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Her stuff is gone

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MadeOfScars posted 3/16/2014 14:12 PM

The STBXWW, under the watchful eye of family standing in to represent my wishes (I could not be home for this) finally got the rest of her stuff. Most of the physical reminders are now mercifully gone. I never wanted any of this to happen, but since she has made the decision for me, I knew I couldn't continue to live in a home with all the crap she left behind. This is a good thing that this has happened, considering the situation.

So, why does it feel like another gut punch? I guess its another indicator of the reality and finality that is still hard to swallow. It hurts, plain and simple.

I know I continue to hold onto false hope. There was a tiny part of me that hoped maybe this would be the thing that would jolt her back into reality, that would snap her back to the woman I loved, not the one who is putting me through this. I know it's so dumb, but that hope still remains. I know I do not want the person she is now, but god do I miss who she was. I still miss us. That said, all of that is over now. It's as obvious as the reminders of our son she, once again, did not take, like he never happened. She is gone.

Time to keep moving on...

ButterflyGirl posted 3/16/2014 14:23 PM

Hugs to you.

I know it probably feels empty. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Start making it your own space, filling it with things you like, changing things around. The more memories you make, the further away the memories of her will be..

norabird posted 3/16/2014 14:26 PM

I am so sorry. Your reaction is totally normal. It's hard to have the reality of the situation brought even further home, made even more real and final. But it will be good for your healing to reclaim the space. I hope you are able to make some changes in the house that give you a sense of ownership of this new chapter, even though it was unasked for.

nowiknow23 posted 3/16/2014 14:28 PM

All those feelings are perfectly normal for what you're going through, SoulHurts. It takes time for your heart to catch up with what you know on an intellectual level. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

MadeOfScars posted 3/16/2014 14:40 PM

Thanks everyone.

I hope to not be here much longer, but in that time, yes, I will start making some changes It's the little things, like "well, I like that there, and she can't tell me otherwise now" that's a little empowering. I sure have a lot of extra space now too.

I did just find another bit of a gut punch. My FIL and I had a very good relationship. It wasn't unusual at all for us to talk to each other and/or hang out without it having anything to do with her. We both have the same favorite beer; just a similarity we had before we ever met each other.

Anyway, I knew it would be him that would be helping her move out. I left a 6 pack of Shiner Bock in the fridge for him. Keep in mind, he and I haven't talked since d-day, and our relationship aside, his daughter will certainly come first, and I get that. I told my mom and sis (who were here in my absence) that the 6 pack was for him assuming he didn't come in with any "attitude" or what not - My FIL, as much as I like him, can be very opinionated and abrasive at times, so I was a little nervous which version would show up. Like I've said before, i have no idea what story her family has gotten.

Well, I guess things were amicable because 5 of the 6 beers are gone. The last one had a note on it "I'll be back for this one later." Knowing him, I know what he means. He wants to at least have one more beer with me.

It's not just her that I lose here. There's other relationships that may never be the same, if even salvageable because of her. Ugh...

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 2:45 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

gypsybird87 posted 3/16/2014 16:15 PM

((soulhurts))

A tough but necessary step. Man, it hurts though. After XWH got the last of his stuff, I didn't quite know how to feel. It was an odd mix of relief and sadness. As you said, there was an unmistakable finality to it.

Once the sting eases, enjoy filling in the empty spaces and making the house even more your own. It is very empowering to be able to move straight from decision to action. No need to check with anyone else, you can do whatever you want.

I don't know what to say about the reminders of your son. It's further proof that she is truly broken, because only disordered people can just walk away like that. Both from you and from the memories of him. I'm not sure how much stuff you have but maybe you could keep some special items (put away so they are not hurting you everyday), and donate the rest to a children's charity?

I hear you about the in-laws. I was very close to mine and it's been hard to lose an entire family I loved as well as my marriage. I have some lingering relationships with a couple of people (xMIL, xSIL, and my stepdaughter). But slowly I'm starting to let those go. It's just too painful to stay deeply connected, even though I love these people based on who they are, not just because they are XWH's family. It's difficult to let go, but I'm starting to see it as necessary for my own healing. I think you'll find those bonds will hold for awhile and then fade at the right time, when you are ready. Have that beer together, and let the rest happen in its own time.

I'm so glad she finally respected your wishes and removed her stuff. Keep moving forward, soul. You are strong. She is gone, but you are still standing, and you are the one that matters.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:16 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

MadeOfScars posted 3/16/2014 16:23 PM

(((gypsybird87)))

Regarding reminders of our son, there aren't many as it is. The clothes, crib, etc. were removed some time ago. What remains is a music box my sister got her and a necklace with his birthstone and name that she wore every day for ~3 years, then just stopped. I will keep them in a safe place, but out of the way.

I'm so glad she finally respected your wishes and removed her stuff. Keep moving forward, soul. You are strong. She is gone, but you are still standing, and you are the one that matters.

Thank you for this.

She left some paperwork here that she needed to sign regarding our divorce as I asked. I notice her signature has changed, and no longer has a last name. It's her first initial and some unintelligible scribbling. She used to take a lot of pride in her signature, including ending it with a quick drawing of a flower. That flower, much like her, is now gone.

lilacs40 posted 3/16/2014 20:19 PM

I can't even imagine what that feels like. Even if WH and I do divorce I'll probably be the one to move as I can't afford the mortgage payment alone.

However, it doesn't have to end your relationship with the in laws. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 and to this day my mom and gramma are close. My mom and aunt were close til the day my aunt passed. As a matter of fact my mom delivered the eulogy at her funeral.

Make sure you're good to yourself.

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