Well, yesterday I snooped where I shouldn’t have. (Be kind with the 2x4’s I know I shouldn’t have.) I took his car to the grocery store and in it he had his Out of the Shadows workbook in it. It’s been there for a while but for whatever reason, I chose to look through it this time. He started this around 10/2012 and hasn’t really written anything it for a while. What I did see is that although I thought it was 3 AP, it was more. He said in the workbook that I thought it was 4 but suspected more.
So when I got home he knew something was amiss. Finally I said I looked at his workbook and he STILL had never been completely honest with me. I asked him how many women there really was and he said, “I don’t know, 9 or 10.”
So now once again I am devastated. This leads me to question what else I don’t know. How long did this behavior last? Is it like cockroaches, if he says 10 there are the dozens I don’t see?
He said all behavior stopped when I found out in November `09 only to find out through his workbook he continued to look at porn until at least November `12. That was a deal breaker for me. He *swears* he doesn’t anymore and he has given me access to everything.
I don’t know if any one has any advice, I just feel lost.
married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R
It matters because he's omitted to give you all the facts.
Lies of omission so to speak.
You have at least 6 or 7 OW to be given answers about.
What do you want to do?
My heart goes out to you as this must hurt as deeply as DDay did.
Take some time and write down the questions that are swirling around your head.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
What did your H say when you confronted him about this hidden past? Is he NOW willing to sit down with you and talk about all of them? Or does he think that because they're buried so deep in the past, they shouldn't matter? What is his reason for not telling you from the start? Has he been really great during your R? It's hard to think he has been when he always knew he was carrying this secret around.
I'm so sorry, Sodeeplysaddened. This is a tough one but if your H is committed to making this work, he owes you a lot of answers and quickly.
He allowed you to go from 2009 to 2012 believing lies. Confesses and tells you everything is out now, after he is caught.
Then 2012-2014 when more comes out again, NOW you have it all.
What's next and when will it end?
He hasn't stopped lying and has shown little concern for your well being. Every new dday brings a blow and it gets more and more difficult to recover from.
I don't think a timeline is the issue, he doesn't have the desire to be honest and help you heal through this. His interests appear to be covering his ass and making sure he is protected.
It's time he feels some real consequences, IMO.
But,only you can decide when you have had enough.
Take time to think about you and your needs. What do YOU want?
I am sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:42 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
Shame is a big part of this.
Are you working with a CSAT? Is he? Is not, he is wasting his time. If so, he should have disclosed honestly to them and planned a full disclosure to you in a controlled time and place, with support for you.
Attendance at 12 step meetings is also essential.
I'm so sorry you found out like this. So many of us do. It's soul crushing. They can learn to finally be honest and have true integrity, it's a long, hard road. A workbook won't do it.
And why are you saying you shouldn't have snooped? You have the right to "snoop" for the rest of your marriage. If he gives you full access, then that means FULL ACCESS. You did nothing wrong.
You said it was a dealbreaker. Was it?
What is HE saying? I mean, other than all of this behavior stopped years ago? Because that right there is a line of shit. Nothing stopped. He may not have had sex with someone else, but he lied, lied, lied. To protect himself. He is still selfish and wayward.
Im so angry for you! It pisses me off that you gave him the gift of R, and he smiled and lied to your face for the last few years...trying to earn back trust when he was still freaking lying.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
We didn't talk much about it yesterday because the kids were home.
I did think all was going well but now I know that it might have been wishful thinking.
I guess I need to come up with some real consequences and requests.
He was going to to a CSAT but he has stopped.
We did go to MC but it stopped (not sure how much that helped).
You're right, confused, it is "a line of shit."
How do you ever know if you have been told the truth?
2009-2012 he continued looking at porn and even Craigslist. During this time he made out with a girl he met at a bar.
2012 - current - I thought (as I did since 2009) we were in R only to find out I really have no idea what has occured for most of our marriage!
Writing it out makes me see how absurd it all is. I don't know why I continue, I do love him but clearly that is not enough. I want our kids to have an intact family, but can I do that if I lose myself in the process? (mostly rhetorical questions)
Thank you all, it just feels so much better to be able to share with this great community and get such fantastic support.
i am willing to try to rebuild our life together. i am willing to give her another chance.
i am willing to do so because she shows remorse, is being honest/truthful (including not lying via omission), is being transparent, is being open, has established boundaries, and is willing to go to IC/MC.
my wife knows that if i found out that what she has told me is lies or significant distortions of the truth, if her boundaries ever waver again (even slightly - for instance -> flirting), or if she ever engaged in another affair of any kind ... id file for D. no second chance from here onwards. no patience for a false R. it would be done.
your husband has proven that he isnt being honest, isnt being transparent, isnt being open, and has been lying.
i cant say what YOU should do but i know what I would do in your position - file for D. i wouldnt be willing to go through this again.
i am, however, pretty new on the site. thats why i can only say what i would do. i am hesitant to offer advice, afraid my own perceptions cloud what i offer - worse that someone follows my advice and it turns out to be bad advice.
im so sorry
[This message edited by william at 11:30 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I will just have to decide what I should do from here...
Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself
DDay- July 13, 2013
Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman
This sucks for you. I know it feels like JFO all over again. Please practice self care. Remember, you didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it.
lies of omission are as bad a lie
I wouldn't spend one more day trying to R with him until you know the truth. You need to know exactly what you're dealing with here.
Ask him to take one. His reaction will be key. But even if he says yes and seems as if he really wants to take it..because, you really, really know *everything* now!...make him follow through with it.
I finally got a timeline but just as ziganska stated, it was a lot of "I can't remember everything" and "I've been trying so hard to forget all this sh*t."
I felt it was an executive summary, not a timeline. I've asked for more details such as where did it happen, how did you meet them, how often did this occur, what were their names.
I got some response back, but just the usual rhetoric -- bars, cheap motels, I can remember all their names and very few last names. Of course on his list he missed one that I knew about!
I asked him if is CSAT ever stated he should disclose all this to me. He said he did tell him to disclose everything to me but in my SAfWH's words, "It was my narcassistic tendency thinking I shouldn't tell you everything."
He said he 'worked hard' on the timeline and I hear his frustation when I say it isn't enough and he doesn't get a gold star for telling me the stuff he should have told me all along.
I asked about the polygraph, he said he would do it. Now I must go through with it!!!
thank you all for your support - what would I do with out SI?!?