So now you really do need to see a lawyer and have some legal boundaries in place. Trust me when I say you do not want him to just barge in whenever he gets a bug up his ass- but that is exactly what he will do.

Get exclusive use of your home and get a parenting plan in writing ASAP. He will continue to jerk you around because he can. The WS that is angry (and boy the doosh was angry) is mad at the loss of control, the loss of what they thought it was going to be...

So now he sees you as being strong and he doesnt like that. Too bad for him! I am still dealing with an angry person - and HE got what he wanted so WTF?? They should be on cloud 9 rigt??

Reality says otherwise, as you are learning. Deep breath, snuggle those babies, and get your stuff on paper. :)

nowiknow23 posted 3/16/2014 11:23 AM

It is absolutely a control. thing, honey. That's why he's mad, that's why he barged into the house without warning, that's why he forced the conversation about schedules...

And honestly? His reaction to your message is not going to be him seeing how wrong he was. He's not going to apologize and turn back into a civil person and a thoughtful and attentive Dad. It's far more likely that he's going to blow a bunch of hot air about how you can't tell him what to do, he doesn't HAVE to give notice to come to HIS house, blah blah blah. And he'll probably even attack your parenting as a bonus. Because that's the flipping script.

Honey - there is no magic combination of words that will make him actually SEE what he's doing or make him change how he's acting. Remember the detach acronym -

Don't
Even
Try
And
Change
Him

((((Klove))))

Can Not Believe posted 3/16/2014 11:29 AM

Klove

I would add interior locks to the inside of the house and use them whenever you are home - especially at night and in the mornings.

I would remind him of his own words:

"I need you to stop texting me and chasing me and trying to track down where I am all the time. We are separated. When you text me you miss me and love me, I can't think this through. You are suffocating me. Please stop."

Tell him that you can't just "barge in" on him - and you will exercise YOUR right to have him not just "barge in" on you.

You really need to start the legal process as soon as possible because he sounds like a 'out of control" bully. His behavior will more-than-likely escalate as he loses control of you.

The nicer or more accommodating you try to be will probably backfire on YOU. It will not work.

Get mad. Get PROACTIVE!!

After all - Isn't he showing you how mad he is?

Can Not Believe

CheshCat posted 3/16/2014 12:26 PM

This is why I own a maglite (d batteries) & SigP226 9m.

My ex breaks in, and he gets broken bones for his troubles. :D
At a minimum. I'm not actually exaggerating. His friends have stopped breaking in because I've clipped a couple of them. Maglites are serious business.

Granted... Your divorce will probably be much more amicable than mine... But there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Either he shapes up & starts respecting you and your space, OR you change the durn locks, file a restraining order, ring the police as needed, and fall back on carbon steel during slow response times.

Meaning this won't last forever.

You do NOT have to put up with this behavior.
It will NOT last forever.

>^..^<

ButterflyGirl posted 3/16/2014 12:53 PM

Stop asking "why" and answer the other questions. WHAT are you going to do about it? HOW are you going to handle this next time?

I've been dealing with this kind of craziness for over a year. I'm sorry, it hasn't changed for me. I sent him tons of emails and texts voicing my concerns and asking him to think of the children, and it hasn't meant shit. He's mad I'm not the codependent doormat I used to be, but I don't give a shit.

Protect yourself and your kiddos. Get to your lawyer ASAP and keep the local police as a saved contact in your phone. They are there to keep the peace and protect the children. After he continued bashing me in front of the kids, I have NEVER hesitated to call them.