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Still reeling

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Smithereens posted 3/16/2014 11:35 AM

A friend of DH's always made me suspicious. She was friendly to me but she had NO boundaries. DH had surgery, and she camped out in his hospital room for days. The staff seemed to think SHE was the wife. Worse, he didn't make her leave. I wondered... but everything seemed okay.

I found a text message around Thanksgiving in which she called him "lover" and I confronted him. He called her and bitched her out, and then told me she'd meant to send it to the person next in her contact list. I didn't believe it... but could prove nothing.

Then, on the morning of Valentine's Day, something told me to search his phone while he was in the shower. I found messages from her that were the same as the previous one, calling him "lover" and talking about taking a shower together. I confronted him, and he got mad at me for snooping. Of course, trying to deflect. I sat through that and waited, and he finally admitted to it. Said they have never had sex... it was all text/phone. I am unsure if I believe that, but it's plausible as she lives 150 miles away, and DH has no car.

He said he wanted to work it out, called her that night when I was home, with her on speaker, and told her not to contact him again. However, based on what he said... it was fishy to me.

Then on March 7, I had the day off work. At 7:45 a.m. (when I'd ordinarily be gone to work) she called him!! He bitched her out and hung up on her. But I found it mighty interesting that she called at a time she knew I'd be gone to work.

Then this past Friday, something told me to search his wallet. While he was in the shower, I did. I found a sticky note with a phone number on it, AND a sticky note with an email address and password on it which was Of course, I tried to get into the email account but the password didn't work. After the second try, it sent a password hint to her cell phone number.

I came home on Friday night, and confronted him. He said that it was old and had been in his wallet for quite some time and he'd forgotten about it. The phone number was his ex wife's number (we've had issues about her and he's not supposed to have ANY contact with her). SUPPOSEDLY that day that I found them, his friend showed up to pick him up and was cleaning out his wallet. DH decided to clean his out also, found the sticky notes, and threw them out and mentioned to his friend that I'd kill him if I ever found them.

I'm not sure what to believe. Since the email address sent a password hint to her, I'd be willing to bet she called him and he did some damage control by getting rid of the sticky notes. I think he's just going to get better at hiding his trail. Deleting call logs and text messages, and hiding things in other places.

He said he wants to work it out. He's willing to go to marriage counseling. But I don't know how sincere that is. I figure that if he really loved me, he wouldn't have done this in the first place.

I am going to make an appointment for our first session some time this week, for as soon as we can get in. I don't trust him, and this sort of thing has happened enough that I don't know if I ever CAN trust him again.

I alternate between being numb, wanting a hug from him, and being needy... or being furious at him AND at her (for pretending to be friendly to me to throw off suspicion).

Thanks for listening.

momentintime posted 3/16/2014 11:45 AM

Trust your "gut". Something isn't right, but how wrong it is will take more investigation. Do you have access to phone records, or is the phone in his name? Do you get a paper bill or is it all online? If paper get to it first. IF online and it is in both your names your can view this and previous months calls and history of texts.

If he wants to work it out, you need access to the phone bill. (He may also have a 2nd secret phone). Look for charger cord or hiding place for a 2nd phone. Check his vehicle.

Uncertainty is a horrible situation. You need answers. Don't let him deflect when you question the evidence you have found. The onus is on him. Don't get drawn into defending yourself. Let him know you have found a trail and you are following it. He can make it easy or hard but the truth will come out. Remember he is protecting himself, but at your expense.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:47 AM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Smithereens posted 3/16/2014 11:48 AM

He has no car for me to check.

The phone does not have a bill (it's a month to month) and does not have online access. It is paid every month at the store where it was purchased, with no "paper trail."

Last night I heard him say "Love you too babe" to someone on the phone. I asked him if he was sure it was [insert person] rather than his AP. He was pissed and showed me the phone, and it showed up as the correct person's name.

I'm really hoping marriage counseling will do some good. If not, I don't think we are going to survive.

hardtimesinlife posted 3/16/2014 13:30 PM

Welcome and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Who is he saying "Love you too Babe" to? He might have OW saved in his phone under that other name.

This is your life and your marriage. You have every right to demand the truth and snoop if you need to.

Smithereens posted 3/16/2014 13:34 PM

The context of the phone conversation (I heard his side of it) was about a problem a close friend of ours was having that day, and this person had called to give an update as to what was going on. I will likely look at the phone number just to be sure. Since the OW lives 150 miles away, I know her area code is different from ours.

norabird posted 3/16/2014 14:03 PM

You could try placing a VAR (voice activated recorder) in your house where you think he might speak with her. It sounds sneaky but you are feeling sort of stuck without info so it might help give you an answer. Of course if trust is gone that is sometimes the answer right there. Because rebuilding without trust and staying without it is pretty untenable.

brkn_heartd posted 3/16/2014 20:36 PM

Trust your gut. You know something is wrong. He has gone underground. He is better at hiding it and is trying to make you look foolish. Do not rely on the area code, she could get a phone number with your area code.

Look in the computer for the history. Watch his ACTIONS they will tell you the most. For him being upset that you looked at his phone, or asked about who he is talking to is a dead give away that he is still in the fog. He is not remorseful.

The only way you may be successful in him ending it with OW is to make him make a choice. You or transparency, etc. You do not have to make decisions now. I will tell you when I finally got my act together and asked for a divorce, he finally got it and started coming clean. Up till then, I was the crazy one. But I was also ready too.

The healing library has some good information.

Smithereens posted 3/16/2014 20:46 PM

Looking at the computer history wouldn't matter. It's my computer, my history... he barely knows where the power button is.

I contacted a marriage counselor to see if we can get an appointment for this week. We'll see JUST how serious he is.

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