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Painful memories on revenge...

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Dark Inertia posted 3/16/2014 16:35 PM

Now I love my mom unconditionally, she is not from the U.S. and has sacrificed everything to make mine and my brother's life as comfortable as possible. She was a single mom, could barely speak, read, and write in English, but she was a hard worker nonetheless. Unfortunately, she was also an OW.

My brother and I were latchkey kids. Not the best decision, but it was a different time. We were quite young, I was 8, he was 10. My mom was home by 8pm, and had a ritual of calling us 3x while we were home alone. If we did not answer she came home, and was usually pretty pissed off because we made her crazy with worry.

I remember one night a woman called us and all she said was "Your mother is dead." I didn't believe her, and she kept repeating your mom is dead, she was in a car accident and died in the ambulance. My brother and I were so young and confused, we didn't know what to do. So we went to bed and cried ourselves to sleep. Ugh, it makes me cry even thinking about it today.

We woke up the next day and my mom was asleep in her bed. We told her what happened, but I don't remember what she said. My brother scolded me, and said I must have misheard the woman (I took the call) and if it happened again to give him the phone.

Well, it happened again. She called again and said our mom was dead. Once again, with me on the phone. This time I said I didn't believe her, but she insisted. I put my brother on the phone, and he talked to her for a while, and when he got off he said it was true.

We didn't know any better!! We were so young and naive. So repeat, we cried ourselves to sleep, woke up the next morning, mom was there. We told her again what happened. This time, I can clearly remember the rage on her face.

I don't recall much after that, but she never called us again. As a BS, my heart goes out first and foremost to other BS'. But this particular one, I can have no forgiveness for, and no matter what my mom's role was I do not believe what this woman did was justified in anyway.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 4:36 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 3/16/2014 16:42 PM

That is one sick bitch Dark Inertia and I have no sympathy for this BW at all. I am so sorry this BW did this to two innocent children. That is cruel beyond words. No, your mother didn't bring this on you. A sick person who went beyond revenge into cruelty. Two different things.

((((( 8 y.o.(Dark Inertia and 10 y.o. brother)))))

RidingHealingRd posted 3/16/2014 16:49 PM

What a nut job! How anyone could do that to innocent children is baffling. Really, that woman has issues far beyond the betrayal she was dealing with.

(((Dark Inertia)))

brokendancer7 posted 3/16/2014 18:39 PM

Awful! I cannot imagine how scared you were! Being in pain is no excuse to mentally torture children. That was beyond cruel!

Holly-Isis posted 3/16/2014 19:05 PM

First, let me be totally clear about how that was unacceptable, BW or not. Totally cruel. Out of line. There are other ways to get revenge on an OW that hurt only her.

Big BIG hugs DI, I was the child of a WW and we were involved in the A and my dad's d-day(s). I know pain and confusion like that so I hope you understand I'm not being un-empathetic to girl-DI when I put on my BW hat. Like me, you guys were BC...betrayed children. Betrayed by a parent who chose to spend her time and emotional energy on someone else.

That said, I'm going to say the unpopular thing and say I get it. If the BW had kids crying at home because daddy wasn't around or because of the crap that goes on in a home during most As, I get that the BW might have wanted the OW to see what it felt like to have her kids crying at home, afraid of losing a parent.

Once.

Again, not acceptable even that once but I can see into the crazed BW mind, desperate for a way to wake the OW up to the pain she's causing.

The second call...just salt on the wound. Totally done to hurt you kids because it was obvious the OW didn't learn or care.

ExposedNiblet posted 3/16/2014 19:27 PM

This:

I'm going to say the unpopular thing and say I get it. If the BW had kids crying at home because daddy wasn't around or because of the crap that goes on in a home during most As, I get that the BW might have wanted the OW to see what it felt like to have her kids crying at home, afraid of losing a parent.

Once.

Again, not acceptable even that once but I can see into the crazed BW mind, desperate for a way to wake the OW up to the pain she's causing.

The second call...just salt on the wound. Totally done to hurt you kids because it was obvious the OW didn't learn or care.


Sad to say, I too understand the desperation involved here. Heaven knows I did some stupid crazy things early on.

Dark Inertia, I'm sorry for the panic and pain those phone calls must have caused you and your brother. You were innocents and that should never have happened.

But, and I say this as gently and as compassionately as I can, have you ever considered what kind of pain your mother caused to that woman's family for her to commit such an act? Of course it doesn't excuse putting your brother and you through such turmoil, but in all fairness, had your mother not put herself in that situation in the first place, those calls never would have been made. Surely you realize that, don't you?

I'm sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by ExposedNiblet at 7:43 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Dark Inertia posted 3/16/2014 20:15 PM

ExposedNiblet, I realize my mother made poor choices. I have no idea if this woman was a wife or girlfriend, or if they had kids. It would be all conjecture. I absolutely would not use my mom's choices to justify or even begin to try to understand what that woman did. I say this as a BW.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:17 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Holly-Isis posted 3/16/2014 20:23 PM

No justification. Just understanding...if she had hurting kids.

Total sympathy for you and your bro. Anger at your mom for not changing the situation after the first time. At the very least she should've told two small kids what to do if they got a call like that again. I mean, what would've happened if she did die in a car accident. You guys would have been lost.

Dark Inertia posted 3/16/2014 20:33 PM

Yes, Holly, as an adult my mom broke down and apologized for our childhood. If she had gotten in a car accident and died we would have been more than screwed: we never met our father and her family is in her home country. It was always just the 3 of us. I wonder if it is in part my mom's culture and generation, or just desperation on her part, but I dunno... I do know that she is a different person now than what she was back then.

Holly-Isis posted 3/16/2014 21:27 PM

And that's what matters.

My dad was an alcoholic and he has apologized for my our childhood. I'm the only one attempting recovery from our FOO issues so I'm thinking I'm the only one that understands your future isn't completely dictated by your past.

My mom, WW, BPD, abusive, neglectful and so on...

Never an apology. I was blamed for everything from being too much like my father to refusing to breast feed as a baby. I rejected her from the start you know. Kicked more than my sister in utero.

She'll tell people we have a good relationship. Or so I hear. I haven't talked to her since DS was a baby. He's 13yo. She has me listed as her DD on FB...yet I have her blocked. She listed all the other kids, grand kids (and step grandkids) and spouses. The four sibs...but not me and my kids.

Appreciate the apology and her change. Some was circumstances, some choices. Second chances are beautiful things.

Does she have a different perspective on her time as an OW since you've become a BW?

SisterMilkshake posted 3/16/2014 21:37 PM

As hurt and devastated as I was as a BS, I still make choices. I won't ever, ever understand purposefully hurting children. Even if my children were in pain, even if I was "desperate" how does harming children become understandable? I won't ever understand what this woman did to DI and her brother. Not. Even. Once.

purplejacket4 posted 3/16/2014 22:21 PM

Not hurting OW's elementary age twins was one of the main reasons I showed restraint. She's a single mother (the father was a literal anonymous sperm donor). I didn't want those kids parent less or without an income (why I didn't out her at work).

They don't deserve that. Even though she used them to contact fWS to take the A underground they were all of nine and didn't know better.

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/16/2014 22:33 PM

In writing a letter to the OW,(a letter that I never sent) I spent a lot of time talking about her daughter, being at an impressionable age, entering into her own teenage relationships and making choices. I asked the OW to think about the kind of example that she wanted to be for her daughter. I also encouraged her to stop posting on facebook where everyone could see what she was doing and how would she affect her daughter by outing the affair. I mention all of this because as a mother myself, I CANNOT fathom how a woman who may or may not see the suffering of her own children could WANT to intentionally inflict such pain to innocents. I am actually surprised that anyone here, people who have obviously been GREATLY wounded themselves could identify with purposely causing such turmoil for two unsuspecting innocent human beings. There is NO excuse, IMHO.

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 10:34 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Holly-Isis posted 3/17/2014 05:05 AM

SM- I think I avoided the word understandable. That's usually equated with acceptable and that's not what I mean.

I can see where she might have been coming from (under certain circumstances) just like I see where some BSs come from when they physically attack or murder a WS (or OP). Does that mean it's acceptable or I would do it? Nope.

It means I get it. I know that people have different levels of strength, maturity, self respect, morals and often being a BS brings you to the lowest levels. So I get a BW watching hurting kids in her own home, maybe feeling like she has no other options. I get her mind going there.

Acceptable? No. Understandable in the definition of "I get it because I might do it?" No. It's child abuse.

That's about as clear as I can get. It's a fine line.

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/17/2014 05:37 AM

Dark Inertia,

The story you told is one of emotional torture. What happened to you is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard of in my life.

To me, there is no nuance here. I do not "get" how someone could do this. I "get" how someone could murder their WS or their AP (not that it would be right or acceptable, etc.) but I do NOT "get" how someone could murder the children of the AP. That's the difference.

If there is a Hell, there will be a special place for that bitch who made those horrible phone calls to you and your brother.

Best to you,

NMAI

confused615 posted 3/17/2014 09:22 AM

That is just horrible.

((((((Dark Inertia)))))

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