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The 180: Advice please

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longnightmare posted 3/17/2014 09:29 AM

I am so grateful that I found this site, and everyone has been so helpful and I have felt much better since being a member. But I am afraid that all the advice and articles about the 180 are not going to help in my present situation :-(

We are nearly 3 years out from Dday, and only recently has WH agreed to try to work through. He doesn't WANT to think about what happened at all, and is the type of person that can just switch a problem off as to not deal with it. He has selective amnesia after an argument about ANYTHING, and this is why the 180 will not be effective. He would be overjoyed if I stopped bringing it up, and if I followed the 180 exactly, he would just use my actions as a way to move on and never have to speak of it again. HE COULD LIVE LIKE THAT! It wouldn't affect him...

tushnurse posted 3/17/2014 09:39 AM

So are you seeking advice on how to attempt to deal with this, other than 180, and allowing him to rugsweep?

MrsDoubtfire posted 3/17/2014 09:41 AM

Hmmmm. If he wants to rug sweep and isn't prepared to get to the bottom of why he thought having an A was acceptable you will probably struggle with R.

He needs to be doing everything in his power to help YOU get over his A.

Do you know what made him wait 3 years to try to R? Was the A taken underground?

What have you done in the last 3 years to help yourself get stronger?

All I can say from a personal viewpoint is that when my FWH begged for R I knew the only way I would agree is if he agreed to do what I needed him to do (IC/MC etc) in order that I could feel safe with him once more.

Also, I knew I never wanted to be in a situation where the possibility of another A was on the table so, if he'd have wanted to not talk about it, I'd have walked.

longnightmare posted 3/17/2014 09:43 AM

Yes, either advice as to how to implement the 180 with a WS like this, or another technique altogether on how to live with WH who rugsweeps!!!

longnightmare posted 3/17/2014 09:53 AM

He waited 3 years because, in his own words, he didn't realize there was still an issue, and he says he tries to just not talk about it. In the first year, I tried to work through it with him but it always ended in a fight, and it got me nowhere. Life happened, and other things took precedence, he rugswept and I stupidly tried to just let go and not let my hundreds of triggers affect our day-to-day lives. Then two months ago I suspected him of a new A, and reopened the can...

norabird posted 3/17/2014 10:04 AM

There is really nothing you can do to affect how he handles this/what he is capable of. If he doesn't want to do the work, can you live with that? At some point, you have to decide if you are comfortable being the one trying to make this work, or if you want to stop trying and leave. That's how the 180 is helpful--for you to get distance on what is/isn't acceptable to you.

cvs2kkids posted 3/17/2014 10:28 AM

There is really nothing you can do to affect how he handles this/what he is capable of. If he doesn't want to do the work, can you live with that? At some point, you have to decide if you are comfortable being the one trying to make this work, or if you want to stop trying and leave. That's how the 180 is helpful--for you to get distance on what is/isn't acceptable to you.

^^^^This.

If you're ok with his attitude, problem solved.

If you're not, implement 180 and if he runs, it's because he feels you're not important enough to work on it.

Your only question is, "What can I live with?".

longnightmare posted 3/17/2014 12:28 PM

OK maybe someone can tell me if I've got the right idea about the 180... I am trying to only worry about me and the kids, and not project a foul mood or bitterness even if its screaming on the inside. I'm not IGNORING him, but I am only responding to him (mostly because if I give him the green light to act like everything is normal he will, and that will turn me back into the pathetic mess again). He came by on his lunch and just stood around looking sad and like I was hurting him by not greeting him with a smile and conversation like I normally would...I felt like I must have been doing well with 180 by his reaction, but at the same time its eating me alive because I just KNOW he will now be playing the martyr and in his own mind now I'M the MEAN one who is DOING this to HIM! Is the 180 a devastating anxiety attack the whole time???

norabird posted 3/17/2014 12:36 PM

I think you're absolutely doing it right! Just ignore his pouting. He has everything assbackwards, and you can't get him to understand that. So ignore it like you would a child's temper tantrum. You will be less and less affected by him the more you detach.

OneBrokenGirl posted 3/18/2014 17:10 PM

"If you're not, implement 180 and if he runs, it's because he feels you're not important enough to work on it."

That just struck home with me.

BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 17:18 PM

Also stop the "benefits" of you being his wife. No more cooking for him or doing his laundry or whatever else you assist him with. If it's something that helps him but you need to do it for the family's benefit then that's fine. You don't just stop talking to him, you turn off being his wife, including "duties". I'm sure you know but also-no sex. Bakery is closed.

If he's willing to work through it, then he needs to work through it. He doesn't get to say how that goes.

Also you should give him your list of minimum requirements. Ie-therapy for him, a timeline of his affairs, full transparency, etc.

Doesn't matter that it's 3 years out. If you want to start the healing then it needs to be done the right way. He doesn't get any sort of "pass" on anything because he pretended it wasn't an issue for this long. If anything that shows how he can't be trusted to deal with this his way.

Read through some threads. Learn about minimum requirements and tell him they are what you require to heal. Then watch what he does-not what he says. Actions matter more than words.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 5:20 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

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