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User Topic: Painful memories on revenge...
Dark Inertia
30727
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I love my mom unconditionally, she is not from the U.S. and has sacrificed everything to make mine and my brother's life as comfortable as possible. She was a single mom, could barely speak, read, and write in English, but she was a hard worker nonetheless. Unfortunately, she was also an OW.

My brother and I were latchkey kids. Not the best decision, but it was a different time. We were quite young, I was 8, he was 10. My mom was home by 8pm, and had a ritual of calling us 3x while we were home alone. If we did not answer she came home, and was usually pretty pissed off because we made her crazy with worry.

I remember one night a woman called us and all she said was "Your mother is dead." I didn't believe her, and she kept repeating your mom is dead, she was in a car accident and died in the ambulance. My brother and I were so young and confused, we didn't know what to do. So we went to bed and cried ourselves to sleep. Ugh, it makes me cry even thinking about it today.

We woke up the next day and my mom was asleep in her bed. We told her what happened, but I don't remember what she said. My brother scolded me, and said I must have misheard the woman (I took the call) and if it happened again to give him the phone.

Well, it happened again. She called again and said our mom was dead. Once again, with me on the phone. This time I said I didn't believe her, but she insisted. I put my brother on the phone, and he talked to her for a while, and when he got off he said it was true.

We didn't know any better!! We were so young and naive. So repeat, we cried ourselves to sleep, woke up the next morning, mom was there. We told her again what happened. This time, I can clearly remember the rage on her face.

I don't recall much after that, but she never called us again. As a BS, my heart goes out first and foremost to other BS'. But this particular one, I can have no forgiveness for, and no matter what my mom's role was I do not believe what this woman did was justified in anyway.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 4:36 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is one sick bitch Dark Inertia and I have no sympathy for this BW at all. I am so sorry this BW did this to two innocent children. That is cruel beyond words. No, your mother didn't bring this on you. A sick person who went beyond revenge into cruelty. Two different things.

((((( 8 y.o.(Dark Inertia and 10 y.o. brother)))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10083 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a nut job! How anyone could do that to innocent children is baffling. Really, that woman has issues far beyond the betrayal she was dealing with.

(((Dark Inertia)))


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Nov 2011
brokendancer7
♀ 39911
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awful! I cannot imagine how scared you were! Being in pain is no excuse to mentally torture children. That was beyond cruel!


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, let me be totally clear about how that was unacceptable, BW or not. Totally cruel. Out of line. There are other ways to get revenge on an OW that hurt only her.

Big BIG hugs DI, I was the child of a WW and we were involved in the A and my dad's d-day(s). I know pain and confusion like that so I hope you understand I'm not being un-empathetic to girl-DI when I put on my BW hat. Like me, you guys were BC...betrayed children. Betrayed by a parent who chose to spend her time and emotional energy on someone else.

That said, I'm going to say the unpopular thing and say I get it. If the BW had kids crying at home because daddy wasn't around or because of the crap that goes on in a home during most As, I get that the BW might have wanted the OW to see what it felt like to have her kids crying at home, afraid of losing a parent.

Once.

Again, not acceptable even that once but I can see into the crazed BW mind, desperate for a way to wake the OW up to the pain she's causing.

The second call...just salt on the wound. Totally done to hurt you kids because it was obvious the OW didn't learn or care.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11335 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
ExposedNiblet
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This:

I'm going to say the unpopular thing and say I get it. If the BW had kids crying at home because daddy wasn't around or because of the crap that goes on in a home during most As, I get that the BW might have wanted the OW to see what it felt like to have her kids crying at home, afraid of losing a parent.

Once.

Again, not acceptable even that once but I can see into the crazed BW mind, desperate for a way to wake the OW up to the pain she's causing.

The second call...just salt on the wound. Totally done to hurt you kids because it was obvious the OW didn't learn or care.


Sad to say, I too understand the desperation involved here. Heaven knows I did some stupid crazy things early on.

Dark Inertia, I'm sorry for the panic and pain those phone calls must have caused you and your brother. You were innocents and that should never have happened.

But, and I say this as gently and as compassionately as I can, have you ever considered what kind of pain your mother caused to that woman's family for her to commit such an act? Of course it doesn't excuse putting your brother and you through such turmoil, but in all fairness, had your mother not put herself in that situation in the first place, those calls never would have been made. Surely you realize that, don't you?

I'm sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by ExposedNiblet at 7:43 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Dark Inertia
30727
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ExposedNiblet, I realize my mother made poor choices. I have no idea if this woman was a wife or girlfriend, or if they had kids. It would be all conjecture. I absolutely would not use my mom's choices to justify or even begin to try to understand what that woman did. I say this as a BW.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:17 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No justification. Just understanding...if she had hurting kids.

Total sympathy for you and your bro. Anger at your mom for not changing the situation after the first time. At the very least she should've told two small kids what to do if they got a call like that again. I mean, what would've happened if she did die in a car accident. You guys would have been lost.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11335 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Dark Inertia
30727
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Holly, as an adult my mom broke down and apologized for our childhood. If she had gotten in a car accident and died we would have been more than screwed: we never met our father and her family is in her home country. It was always just the 3 of us. I wonder if it is in part my mom's culture and generation, or just desperation on her part, but I dunno... I do know that she is a different person now than what she was back then.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that's what matters.

My dad was an alcoholic and he has apologized for my our childhood. I'm the only one attempting recovery from our FOO issues so I'm thinking I'm the only one that understands your future isn't completely dictated by your past.

My mom, WW, BPD, abusive, neglectful and so on...

Never an apology. I was blamed for everything from being too much like my father to refusing to breast feed as a baby. I rejected her from the start you know. Kicked more than my sister in utero.

She'll tell people we have a good relationship. Or so I hear. I haven't talked to her since DS was a baby. He's 13yo. She has me listed as her DD on FB...yet I have her blocked. She listed all the other kids, grand kids (and step grandkids) and spouses. The four sibs...but not me and my kids.

Appreciate the apology and her change. Some was circumstances, some choices. Second chances are beautiful things.

Does she have a different perspective on her time as an OW since you've become a BW?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11335 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As hurt and devastated as I was as a BS, I still make choices. I won't ever, ever understand purposefully hurting children. Even if my children were in pain, even if I was "desperate" how does harming children become understandable? I won't ever understand what this woman did to DI and her brother. Not. Even. Once.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10083 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not hurting OW's elementary age twins was one of the main reasons I showed restraint. She's a single mother (the father was a literal anonymous sperm donor). I didn't want those kids parent less or without an income (why I didn't out her at work).

They don't deserve that. Even though she used them to contact fWS to take the A underground they were all of nine and didn't know better.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2357 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In writing a letter to the OW,(a letter that I never sent) I spent a lot of time talking about her daughter, being at an impressionable age, entering into her own teenage relationships and making choices. I asked the OW to think about the kind of example that she wanted to be for her daughter. I also encouraged her to stop posting on facebook where everyone could see what she was doing and how would she affect her daughter by outing the affair. I mention all of this because as a mother myself, I CANNOT fathom how a woman who may or may not see the suffering of her own children could WANT to intentionally inflict such pain to innocents. I am actually surprised that anyone here, people who have obviously been GREATLY wounded themselves could identify with purposely causing such turmoil for two unsuspecting innocent human beings. There is NO excuse, IMHO.

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 10:34 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SM- I think I avoided the word understandable. That's usually equated with acceptable and that's not what I mean.

I can see where she might have been coming from (under certain circumstances) just like I see where some BSs come from when they physically attack or murder a WS (or OP). Does that mean it's acceptable or I would do it? Nope.

It means I get it. I know that people have different levels of strength, maturity, self respect, morals and often being a BS brings you to the lowest levels. So I get a BW watching hurting kids in her own home, maybe feeling like she has no other options. I get her mind going there.

Acceptable? No. Understandable in the definition of "I get it because I might do it?" No. It's child abuse.

That's about as clear as I can get. It's a fine line.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11335 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark Inertia,

The story you told is one of emotional torture. What happened to you is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard of in my life.

To me, there is no nuance here. I do not "get" how someone could do this. I "get" how someone could murder their WS or their AP (not that it would be right or acceptable, etc.) but I do NOT "get" how someone could murder the children of the AP. That's the difference.

If there is a Hell, there will be a special place for that bitch who made those horrible phone calls to you and your brother.

Best to you,

NMAI


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is just horrible.

((((((Dark Inertia)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 16

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