SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

4 year old DS asking questions.

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

dindy posted 3/17/2014 02:52 AM

My DS has been asking why mummy and daddy don't live together. I've explained that daddy broke his promises to mummy and he seems fine with that.

Ex in the other hand is not happy with me telling DS this as he thinks that telling him this will damage him,

I am of the belief that he should be answered with age-appropriate, honest answers, to his questions.

Do you think this is wrong of me to say that to DS? I don't want to lie to my children about why their parents don't live together.

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Thank you.

jpumpkin posted 3/17/2014 03:08 AM

I think your response was fine and that your ex just doesn't want to look bad. Although, I've never had to have this conversation, so others may be better qualified to give opinions.

refuz2bavictim posted 3/17/2014 03:13 AM

I think that was a very age appropriate answer. It's the truth, without the burden of adult sized details.


Ex in the other hand is not happy with me telling DS this as he thinks that telling him this will damage him

He hasn't shown himself to be a very good judge of damage assessment/control. The damage was done by EX the minute he chose the path of deception. Lying won't change or fix that, no matter how much he wishes it were so.

I've seen others recommend that statement as an age appropriate answer.

Children want to know that they are going to be OK, and have a tendency to assume blame for things they don't understand. Children understand the idea of cause and effect. When they don't have answers to their questions they can misinterpret themselves as being the "cause".
I think your honest, respectful answer will help DS process what is happening to his family in a healthier way.


dindy posted 3/17/2014 03:24 AM

Thanks for your replies.

I do think that telling DS the truth in away for him to understand will help him realise that it is not his fault. I did reassure him that both mummy and daddy love him and say this a lot to him.

As far as ex is concerned, it just shows his complete lack of remorse for the damage he has caused.

dindy posted 3/17/2014 05:25 AM

Now I'm feeling quite angry towards ex because he wants to whitewash what he had done. He has said he is going to write letters to out children for when they are older so that they can understand what he has done and why.

No doubt he will say that it was all my fault and that I pushed him away and caused him to have an A.

How dare he!

I am so tempted to email him and say that him distorting the truth is what will damage our children. But I know crickets is best.

What a piece of shit he is.

wanttogoforward posted 3/17/2014 07:36 AM

Dindy... He is going to write letters to them for when they are older??? Let him... it won't do any good to explain yourself years later.... he should be owning up to his actions now!

But you probably cannot tell him that because his head is up his ass and he cannot hear what is best fir his kids! So don't bother trying.

I had to explain to my kids when they were 4 and 6 where dad went.... they took it fine because he was so busy working (not his fault at the time) that they spent most of their time with me anyway. I sort of remember a few questions but they were not huge questions that burned a major memory in any way.

Don't worry or care about the ex.....actions have consequences.... and here they are!

obliquestrat posted 3/17/2014 10:39 AM

I'm a huge fan of honesty with kids. I also wouldn't consider it dishonest to say that it's a complicated situation that you're not comfortable explaining, though, while assuring them that both parents still love them and so on. That's different from, "it's fine" or some other misdirection - you're directly saying, "I'm not willing to directly say it."

While I don't think 4 year-olds are beacons of reasoning when they, say, take cookies off the counter, the thing that strikes me about this kind of explanation is - how will they reconcile *exile* with what they know of transgressions and forgiveness? It doesn't seem like a far leap from me for them to wonder how bad they'd have to be in order to get shipped out of a parent's life.

sisoon posted 3/17/2014 13:37 PM

Wow! What a great explanation!

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.