Byefornow, our DDays are similar as are the circumstances with finding out-- I knew something was wrong and went looking for his phone. It wasn't where it normally was on the charger so I called it and that's when he knew I knew something was up. He was in bed and heard it ringing, asking why I was looking for his phone. The next morning he texted me from work saying we had to talk. I was so afraid that he was going to say he was leaving me. While he was on his way home I looked at the phone records and that's when I saw the texts and phone calls, hundreds of minutes and hundreds of texts in the span of 11 days. I was able to find out who it was through reverse directory and found her FB and found out all I needed to know about her. She was definitely pursuing my H and she works fast I have to say.
Like Veronique mentioned, our H's are human and they need to hear how much we love and appreciate them. That is how this started in my case was that we started taking each other for granted and started drifting apart. He wasn't happy and I wasn't happy-- but not THAT unhappy that I would have had an EA with someone. This lady was very predatory and very flattering. She knew what she was doing. Before he even told me a thing about her, I knew it because I know how my H is. He is clueless about women of her sort and he got sucked in through her ego boosting, and from there they started sharing personal info about their frustrations in their relationships.
Even though I didn't see the texts, I could tell by analyzing the incoming/outgoing pattern that she was the initiator in all this. Not to excuse him, he could have stopped it but did not.
Riding--I had a million questions too and he has answered them but he doesn't want to dwell-- I tend to take a long time to process things and tend to ask the same questions over and over. I have stopped asking because I feel I got all I needed. I don't really know why I started thinking about what the texts said.
Hannah-- that is my fear, that I would find out something I didn't know or something that would really destroy me-- not that I would expect to but it is possible that I would find something that I couldn't un-read and then what would I do. I feel like I've made a lot of progress since DDAy and don't know why I would want to add something to set me back.
Peacelove--- my H works in a number of different facilities and so does not have much contact with COW at all. The work environment he is in it seems that there are a lot of divorced and or people who have affairs-- I guess the work world has changed since I was in it-- but now he knows exactly what caused this, between his inappropriate sharing of personal info and letting his boundaries be unclear-- he is sure he will never do that again.
I know he is just as hurt as I was, I know that sounds wrong because he caused it-- but in looking back he says I will never understand the pain he is in because of the pain he caused me. I guess reading those words I just typed I should feel ashamed that I want to keep beating a dead horse! What is wrong with me. I read so many stories on SI that are so much worse and so much more painful. I really do consider myself lucky and consider that this was a wakeup call for us both. Our relationship has gotten better and I think it will end up in a much better place on the other side of all this.
Hearmeroar-- glad you found your "peeps", I find it helps to find similar situations and how others were able to deal with them and find a way to resolve things. While I never would wish any of this on anyone, I am so glad that I have found a place where I know I can vent, get help and help others too.
*edit* I left out a note to Wehaditall-- Yes, the biggest struggle is in myself-- that is the cliff note version of everything I just said above!! Thank you for the clarity!!
I think I addressed everything I set out-- see why I don't post much, I just go on and on forever!
[This message edited by 4better4worse at 1:27 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]