SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Mrsmarsi3 posted 3/16/2014 11:16 AM

I found out(at least confirmed) on 03/06/14. Suspected for about 3 months. Proud of myself because I had even guessed the correct person. His employee at work. The same age as his adult daughter. Denies any sex took place but admits kissing her twice. Whatever. 16 pictures on his cell but he managed to deleted all but 7, those ones were just of stupid cartoon crap. 2800 texts back and forth in 1 month, and countless long phone conversations(thank you detailed billing) He says nothing would have ever happened he just liked the attention she gave him. My issue now is why can't he just admit it was sexual. There is no way I can feel and lower but I can not heal until he comes completely clean.

Breezy150 posted 3/16/2014 14:58 PM

They all minimize in the beginning, my WH went from a few weeks of a PA(physical affair) to a year long very involved affair. He said at the beginning he told a little because he thought at least that is confessing, she doesn't need to know every detail. He thought confessing to a kiss was the same as confessing to a year if sex.

Read in the healing library in the upper left corner (yellow box) it is a gold mine of information. Make sure you take care of yourself physically.

I am sorry to say that your roller coaster ride is just beginning. Post here often and get all the support you need from here. You should also set up some real life support, do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to about this?

One last thing, probably the most important thing, no matter what he says none of the A (affair) is your fault, he don't do it because his marriage was bad or because you were mean, he did it because something is broken in him. Only he can fix himself.

(((Hugs))) to you, sorry you going through this.

norabird posted 3/16/2014 15:03 PM

He is going to need to acknowledge that needing this external validation is a big issue and something he has to fix.

Watch his actions--does he attack you for asking questions? Want you to get over it? Deny anything serious sexual happened and get angry if you don't believe him? Those are huge red flags.

We were not born yesterday and he has to be willing to acknowledge the full extent. He also has to show you total transparency on his phone, email etc. insisting on privacy is a no-go.

Good luck honey.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:10 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

LivingLearning posted 3/16/2014 16:11 PM

(((Mrsmarsi3)))

Do check out the healing library. They have a lot of good information. Check out articles on the fog and rugsweeping and what the WS needs to do to help the BS heal. They put into words some of the things much better than I could.

I am a year + out and it is still hard for WS to understand that telling me the truth rather than rugsweeping is far better. Some days I still think he doesn't get it. This is one of the hardest things to get WSs to understand. It took 3 timelines to finally get things straight. A big set back for us was that a certain family member told him not to tell me everything, it would just make it worse. Which is absolutely not true. I needed to know everything in order to help the hamster wheel (or endless mind turning) as I call it.

Stay strong! You can get through this!