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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Newbie here (4months in / still obsessing)
♀ 42814
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out 4 months ago my H was having a year long affair with a women at his workplace. I have agreed to give it some time before making a decision ... of course I haven't tossed him out and I am hopeful we can move forward. We have 3 kids, been married 11 years.

He has been trying to do everything right, I have actually been surprised by his actions. It seems the affair had gone on long enough to run its course naturally and he was "trying" *cough cough* to end it before I found the emails.

We have been to 6 couples counseling sessions (his company will pay for that many)

He has officially ended it in writing, it took 2 emails for her to get the picture (both approved by me.) a few weeks after the first one she left him a voice mail about how she was an emotional train wreck, and he never did say if they couldn't still be he called me right away and we wrote another. They still work for the same company but do not necessarily have to see each other often. He has been coming home daily with *contact reports* for me. There was some contact at first as he delegated his responsibilities that would include her to other people. (that contact was limited to email and group discussions) but hell who knows the truth here...

Anyway, the point of my post... I have read through many of the posts here, and *how long does this take* is a common question with no answer haha.

I guess I am seeking advice on obsessing over every detail. At first I asked him daily...berated him, needed more more more...I was horrible and mean and angry ... he deserves it...and I just NEEDED TO KNOW everything. that seems to have settled down to about less than once a week...maybe longer between days like this and I am less mean and angry... Like I am now able to shake the thoughts and questions out of my head more because I know they really serve no purpose but to cause me pain reliving it over and over.

However this past week was BAD I have started to have panic attacks and thoughts seem to come out of no where..

Though I have partially narrow where this came from down to; on the Wednesday he had to go into work late for a presentation (first time since D-Day) she was not there or involved...I know he was there because he gave me access to his live work security log (he works in a high security place) and you have to swipe to get anywhere and pass through security guards (he was there the whole time, she was not) he called me several times while there and even offered to secretly turn on his phone so I could hear it all. An hour before he had to leave I just lost it, couldn't breath..etc. which pisses me off and makes me feel weak.

Anyway, it seems to have stirred up everything again for me. My problem is I can see the toll it is taking on him after 4 months. I find myself caring that it is taking a toll on him...his shame and guilt...then I get pissed at myself for giving a shit about it or how he feels..

I don't want to push him away, but I also don't want to hold it all in... I pictured us going through this together stronger on the other side...but maybe there comes a point when I should just stop talking to him about it? maybe I need my own private counselor? or is this still common at month 4 and I should cut myself some slack.

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, welcome. You will find many great folks here with equally good advice.

At 4 months I think you are doing well to get out of bed and dressed everyday. Seriously. This is some overwhelming, life altering shit. It takes time, and a lot of it, and hard work for both of you to reach a point where it won't be the center of your world every minute of every day.

If you are concerned that you aren't getting there fast enough then just remember you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of your M as you rebuild it and try to start fresh.
I do think that IC for both of you is a great idea if you find therapy helpful. You need better coping skills in dealing with your anger other than berating him. Yes he deserves it, but it is also counterproductive. He could use it to figure out why he walked down the infidelity path to begin with.

I am a big proponent of figuring out the WS's whys. Without that, I feel you are at a much greater risk of repeat performances. And that's not a concert I care to attend more than once.

Be kind, and be patient with yourself. You should be making you a priority, and doing something nice for yourself every single day. This stuff takes a toll, and you get tired of dealing with it, and it's ok to shelve it for a day or two, then a week or two, then a month or two, then a year or so. It will not always be the center of your relationship, it will makes it way to the periphery as you both heal.

(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13164 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Listen, at four months, you are still going to have HUGE swings up and down on the emotional rollercoaster that you never wanted to ride in the first place. That's common. You'll have times when you have it pretty much together and then something will trigger you and BAM, up and down. You're not going crazy. I still have swings at almost 2 years out. And your WH working with the OW doesn't make it any easier.

I truly and honestly would suggest that you both get individual counseling (IC). It's really helpful in getting a safe place to let it all out and to try to figure out what your triggers are, how to deal with them, and how to start healing. For him, it's going to be a good place for him to figure out why he thought that committing adultery was such a great idea.

To get though this together and to try to help each other heal, you are going to have to feel what you feel and talk about it, and he is going to have to suck it up and see your hurt. No, you do not want to go out of your way to hurt him or "punish" him, but part of the consequences that a remorseful WS has to go through is to see the harm that they have caused. This is where both of you having ICs will help you both to work out some of these feelings and swings in a supportive atmosphere.

Keep coming back often for support. We're all here for you!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9901 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 42814
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your response. It helps to know I am not crazy!

My anger was extreme in the beginning... I am a sensitive feely person, I can be overwhelmed by any extreme feelings. In the first 2 weeks I look back and regret 3 conversations so so much. I said things I never thought I could say to or about the man I love. I wish I could take it back especially now 4 months in and starting to understand from all of our conversations that his actions might well stem from self esteem issues.

Since then I should use the word badgering maybe not berating...once a week or so just asking the same questions over and over about who, what, when...etc.

ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42814
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the IC encouragement. I think I am going to take the plunge and spend the money (it will be hard on our budget)

With the recent panic attacks I have been wondering if I have moved into some more PTSD thing, or maybe it is just a BS thing..

I couldn't sleep for a long time, I lost 30lbs. I had AF for like 30 straight days. My body might just give out if I don't try and move forward.

ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. This is very new and your emotions are going to be all over the place for some time, and that is normal. He sounds like he is doing what he needs to do and in that you are very lucky. Many waywards do not. Individual counseling would probably be good for you. You need to be able to vent. You can also do that here. There will be times when you are so, so, angry at him and here is a good place to voice those feelings.

The more you guys talk the better. The more he explains about his feelings the better. It takes two to five years to get through this and he needs to know that so he doesn't think you are just punishing him for the heck of it.

There are great books available, and also the healing library on this site.

Take it one day at a time. You will obsess for a long time, but it will get better. Hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes, this is totally normal. You were triggering--it is a trauma you went through, and going back there in your mind causes a reaction that is very difficult to control. Try to give in to it in the best way possible--fighting the feelings won't help, they must come out. But you could take up running or kickboxing, or find some healing, comforting routine (bubble baths, etc) to help place you in a better mindframe. Do keep discussing it with him but maybe set certain parameters, like the conversations happen at a certain time, or are only a certain length. You can ask your WH to be patient and if he's remorseful, and you don't lash out to unrelated topics, he should be there for you without question.

It is not easy but you are doing great. The swings are unavoidable but will eventually lessen. Four months is very, very early. Forgive yourself for struggling and treat yourself as gently as possible while simultanously knowing you are strong enough to survive this.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen not sleeping and loosing weight go with all this too. And if you are still struggling with it go to your Dr and tell them what's up. No shame in getting a little pharam support. if you haven't been tested for stds then get that done as well.

Sleep deprivation is bad and will make you more emotional and less able to make good decisions and judgments.
Make sure you are gettin enough Protein even if you aren't feeling like eating.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13164 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt much of the "obsession" that you feel. Four months is just in the starting gates. I was quite an emotional mess. At six months, I would start crying on my way home from work.

For me, it's almost two years since I found out but your post still makes me cry. I think it helps to have a private counselor. My WS was not remorseful AT ALL. WS started a new family before he moved out and now they are living together. Their baby was born before Christmas. There is very much a grieving process. It's as if my WS died. He is dead from my life and I cry as I write this.

Posts: 209 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
♂ 42216
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing great! Nearly a quarter century here and the PTSD is still with me, but so is my ever suffering fww.
Actually, I should rephrase that to read we are both very lucky to still be together in spite of all the pain, hurt and suffering.
Four months is nothing, trying not to minimalize your pain, but you are doing extremely well! Keep on track and keep coming here because everyone is here to help and encourage you.
I wish you the best of luck.

I just read a poem on hufipufi's post and it brought tears to my eyes still. I wish I had the guts to have my fww read it too. I don't want both of us crying tonight.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 10:22 PM, March 17th (Monday)]

Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
♀ 40212
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are doing great and everything you are feeing is normal. I am 8 months out. My D Day was 7/31 and I can say that at 8 months, I am feeling better. Ask all those questions !!! Get it all out in the open. I also asked a zillion questions. My "H" also had a long term affair, but he met the OW from the internet. I can say to take care of your health. I feel that the stress took a huge hit on my health...but everyday I am getting better and so will you !!! Your "H" should be willing to answer all questions. He needs to realize that you will have anger. I also suggest that you go to therapy on your own as well. I told my "H" that it is ALL about me now. That he took my "peace" away and I am taking it back. Do not question if you are normal. Of course you are normal !!! Your "H" is the one who is lucky you are trying to work it out and not kicking him to the curb. I still have moments where I obsess, but I have learned that it just robs me of my "peace" that I want back so desperately. Think about what you want, what you feel !!! Take care of YOU. You are doing great and you are going to be fine. HUGS to you

Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 42000
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


All your feelings and emotions are quite normal we have all gone through them (are still going through them)

You have recognised for yourself that the need to berate and question has lessened already so that trend will continue. However, there will also be times when the whole thing just erupts again and you feel like you are back at day 1 this is also normal and will continue to happen for a while. 4 months is not long and it sounds like you are doing incredibly well.
It sounds as if your husband is being very supportive and realises what he needs to do to help you heal, that is great and I am happy for you.
It is a long road we are all on, sometimes we have nice long smooth bits, then along comes a patch of rubble that knocks us off course for a while, we just have to learn how to cope with it all.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Topic Posts: 12

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