Seeing a lawyer will help you get past the fear of finances. Alimony varies state by state but you have been together a long time so you may be in a better position than you realize. Knowledge is power and right now you could use some of that.
That said it may take time to know if you can reconcile, since initially the pain is overwhelming but if he proves he is trustworthy (transparency in all things) it may slowly improve. You will be in a better position if you can set up your boundaries though and show him consequences if they are crossed again. You have more power than you realize, you just have to find it within yourself.
One important thing to remember in the beginning is that you don't have to make any life changing decisions right now. Its hard in the beginning because one day you feel one way, and then next day you feel completely different!
What Norabird said is spot on -
You have more power than you realize, you just have to find it within yourself.
YES YES YES! Exactly!
Sending you some strength today!
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
I completely agree, contact and attorney. I phoned about 3 who all spoke with me and enlightened me on the laws of my State. The phone conversations were free.
My IC first bit of advice was that I should not make any decisions right away. Had I not listened to her I may have D my WH immediately.
She also told me that marriages do survive infidelity, which ours has but it was a horribly painful journey.
Have you been to IC?
Your post does not indicate that you and your H have actively dealt with his betrayal. You need to address the issues, they will not go away. How can you process what you do not know?
Yes, it's difficult but do not let fear, in any form, paralyze you.
Wishing you strength.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
It will take a long time for you to stop thinking about it and reliving everything you know and imagining what you dont know. I am 10 months out from D day and I still have days when I can think of nothing else and dont function at all well, but there are good days as well and I have to hope that eventually the good will outweigh the bad.
Keep reading and posting, you will find it helps as everyone here knows exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling.
Its good to know that I am not going mad and others have experienced what I am going through too.
H finally confessed as I knew something was wrong, and just kept pestering him until he spilled it all out. Maybe I should've screamed and ordered him out of my life then but he was really ill for a short while and I thought it best to let things lie until a better time. There is no good time, I know that now. He is trying to take me out more and turns his phone off at night now. The OW lives around 80 miles away but his obsession/hobby brings him into contact with her all through the spring and summer. He says he doesn't have to see her but I know they had deep feelings for each other - he told me so -and for her 'children' (21, 19 and 15). Their father left them earlier last year and it feels as though my H stepped in there and gave them lots of his time, money and affection. They were on the phone constantly to him even whilst I would be sat in the same room, pouring their hearts out to him. OW hasn't told her family of their intimacy - just that they had feelings. This seems unfair when our two sons (one emigrated last November) know it all and are hurt and shocked also. I feel so angry sometimes, but unable to move forward. I think I have to sit tight for now and find the strength to tell him I want to separate eventually - that's how I feel at the moment. He lied about me and insisted to everyone he spoke to that they had done nothing wrong and he would 'go to the wall' but then we could all get lost. So hurtful.The least thing about him irritates me and I wish he would understand what he's done and wonder how he can smile and be 'normal' when I am slipping further away from him daily. many thanks for your support, it is greatly appreciated.
He is trying to take me out more and turns his phone off at night now
she is 13 years younger than me and i have lost all my self esteem. am so unhappy but scared and even though he has hurt me i still care for him
You don't need to rush into making any decisions, just take some time and look at your options financially. Take some legal advice (you don't need to act on it just now but it might ease your burden to know exactly where you stand if you go down the D road).
Most importantly, take care of yourself. The emotional rollercoaster takes it's toll and it's important to keep hydrated and nourished. If you need to vent or you need a sounding board or a shoulder, we're here for you.
You are doing the right thing, sit tight get all your affairs in order, find out your entitlements and get stronger.
Your feelings for your husband are quite normal, over time these may change and you may be able to feel your love for him again.
Will he give up his hobbies to avoid contact with her, a huge part of any reconciliation is no contact.
It is very hard to forgive and impossible to forget, but if neither of you is in a rush to separate, then give yourself time to heal before taking any big steps, you will cope with whatever decision YOU make much better if you have healed a little from this devastation and put a bit of distance there.
Good luck keep reading and posting. (((((Hugs))))
1) Get yourself tested for STDs
2) Go to a lawyer to see your options.
3) If your husband threatens self-harm, then tell him you will simply call the police.
I am glad you are getting things sorted, it will be one less job if you do decide to Divorce.
I do know how difficult it is to get past what he has done and said, and the question of whether he would have told you or ended it if you hadn't found out is one that seems to stay with you, at 10 months out for me it is a little easier but a long way from no longer being an issue.
Please try not to let your family force an early decision from you, I know it must be difficult, but they don't know how it feels and you must be allowed to take whatever time you need. Try telling them that you appreciate their concern and you know it comes from love, but that it is a massive decision and you need time but that you will tell them as soon as you know yourself.
I can't help any more with that issue as I haven't told any family/friends and I decided straight away that I did want my marriage to continue (although there are times .....)
Hugs to you, take care