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finallymefirst posted 3/17/2014 07:32 AM

You know how in some circles people are said to have the little girl or little boy still inside of them and sometimes have arrested development?? Well this morning I realized that the little girl in me really, really, liked my exh. She thought he was the best thing in the world and that he would love and protect her forever and as a result she really let her guard down. Poor thing lol.

Part of my healing is the process of either "raising " this little girl or saying goodbye to her, whichever is the healthiest. Right now, I'm nurturing her and being so kind and thoughtful of her. I'm doing and saying the things to her that I believe that I was looking for in relationships with men and people in general.

I hope this isn't too fruu fruu, la la for some people
Anyyyywaayyy... this little girl really believed in my exh and I am so glad that the adult Finallymefirst is in the control of my life now because now I'm healthier and wiser and hopefully will make better decisions for myself regarding relationships from now on.

Leia posted 3/17/2014 08:07 AM

Love this analogy. Keep on growing!

She11ybeanz posted 3/17/2014 09:31 AM

I was the same way as you. I knew within a week that I wanted to marry my XWH....I remember us going to the beach on a spontaneous trip one weekend....and I threw a penny into a fountain and said that "That's the man that I want to marry someday...." And, 3 years later...I did. I had no fears....no regrets....no doubts in my mind that he was the one for me. There was never so much as a weed much less a wall standing in my way. All my guards were down and I was completely and utterly in love and openly vulnerable.

Then, on D-day....it was like MOW and XWH opened fire on me like some sort of cruel firing squad. When I read the emails that he wrote to her.....he might as well have shoved a dagger straight into my heart and twisted it with every lovey dovey nickname they had for one another....for every pornographic detail he wanted to do to her....and for worst of all....telling her "he had never wanted to be with another woman more than her".... and I was his WIFE...

I don't know if I will EVER be able to be that trusting again. I don't know if its even healthy to be that trusting and naïve again. I want to....and I have been trying hard to give people the benefit of the doubt.....but now it seems like trust must be more earned than just given freely. I guess that is the price my heart has to pay for enduring and surviving infidelity and such awful heartbreak. I wanted to R.... he didn't. The rejection hit me twice as hard. I always thought he was my soulmate but have since realized after speaking with many people (who of course didn't come out until I was going through my D) that he wasn't the man I thought he was.

That man. That myth. That white knight is dead. He never existed. There is no such thing as a perfect man or a soulmate. There ARE however wonderful people out there that can possibly compliment our lives if we are lucky enough to stumble across them at just the right moment....in the grocery store checkout.....gas pumps.... picking up their own child from daycare....etc.

I refuse to give up on love. I know love can be real and absolutely wonderful. But, I may have a few weeds up to protect me next go around.....Dandelions never hurt anyone...right?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:32 AM, March 17th (Monday)]

finallymefirst posted 3/17/2014 12:12 PM

Yeah Shelly, I don't think I'll ever be that trusting and naive again. The funny thing is that I really thought I was on top of things So when I think about the lessons I learned, that I NEEDED to learn. I don't feel as bad as I used to.

Caretaker1 posted 3/17/2014 19:48 PM

Shelley.....I can relate. I look back and feel not only betrayed, but damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I will always listen to that voice inside and trust my gut. I also have never been in such a toxic relationship. Kids involved so I can't escape the negativity and vindictiveness.