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Biggest regret?

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DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 3/16/2014 09:17 AM

In my current 7 year relationship, I have NEVER ONCE cheated verbally emotionally or sexually. Anytime I feel someone may have interest I make a POINT to let them know I am not just taken, but HAPPILY taken. Anybody around me knows that this relationship is exactly where I want to be!

However I was not always the picture perfect loyal woman I am today. Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this thing Id done that disgust me.

When I was 18 I cheated on an ex, and with his friend at that. Not only that but this ex was my "first", for everything. I know your not supposed to justify but my thinking at the time was, well young. I met him (my ex) when I'd just turned 16. I had just got that little bit of freedom and boom, I was in my first "serious" relationship. At 16 was also the first time a man had ever put his hands on me. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive. I moved away from my hometown, down here to florida with him. While down here I'd found out he cheated on me with my 2 "bestfriends", and he continued to put his hands on me. I remember one time he choked me so hard I had 3 finger marked bruises on the side of my neck. Well, he went to jail for 2 months. I for the first time as an adult was experiencing freedom. After about a month, I realized I really liked it. I was not interested in my relationship anymore. I ended up hanging out with some of the friends we had made here in florida. I was eventually told by his friend how I "deserved better" and how much he had cheated on me and blah blah blah. I fell for the shit, I let this person in. So after a couple weeks his friend and I became physically involved. Mind you, this was the second man id ever been with. I never just slept around and so I became very attached to this person. I wanted a relationship with him. It was him that kept telling me how much better I deserve and what a good person I was. My ex got out of jail and after a week I told him the truth. We decided to try to work it out but I knew I didnt really want to.

About another month later my ex and I finally broke up. I of course looked to this OM for security. As a now single woman this fling started again. I asked OM (who was 27 compared to my 18) why he wouldnt date me. His excuse was that i was "to good of a woman and he knew he wouldnt treat me right." My dumbass believed it, but then about a week later he had a girlfriend! I should have known then that I didnt mean anything to him but another notch on his belt but I have to admit, I still didnt see it. I decided though to cut it off. I did have respect for this new girl in his life. One thing I have never been is option 2. I could never see being an "OW". Id realized how stupid id made myself look. No matter what he'd done to me or how much I tried to justify it, it was wrong. I learned very quickly that Id hurt myself. If I was unhappy I should have just left. Now, my ex instead of saying what a great woman I was, can say what a terrible person I was. I could have left with my head held high and the best revenge of all, him losing a "good woman".

About two years later when I met my current fiance, I told him about what I had done. I knew I learned from it and felt I had nothing to hide. He however has used this against me so many times. He has expressed sympathy for my ex but never expressed any for me and the things I endured during those years. I understand what I did was wrong but I hate the fact that it has followed me into this relationship. No matter how loyal and honest I am now, it sucks that I once too was a Wgf. I still feel terrible about it. Im embarrased to write this, but I figure I cant be alone. I may be a wonderful woman now but im sure weve all been lost at a time in our lives. I am glad however that I learned this lesson with someone before I met my fiance. I never loved my ex the way I love my fws. Im sorry that I hurt him but im happy ive never hurt my fws. I just wish Id never done it period.

Anyone else have regrets related to relationships or feel ashamed of something?

Churchill posted 3/16/2014 09:34 AM

We all have done things we are not proud of. They key is learning from your mistakes, and not repeating them. You seem to have learned from yours.

However, don't think that others will have learned the same lessons that you have. I know a man who had a failed first marriage mostly because of the mistakes he made. When he remarried, he was a perfect husband, and tried to do everything right. But the new wife wasn't on the same page and she left him, for her own reasons.

I guess the most important thing in relationships is commitment to making it work. I hope the best for you.

philly172 posted 3/16/2014 09:51 AM

In the theme of your topic, my biggest regret is I was the OW with WH.. Oh I can try to justify it 7 ways till Sunday ... "He was only engaged", "we were only seeing each other a week before he ended it with her " "I was going to end it with him if he didn't break up with her " yada yada yada but still he cheated & *I* allowed it to go on & at that time was looking out only for my happiness.. Yes, I felt horrible for his fiancée but I still did nothing to end the relationship & if I'm being totally honest.. I flirted constantly with him for months before we started anything...
Just typing that makes me feel ill

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 3/16/2014 11:11 AM

Just typing that makes me feel ill

I know, I almost regret it. I cant sit on here and act like im perfect though. The great thing is I learned EARLY in my adult life a lesson some dont learn until theyre married 10 years. Im thankful for that. I know exactly what it takes now to be a loyal, respectful woman.

Kelany posted 3/16/2014 12:00 PM

Before I got married, I was not a good person. I had one long term relationship that started in highschool. When I was 17 I cheated on him one night to get back at him for cheating on me. He then much later cheated on me again with a very close friend. We split up when I was 20.

I was an AP when I was 21 and I knew it. 3 hook ups. Even worse his wife was pregnant and I knew it, but fell for his sexless marriage stuff.

I met and married my husband when I was 23. I was young, daddy issues, just wanted to be loved. I've never cheated on him. But I feel his cheating on me is karma for my actions early in my life and it's kicking my ass hard.

Even worse, I started coping by drinking and within a year and a half became an alcoholic/binge drinker. Went to a psych hospital to detox and get therapy and have been sober 7 weeks.

whiteflower99 posted 3/16/2014 12:27 PM

I put my WH's interests ahead of everyone and everything. I would have killed to stay together. I took advantage of my mother to facilitate his lifestyle.
I hope she can forgive me.

Holly-Isis posted 3/16/2014 13:00 PM

This is the only relationship I've ever been in. I have more regrets than I have peace.

k94ever posted 3/16/2014 13:23 PM

That I married FWS.


DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 3/16/2014 13:28 PM

Congrats Kelany! Keep up the good fight!


looking forward posted 3/16/2014 14:31 PM

for my H; marrying me!

for me: accepting the first ride to university with his bf back in 1969

brokendancer7 posted 3/16/2014 18:32 PM

Going straight from my parents' home to marriage, with only a couple of semesters in the dorm to enjoy living on my own.

Only having sex with one person, who turned out to be a cheater who now wants to R.

Putting myself second in most every way in the M, and allowing my husband to treat me not like a person, but more like a maid, counselor, mommy figure.

Not kicking H out after his first A, so that by now I could have a new life that I chose, instead of going through this hell again.

lilacs40 posted 3/16/2014 19:11 PM

I too am sad to say that I was the OW when I was 18. The relationship lasted far longer than it should and I have regretted almost every day since it happened. When I think about it, it makes me hang my head in shame. I wish I could go to the BGF (now wife I believe) and beg her forgiveness.

It was the single worst thing I have ever done in my life. And, I feel that my WH is my punishment.

Deanna posted 3/16/2014 20:01 PM

I was a OW for one night. We went out on a date and kissed. I feel that karma came back to bite me in the ass. Worst part is the OW knew about this. I am sure she used it to justify.
I feel I deserve what I got.

[This message edited by Deanna at 8:04 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Dark Inertia posted 3/16/2014 20:53 PM

I should have never married my ex. We should have never stayed together for as long as we did. I regret going forward in a marriage when everything inside me was screaming to run. But what can you do? Water under the bridge, now, but I still wasted a lot of time.

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