It's so long, but I want to explain it the best I possibly can. If it's too long to post in this forum, I can try a shorter post.
WS and OW were coworkers at work. Their friendship and work relationship began in 2005. February, 2012 I learned of an affair between OW and my WS after seeing an instant message on Google chat between OW and WS which said “xoxoxoxo.” I saw it, because it was in an open chat window when I went to use the computer and I read it.
I asked WS about it, he said it was harmless flirting. That day I looked at WS google IM, as the chat window was open. I found that he had turned all of his chats with OW to off the record, which means the conversation will not be saved and there will be no record of it.
I further looked into it and found WS had saved some of the messages, which were of a romantic nature and both OW and WS making plans and expressing their feeling for each other which stretched back for several years. The messages were also in email form.
I called WS at work to ask him about the relationship and he denied having a romantic relationship with OW. I then told him that I saw the instant messages and emails and I know what is going on. (He works 5 minutes from our home and refused to come home to face me in person)
At first he said it was a one-time occurrence and she had given him a blow job. Upon further gentle respectful prodding he admitted that he had had sex with her once while drunk. (I know he is not telling the truth, because the emails and instant messages between WS and OW stretched back months and years.)
I did not save the emails or instant messages because I was in shock, and by the time I thought to save them that day, WS had deleted all the email and messages between himself and OW.
WS did not come home to talk to me about it that day, choosing to use the phone, even though he works 5 minutes from our home and could have come home for lunch. He chose to let me handle this all by myself.
Upon arriving home, he told me to “Let him have it” which I refused to do. When our Autistic son went to sleep we talked about it I asked him if he was in love with her and he said no.
WS said “I am sorry your feelings got hurt, but I am not sorry I had a relationship with her. I did what I had to do at the time. I was not going to wait around forever.”
WS said the entire relationship had occurred during the time I had asked for a possible divorce. After 1 month, we decided to stay together and not get divorced.
However, he continued the relationship with her, flirting and communications and seeing her, which is why I saw the Instant message months after we decided to stop any divorce plans and to try our best to repair this marriage and make it work for both of us.
I then asked him what the relationship is because I did not understand what it is and he did not want to talk about that with me, saying “I (he) would not want to know.”
Well, I truly needed to know, and that aspect of it has not been resolved. I have attempted to bring it up several times, and WS has refused to open up about it. (He has since let me in on a few things. He admitted to “going out with her a few times”.)
After talking to WS, I decided to “Throw it away” meaning I just wanted to forget WS’s relationship with OW ever happened and forgive him and move on with WS. Forgetting was just easier than dealing with it.
And partly because WS became angry andmade me feel guilty by bringing up our sexual and marital issues for full justification of the relationship and the sexual relationship he had with her. He said he was justified in sleeping with her. I asked WS to end the relationship and WS said he would end the relationship.
My feelings at the time were: This situation will make us stronger and I am going to give this all I have because I don’t want to lose him. I need to do my best to earn him back, so he does not cheat on me again.
So I made sure to have sex with him at least once a day, partly to make him happy, and partly because I need to feel desired and have him be hungry for me, instead of OW. (Hysterical bonding) I thought if I kissed his ass and buried my feelings about it, it would go away. It did not go away.
Soon after I had asked WS to end the friendship, I noticed that OW’s phone number was still on his contacts phone dial list. I also noticed that he did not delete her off his email and IM list. Instead of formally ending the friendship, he changed her name on the phone contact list to hide the relationship. She was also continuing to instant message him.
I asked him why he had not ended the friendship and he said he “Did not want to have any drama with her.” And "I ended it by not talking to her anymore and I will NOT call her to break up because I already did by not contacting her."
WS continues his deceits to this day. He goes out with the guys from work, and on more than one occasion does not call me to let me know he will be going out and when he will be home or what he is doing.
I make dinner each night and on nights that he goes out without telling me, the dinner goes cold and our son and I eat alone. This happens way more than I can handle. It affects our son too, because he never knows when Daddy will be home and I have to make excuses for WS, to protect my son.
WS also goes to bars nearly every day for lunch and drinks with his friends and flirts with the waitresses.
On many occassions, WS texts me “My boss has me cornered. I will be home later"
When I asked WS about it when he got home, he said he was drinking with his coworkers. So where was WS and what was he doing truly? I cannot be sure, because I cannot trust him.
September 5, at 6:58 pm texted me with: Lost track of time, leaving now.” Then at 7:30 pm texted me with: “Boss wont stop sorry.” When I confronted him he admitted he was out drinking with his friends. There are many other instances during the time when the relationship with OW was occurring that he did not come home until 8 or 9pm and did not call or text me to let me know he was going to be home or where he was.
He knew I would stay at home because I care for our autistic son and he had all the privacy he needed(s) to make an affair(s) happen. He used me as his babysitter so he could (Can) go out with her(s). Also, He often went out with her and coworkers to bars, without inviting me or telling me where he is. When I asked to go with him, he says “We are out talking about work, it would bore you.”
To be honest, I felt something was really wrong and the possibility of a relationship was there. I knew they had feelings for each other and had a caring friendship. Even on linkedin.com WS mentioned what a great coworker she is in a recommendation. I think they love(ed) each other from the way he cared for her and the things he did for her that he was not doing with me. (Which I can provide examples of.) but I would/could not do anything about it at the time, because my son is autistic and his needs came first, and also I was isolated and very sad and heartbroken.
WS took advantage of the fact that I would always be home to care for our special needs son and knew I was so sad and vulnerable that he could do whatever he wanted to do for himself and I could not stick up for myself.
I am not sure where to put this but I wanted to make note of it: Here is his recommendation of her on Linkedin.com: “OW is a dedicated employee, conscientious and hard worker with an awesome ability to retain information. OW is trustworthy and loyal and someone I greatly admire professionally and personally. OW is a GREAT resource person, mentor and friend.”
I know they care about each other to this day, because if he did not care for her, he would not be protecting her, and he would have formally ended the friendship, instead continuing to hide her from me.
We has gone to therapy for about a year after, but he goes in smelling of beer and without anything to talk about. He will not do the homework the therapist asks of him nor will he take the medication his Dr. prescribed to him.
We stopped going to therapy in November, 2013 when I found eyeliner in his cup holder in his car while we were on a very rare date. He yelled at me, said he has no idea where it came from and accused me of possibly planting it. This was not my eyeliner, and it's a $20 Urban Decay pencil. Women Don't just lose a $20 eye pencil.
That is where we are . This is where I am right now. I am hurting on so many levels. The pain of living with this is suffocating me. I don’t sleep well at night and wake up in the middle of the night crying, and unable to go back to sleep for an hour or so. I am constantly lashing out at WS and am unable to be myself in this relationship or as a person. This WS’ affair with OW is also affecting our son. He may be somewhat aware of the affair, I am not sure, but is aware WS and I are having issues and our arguments scare the shit out of him on many levels. WS short-changes me...but what really gets me is that he short changes our son. That's just fucking unacceptable! I don’t know if we can recover from this. I am devastated and life is consumed by rage, despair, sadness and anger, and I am suffering from very low self-esteem. He will not leave the house if I ask for a devorve and our special needs son requires much care. He is in school from 8:15 am until 1:30 pm. I would not make enough money to support myself and Denver if I had to on my own, working part time. But I am doing a bunch of homework to see what I can do to get our son and myself out.
Ideally I would like to repair this relationship, but with WS’ continued deceit and lack of support and respect on this issue, it’s something I will have to walk away from because I can’t and won’t continue to live with the anger, self-loathing and deep sorrow, this has caused. (I feel about 100 different ways throughout the day, every day.) WS has also said “You can’t hold this over my head forever.”
[This message edited by ChinaCat at 4:04 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]
First of all, thank you so very much for reading my posting. It was a long one and I appreciate your patience and kindness.
I just found this group and I wish I had found it sooner. I have been on an island by myself without support of a community who understand and can help me to get healthy and strong.
Yes, I do know that there is no way in heck that man will ever change and his set up is perfect right now.
I am seeing a counselor and also saving money and taking steps to get myself and my son out of this.
When I feel really angry I remember:
I am from Boston, and like Big Papi (David Ortiz) said after the tragic bombings "This is our fucking city"
Well you know what? "This is MY fucking life!"
I am scared beyond scared, but I know I have to do this. I am working on it.
I am so sorry you are here, but happy you found SI. There is a wealth of support and help for you here. Sundays can be slow, but keep reading and posting.
First, go to the Healing Library (yellow box on top left of the page) and start reading. Then read some more. I highly recommend reading about the 180 and the article/interview with Dr. Shirley Glass who wrote "Not Just Friends" (a book I urge you to go out and get).
Right now you are trapped and isolated. Do you have any friends, family in whom you can confide? Can you find care for your son so your WH can't keep you trapped (since he doesn't seem to be willing to be a father)? Find a counselor for YOU who can help you deal with this emotionally. Think, too, about outing the A to OW's spouse. Nothing sends cockroaches scurrying for cover faster than shining a spotlight on them.
Finally, get thee to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Whatever your WH might have been before the A, he is now a manipulative, lying, cruel, sadistic, drunken weasel. Take back YOUR power for you and your son.
But that's just my opinion. I'm in the midwest, too, so if you'd like me to come there & make faces at him, I'd be happy to. If not, I'll just make a little doll and stick pins in him.
Hold on, ChinaCat. There is help. There is hope. We're here.
Imagine a good girlfriend of yours giving you that exact story. What would you recommend? Or better yet, if you had a daughter who was in a relationship like yours, what would you advise?
I think that you know the answer.
The bottom line is that (1) you have an unremorseful, lying, cheating husband...and (2) you can NOT fix your marriage by yourself. You can't fix him, no matter how hard you try. And as scared, depressed, hurt, and frustrated as you are....because you didn't ask for any of this....it will ultimately have to be you that will get yourself out of this toxic situation.
You have much more power than you currently believe. Yes, you are in shock, and reeling, but once you start to take back control of your life, you will be amazed at what you can do. And the first step in this process is to stop devaluing yourself. You are worth much more than this, and should not accept anything less. Once you get past the fears---fears of losing your marriage, fears of supporting yourself and your son, and especially fears of the unknown---you will take huge strides in your recovery.
Don't let divorce paralyze you with fear. You know as well as I do that living the rest of your life like you currently are is infinitely more miserable. You just need to take the first steps towards getting out of this situation.
---Call an attorney. There are several that will offer either a free or minimum cost for an initial consultation. ---Go into the yellow box in the top left corner, and click on The Healing Library. In the FAQs, look at question #11---pertaining to what is called the 180. It is a detachment tool that will help you put some emotional distance between you and your husband. Much of it may seem counterintuitive, and difficult to perform, but will help you beyond belief. ---He won't leave if you file? Fine. Move to another room in the house. If he isn't participating in a marriage, than don't treat him like he is. Don't cook, clean, do bills, or laundry for him. Take care of you and your child first. I have an autistic child, and know the work that comes with it.
He believes that he possesses all the power. He is the financial supporter. He has other woman "vying" over him, stroking his ego in the process. He has an attitude of entitlement.
I will let you in on a little secret---he has far less power than he imagines. And once you put your foot down, and no longer accept his wayward behavior, he will be in for a rude awakening. He will most likely get defiant and threatening, but it is crucial that you stay calm and collected---and not play his "game".
There is always a chance of reconciliation. But it only has a CHANCE with two fully committed partners. Once you distance yourself emotionally, you may not even want this marriage anymore. But what is key is that you get yourself to a state of mental strength, that you can make a clear decision whether to reconcile or divorce. That way, it will be your CHOICE...not something driven by fear.
Let's not put the cart before the horse. Your husband isn't anywhere near reconcilable material. That is why I strongly recommend that you follow a path towards divorce---because that is the only option that he is leaving you. You can't stay like you are. The divorce process can be stopped anywhere along the way. Believe me, there are many worse options. Go over to the Divorce/Separation Forum, and read the stories there. Many are forced to go this route, because their spouses remain unremorseful, and leave them no other option. Others are there because they learned as they gained back their individual strength, that they no longer want their marriage, even if their spouse is now trying. The bottom line is that you do have choices---you just have to value yourself enough to take them.
Please keep reading and posting. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help. You will discover just how textbook your WS's behavior is---I literally knew what you were going to write before I read it. That is how predictable some of their behaviors are. And we can show you how to counteract it.
Good luck moving forward. You are going to get through this okay. It is a tough process, but you have been left no choice to work through it personally. It is one of the most selfish things that our spouses can do to us. It affects us for life.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11 Heading for D
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words.
I wish I had found this group SO much sooner. And you are always welcome to make faces at him lol!
Have you seen a lawyer? Started setting money aside? You will certainly get CS, which will help financially. Do you have a good local support system?
It's an awful situation. He is not working on your M at all. And it takes two to get a M back on the tracks.
The sooner you exit this situation, the sooner you can start moving on and finding peace.
I'm sorry you're being treated like this. You sound like a wonderful om and your WH is beyond stupid not to see what he has in you. Start building up your self-esteem by focusing on the fact that your worth is innate in you and does not come from him.
((hugs))
Thank you so much for your post.
I am trying to do the 180 method. I started last night. You know what? I am already starting to feel SO much better.
I am moving into the home guest room and I am putting my home office in there too.
Today my son and I picked out a very economical queen mattress set together! It was so freeing and really fun! The salesman was a riot and reminded me of how fun Denver and I are to be around!
I used my negotiating skills to get the frame for free and have them deliver and set up the new and pick up the old completely shot mattress and box spring too :) I wish they would pick up my WS too! lol.
I have a sciatic nerve and this stress has made it so much more painful. I can not wait to sleep in a bed that is therapeutic and comfortable and nurturing! This has been such a long time coming and I shopped and shopped to find the best deal for exactly what my son and I wanted.
So Proud of myself today!
Glad you are feeling more in control. Sometimes we go one step back for every two forward...but you're still taking those steps darn it!
