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like a phantom limb

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Klove posted 3/17/2014 06:59 AM

Halfway through week 4 of separation and day 6 of 180. I'm a teacher and I just finished March Break. This is the first time in years I get back to school with no fun trip or story about what I did on March Break.
This morning just feeling so sad about missing another person in my life. Just 5 weeks ago, as I arrived to school I would have gotten a text or phone call from WH to say hi as he set off on a long drive or a few days away. I used to think this was a nice gesture, but now I see that it was more because the man can't be alone with his own thoughts for more than a minute. This is one of the reasons he turned to her. She could talk to him for hours on end with no other obligations. I had a busy job as a High School teacher and the kids to think about.
Anyway- not my point. My point is today I woke up and felt extremely lonely. I drove to school chatting with my Mom, but kept looking at my phone for his text or waiting for his phone call. Sometimes I forget what's going on and it's like a horrible jolt back.
I know I need to be alone - I have never really been alone and I need this right now to help me become less codependent. I would not take him back. I know that...
But I miss having someone. It's so hard to believe he is really gone.

SBB posted 3/17/2014 07:11 AM


I know you already know this will pass but for now I just want to send you a big, warm hug.

I've been right where you are now. All of us have. Please know you're not alone.

I was bewildered for some time. Just reading your words brings it all back. I feel equal parts amazed that I survived it intact (I thought I would die of heartbreak) and astonished that I ever felt such loss for that guy. I'm 2 years out from DD - 18m+ post S.

When I was where you are now someone here said to me: "Sometime soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened."

These firsts are rough - it gets better. So much better.

Klove posted 3/17/2014 07:19 AM

SBB- thank you so very much. I know this will get better- I just want to skip the suffering and get to better...but I know I will be better BECAUSE of the suffering.
WH has so many issues and I know what he has done is not my fault. But I also realize that I must have some issues of my own to allow this to go on for as long as I have- almost 2 years...I'm not being hard on myself. I just want to go into whatever future relationships await me being strong and stable- not codependant and loyal to a fault. I can only acheive that by walking through this fire. I know this with all my heart.

Right now I feel like I will be lonely forever.

And then I think about him with this OW now...they must be so happy they both ditched their annoying spouses and they must feel that new-love intoxicating, all consuming feeling. I am envious. I know it's likely going to be a train wreck for them-they are both a couple of broken people who have never gotten help with their own issues to be healthy alone- let alone together. But I'm jealous right now of how they must feel. How magical that feeling is.

I don't want to be lonely forever.

Ellejay posted 3/17/2014 07:32 AM

Klove - Yes, it is magical that feeling. I would love to experience that at least one more time in my life.

I can tell you that the 'magic" will die off very quickly with your H and his OW now that they can basically do as they please out in the open. So much more intoxicating when it's all in secret and there is risk.

You will not be lonely for long. Even if you don't fall into another relationship for some time you will find so much more things come your way now that your arms can open to accept them.
Sadly, it is a grief that you must work through to come out the other end stronger and ready to fight for your self respect.

I was married for 25 years and felt I'd had my legs chopped off at the knees for the first few months. I remember standing in the kitchen making two cups of tea (as usual) one black with no sugar (his) and one white with one (mine) until it dawned on me that never again would we sit down to breakfast together. Hard.

This time next year you will have shifted towards something greater but for now allow yourself the space to feel what you must.

Be easy on yourself - all things must pass.



jackie89 posted 3/17/2014 08:34 AM


You are not alone, I've been right where you are now, kept looking at the phone. Eventually, you will get to a better place.

I had a friend that kept telling me - "Just imagine yourself 1 year from now, you'll be in a totally different place emotionally"

I simply couldn't imagine myself one whole year without him. But I did it, Faith was a big part, strength from family and friends and keeping busy - got me through it.

Then you'll arrive at a better place, where you'll actually enjoy being alone, coming and going as you please, make dinner (or not).

In those down moments, think of the things that you do have, your health, your beautiful children, your home. Every positive thought helps get you through this horrible pain.

norabird posted 3/17/2014 09:45 AM


oh sweetie. Yes, it's hard. It really is like a phantom limb. You're so used to turning to him, hearing from him, having contact--and then nothing. It's so confusing and sudden and hurtful. You know you don't deserve it but also knowing that doesn't change the fact that it's happened. It's like being shellshocked, in a daze. It's normal to miss the companionship, but you're right, feeling the suffering is part of how you will grow and become whole again. It can be a cold comfort to know you still have your integrity but that is what will get you through too.

Hang in there.

Nomorestrength posted 3/17/2014 13:15 PM

I can't offer any advice because I'm right there with you. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. My WH has moved out and I know I am done after multiple DD's with same woman, but I wish the missing him would go away. I'm preparing for a baby, and so many things are happening that make me wish I could just text him and get reassurance. But I have to remind myself he has made the choice (several times) of another woman over me. Even if I'm alone the rest of my life (which I hope not, I'm close in age to you too) it will be better than being lied to.

I also get bogged down at times thinking about how the OW is getting exactly what she wants, something she's been wanting for 4-5 years!! What a loser these OW's are!! I have thought about writing her an email to tell her I filed so she doesn't have to be back-up status anymore. Ugh, she's not worth it.

Hang in there. You don't need him.

Virginiagirl posted 3/17/2014 20:01 PM

This post resonates so much for me. It really is like a phantom limb.
I hate how I want to still hear from him yet at the same time never want to talk to him again.

renee21 posted 3/17/2014 20:02 PM

I'm right there with you, he's been gone longer but I am still processing all the firsts, the holidays were absolute hell, knowing he was spending them with the gutter pig.

I'm very lonely too but nowhere near ready to get involved with anyone, my heart is still too broken. But I understand where you are coming from.

they are too messed up and weak to just be on their own and fix themselves. that's why most of us are dealing with idiot ex or stbx that have already latched on to someone else

It sucks being alone though, I get it.

MadeOfScars posted 3/17/2014 20:55 PM

I am sorry that you ever needed to make this post, but you put it so well...phantom limb. I have a Galaxy S4. Not trying to t/j to brag about my phone, rather one of the features of the phone is it "learns" what you type most often. Every morning when I arrived to work, I would send a text to my STBXWW of "made it. I love you." There would be other similar ones throughout that day, and always one when I left work.

To this day, any time I type "I," guess what my phone tries to "complete" for me. I use my phone a lot for business email, and texting family and friends is also not unusual. I haven't sent an "I love you" text to anyone in a couple of months, but the phone still reminds me.

Point is, I know the feeling and I empathize. Sending you peace and strength.

one2ndchance posted 3/18/2014 01:31 AM

There's gotta be a way to change that. Try typing in "I love myself."?

dmari posted 3/18/2014 01:40 AM

Your post brought me back to my early months. A lot of wishful thinking and longing. At times you wake up and realize it's not a nightmare but your life. I just wanted to send you some hugs and reassure you that it does get better.

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