But you have to work on healing yourself to and examining if repairing the marriage is right for you. It's what I'm working on too (I'm about 4 months in) and it's a lot of work but we're committed to. I still think of them...constantly...still look at her FB page...still ask questions about the gory details and then sit back and envision when it all took place and how he lied to me...it's natural to do that, but it's so self destructive too. Just know you are not alone and time will indeed help.
Try to write your thoughts in a journal, share them with your husband, focus on the things that do make you happy in life, see a therapist, treat yourself to some pampering....any distractions will help.
Good luck to you!
Today is 2 weeks in and yesterday I started feeling really blah. As the day went on I realized that blah really was just a lack of that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had felt constantly since D-day. I took it as a sign of healing.
Today it's back again. Enjoy the good moments when you can.
Married 5 years. Dating 9. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
It will take time, but most importantly what you do with that time. Eventually life will take over and you will have other things, more important things to think about.
There is a thread down in the "I Can Relate" Forum dedicated to "double betrayals" (double because he/she was a friend) that you need to check out.
Crushed...you and your WS need to seek professional help working through this. It was a long term affair AND she was your (cough) "best friend" (cough) This is something you can't DIY nor can clergy truly help you through this.
Please don't try to sweep it under the rug, your WS needs to find out what is so broken inside himself he could do this to you with your best friend.
But the bottom line is eventually it will not consume your every waking hour.
I'm so sorry. Has your WH cut off all contact? Has he given you access? Is he not just saying but doing all the right things? Don't let him blame you or justify his own actions at all.
He has hurt you so, so deeply and the healing process will be long and he needs to do everything possible.
You say you are trying to work things out. It is way too soon to make that statement. You just took a major emotional hit - you are still bleeding, lying on the floor. You can't know what you want or how you will feel a day from now, nevermind make plans for the rest of your life.
You need 6 months to heal, to process everything, to come to grips with what you have learned -to ride this horrible rollercoaster. During those 6 months, follow the "180 rules" - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
These will help guide you on how to behave and how to get through this.
Over the following months at times you will desire your WS more than ever - and at times you will be revolted by the thought of his touching you - this is normal. Can you trust him again? Can you love him again? Trust and love take a long time to rebuild - first you need to heal before you can start.
It will get better. But you need help - a therapist, councelor, special friend - someone you can talk too. Your WS cannot be that person.
You will have oceans of anxiety and pain running through you. Meds can help - esp sleeping pills. Better still, though, is self-medicating through excercize. Start running, working out - put some of this anger energy to use - you will feel a lot better.
Keep reading, posting here - we are here to help.
The double betrayal really sux :(
Are you getting MC ?
It's still so recent for you , and I'm sorry to say , it will take a while before the thoughts of the affair don't consume you.
I'm 2 months out from d day and I still think about it every day.
Little things help , I'm finding that going to the gym helps
Does anyone know how long it takes to stop constantly thinking about the 2 of them together?
To the extent that ANY of your pain, CrushedByHim, comes from you feeling made worthless by his actions, I strongly encourage you to focus on an obvious fact.
GOOD HUSBANDS do not cheat on their wives. WEAK, SELFISH, SCUMBAGS do this. Do not let your husband's lack of character, his violation of his own vows, his self-indulgence, lead you to miss the obvious.
YOU DESERVE BETTER, AND GAVE HIM BETTER. HE DESERVES WORSE AND IS UNWORTHY OF YOU.
Whether you forgive him and fully reconcile, or eventually leave- never forget that obvious fact. He needs to know this, too, and do everything in his power, having proven unworthy of you, to become the better man you deserve. Because, if he remains as he was, then you should run like hell away, and find the man who will be what it failed to be. Don't let yourself remain CrushedByHim. Know that you deserve BetterThanHim.
Stay strong. We're rooting for YOU.
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
There really is no way for the WS to fathom what their indiscretions are going to cost you. There is simply no way to quantify it or understand for them.
I can tell you this, if you both work you can get passed it. I would have told you I would never feel warm and fuzzy about my wife but I think it just might happen one day.
The trick is for you WS to be remorseful enough soon enough. Each day they aren't that happy place you have inside for them gets smaller. If they don't do their part, one day it will be gone. At that point you won't care less if you stay married or not. Also, at that point they typically realize it and finally start to act right.
It makes no sense. They will do what they are forced to and nothing else.
Time will help and so will a remorseful spouse who actively supports the healing process. Have u fWH read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and follow it to a "T". Lots of ppl recommend IC for you both and MC.
We've also found the books "after the affair" and "how can I forgive you" to be extremely helpful.
For me learning a lot about infidelity and coming to a firm understanding of what actually happened has helped a lot. Get a timeline and ask any questions you need to. You both need to agree on the infidelity story line meaning you have to be able to believe it in order to heal. So if you're like me this means lots of questions with repeats and helpin him and me figure out why and how he did this.
You should do what you want to do. He lost his say in your life when he slept with your best friend. What has happened to her by the way? Is she still in your life? I fuckin hope not. Expose her to her husband/boyfriend if she has one.
Having said all that - 2 years...