Sorry you are here my friend. You will get lots of support here. This is going to be one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for you. You want to find answers, but the best thing to do at this moment is to read the materials in the reading library to the left hand side. Start with the BS FAQ -
You may find a lot familiarity in that FAQ to your own situation. The details of the situations may be differ, but the script of the affair is quite common. Like you said, hold off contemplating big decisions right now. Get information and read up on that FAQ. Don't forget to drink, eat, get rest, as hard as it is to do at the moment. Just know that you cannot "nice" your wife into to deciding between you and her affair partner (AP). I doubt she is "in love" with this guy, many of the waywards think that is the feeling but it isn't.
This is a tough road to go down. We are all here to help you along the way. Your priority right now is to take care of yourself and your kids. Your wife got herself into this mess. She owns the decision to cheat 100%. Don't you dare blame yourself for any of that decision.
You just found out. Literally. Take a moment to try to step back and breathe. It is overwhelming.
A few things:
1. It is wonderful that you found this site early. If you can read through a few threads you will find a consistent theme - "I wish I had done THIS sooner." Use them as guidance in regard to how you respond to your newly discovered knowledge.
2. There is a healing library in the left hand corner. Read. The knowledge and experience you will find there is extensive.
3. Recognize the KEY fact - what your wife did was NOT your fault. Your marriage might have been great, it might have sucked. But either way, cheating is NOT the answer. The affair is 100% her fault.
She will not see it that way - at least not yet. But understand that YOU did not cause it, in any way, shape or form.
4. If I may make one recommendation - and I'm a bit reluctant because it's SO soon - but it's the one thing I wish I had done: She doesn't get to sit on the fence and decide. She's married to you, period. If she can't go no contact with the other man, immediately, then she doesn't get the comforts of home.
Let her know that you want a decision. Now. If she waffles, or isn't sure, or says anything other than I want YOU - 100%, then she leaves. Period. Your marriage certificate doesn't say you, her - and some other guy.
If she wants the marriage then she will start trying. We recognize she may not spin around on a dime - but she starts trying, pronto. If not, she doesn't get you and her family.
Lastly, I know what you're thinking - won't that just drive her to the other guy? Well, first off, she's already with him. But, more importantly, as has been said here a million times - the only thing worse than being cheated on behind your back is being cheated on right in front of you.
Good luck. You can make it.
Put an end to that shit. You deserve better. Tell her you will not share your wife and she can either end it with OM, via a NC email that she writes and you send, or you will dump all of her shit off on his front porch.
You need to find out if OM has a wife or a girlfriend...from a source other than your WW( she may/will lie). If he has one, you need to call her and tell her. Do not tell your WW first..she will warn OM and by the time you get to his wife, she will have been told you are crazy and abusive.
Forward all texts and emails and pics and anything else to an email account of your own..and only you have the password. Do this right away, before she deletes it all.
You need to be tested for STD's..as does she. No sex until the results are in.
If she wants to R then you will need full transparency, she has to find another job, NC, and she has to get her ass into IC to figure out why she did this.
Do not allow her to blame you. This decision is hers to own.
Since she is so foggy, exposure will be your best friend. Expose her and OM to his BW, at work, tell her parents, mutual friends, etc.
You can not "nice" her out of the affair.
Welcome to SI. Im so sorry you're going through this Hell, but you are not alone.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:54 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I've only been at this for 2 months now. Start in the Healing Library in the upper left. I've gotten a lot of help from there and posting/ranting here. Individual counseling for me has been helping as well. Main thing is, you do not have to make a decision right now. It's good that you know that. Also, you do not have to forgive her.
I recommend reading "How Can I Forgive You" and "After the Affair" by Spring, and "Not Just Friends" by Glass. Going through these now I think they should be required reading in school. Some of the ways to deal with relationships better would of been helpful before it gets to this point.
I know it is hard, my kids just thought I was sick, but try to get as much food in you as you can handle. Sleeping separately helped me.
Time and patience, this isn't something that can be fixed overnight.
[This message edited by hurtingfool at 10:59 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
I think this is the single most important thing to get your wife's head out if her ass. I wouldn't play nice and like others have said if she is on the fence she wouldn't be sleeping at my house.
Sorry for your pain brother, we've all been there and done that. You'll be ok even though you can't see it right now. I still have to remind myself daily of this.
With that said you need to make yourself the priority now. You need to protect you and your kids. She has created this mess and you must allow her to experience it and clean it up. Forget about the woman you married. She is gone forever my man. This shit simply can not be wished away or swept under a rug. It has to be dealt with quickly and decidedly. Now this does not mean you have to D her tomorrow. But you must make her fully understand that D will happen unless she stops her shit. Don't make any idle threats. Stand your ground and mean it. After you deal with her A then you can decide on what you want to do with the M. First things first, put an end to her games and force her to decide. There is a good chance she will want OM. But you must allow her to go to him. But once she is gone no more support from you. Not emotional or financial. She goes with the knowledge that your not putting up with this shit. Drag this fantasy into the light of reality and see how quickly it dies. Keep it in the dark and the monster will continue to grow. Good luck bro and keep posting.
She needs to make a decision, right now. If it's a recommitment to the marriage then she sits down, in front of you, and drafts a No Contact letter. It gets sent to him with you looking over her shoulder. From that moment on she is to understand that she will have NO CONTACT, period.
Also, you need to be in touch with his wife... if he is married. If you don't know it then look your wife in the eye - while she is still reeling from the revelation - and let her know that you want his name and home address/phone number. If she hesitates, even for a second, tell her to pack her bags.
Believe me, she hasn't thought through all the consequences yet and this is a huge advantage for you. When you tell her that she's not going to see her children for a long time - she'll give you anything you want. Use her shock to your advantage.
sorry to meet you. glad you made it.
If the OM is married, out the A to his BW. See an attorney and get the paperwork for filing for D. And be prepared to kick her out if she won't decide and still says she doesn't know what she wants.
I know you love your wife but you can't let her do this to you, for your own self-respect. You have to be willing to loose the M to save the M. And honestly, do you want to be with someone who has you s their back-up plan? No matter how much you love her, that's no type of relationship.
Keep looking after your boy and take care of yourself. I'm so sorry. You certainly did not deserve this and your WW has some issues to work out about why she was vulnerable to the ego boost of this A.
Your wife wants both her marriage and the OM and she will lie and manipulate to get them. If you wish to reconcile then find out the OM's marital status and recruit help from your extended family; get them condemning your wife for the betrayal of her family; not just you, but the betrayal of your innocent children as well.
If WW chooses to stay with her family, hopefully after everyone but the OM has roundly kicked her ass; then watch out for her taking the affair underground. She WILL NOT readily give up the OM and her romantic fantasy. She will likely continue to sneak off to see him every chance she gets. By the way, she is powerfully infatuated with him but she is not in love with you , thats a load of crap. She would not have fallen for the OM if she loved and respected you and she would be long gone if not for her kids.
If you want your wife back then use your brain not your heart. Keep calm and calculating and use all resources at your disposal. SI is one of them.
Your WW needs to decide who she wants.
You do not need a third person in your M.
It's you or the OM. Period.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
Look for the posts with bullseyes next to them. You might have to go back a few pages to find them but they contain valuable information critical to your situation. Read them and up in the left hand corner is the healing Library. Go to FAQ's. read it all. Start now so the next time you talk with her you know what to ask or expect. Although we have different stories the main script is the same.
So glad you found us so fast. Keep posting and we will be glad to share the wisdom.
Remember to eat and drink lots of water. Also try and workout to release stress. Minimize any alcohol. It won't help.
If you have trouble sleeping talk to you doc when you get tested for STD's.
Suggest you see a lawyer ASAP. Know your rights and protect yourself. Knowledge is power. You don't have to act on anything now. But at least you will have some ideas of what to expect legally should things turn ugly.
Sending you strength.
Does this OM have to deal with paying the household bills, raising kids, and everything else. NO.
Affairs are easy fantasy worlds and like others have written, you need to pop the fantasy bubble.
Find out about this OM, his he married, and if so let his wife know what is going on.
Actually, do you even know if this OM knows your wife is married. If you have never gone to any of her work related functions or been there, he might not know...obviously let him know.
Gathering information is one way to help you feel back in control of your life again. And that is the worst part right now, you feel as if some stranger and your wife ripped your life right from you. Try and get back control.
1. Do not let her sit on the fence. That only hurts you more. Trust me, one of the best things I did early on is push her off. Whichever side she lands on, it'll be tough, but limbo is far tougher.
2. No matter the outcome, it WILL get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now. I know you feel like you are in hell. Take care of yourself and your kids, stay strong, but know it's OK to hurt, to cry, to get angry, to feel. Post here early and often. We are all here for you.
3. This is NOT your fault. You will feel guilt, have those "what if I did this or that" questions go through your head, etc. I still go there often, and SI helps bring me back. The affair is 100% on the wayward. This is NOT your fault.
[This message edited by SoulHurts at 1:35 PM, March 17th (Monday)]