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WH complete waste of space

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charliboy321 posted 3/17/2014 15:08 PM

hello everyone, long time reader first post, would like to know if others have experienced this.
WH left 3 years ago,the day i found out about the texting,picture messages to a coworker. i got the ilybinilwu speech and she was just a close friend and nothing was going on but that he felt he wanted to sleep with her. he told the kids promised them he would always be there for them and me, if we needed him we were to just ring.

that lasted for about a month then the kids found out about OW as they overheard me on the phone to a friend. they confronted him to find out wth was going on, and he withdrew completely from them. At the same time as this happening all his family members stopped talking to both mysel and them, including his parents.

now over the last few years i have extended the olive branch to his parents on a few occasions as my children would like them in their lives, they accept for a short while and then pull away completely for many months (they live 5 mins away)with no explanation as to why.

WH spends approx 3 months in any one year texting to them, but no visits or calls. he lives in the same town as us and works just down the road. if one of them (3 teenageers )says something he dont like to hear, or tells him something he dont want to hear he breaks all contact. it is the chidren that contact him to start the texting as they miss him. he tells them that he misses and loves them loads but dont do anything to change the situation. he does pay the minimum child support (england)which i give to them as an allowance.
At present we are in a no contact period as back in sept, dd2 told him about medical appointments for an ongoing health problem, he didnt like the fact that he didnt know that she was still seeing doctors, so broke all contact. he sends no birthay ,christmas cards or acknowledges any special days at all. he says this is because they dont send him a birthday card,fathers day card.
the children have tried so many times to have the contact but it is always him that breaks it, then promises the next time things will change and he wont let them down again.

he moved in with the OW within 2 months of ddday and as far as i know he still lives with her and her family, she has 1dd and 1ds at home, and 1 dd who lives with her partner. both dds are in their mid 20s and the ds is the same age as our youngest.

when we were together bar the last couple of years he was a brilliant dad and did loads with them, drove them every weekend and a few week nights to the clubs that they were involved in. took them places and generally spent time with them, they were all really close. the last few years he pulled away from them after a bereavement hit him hard and he became more distanced. he started spending everyday at the gym and became a bit of a health nerd, stopped smoking and eating rubbish. we accepted that as he needed to deal with the death in is own way. i did suggest counselling for him and us but he refused.i have no contact with him i have seen him maybe 3 times in the last 2 years. 1 when dd2 was in hospital and he ignored me completely and then nearly got thrown out for his language infront of the other patients, 1 time i bumped into him and OW in a shop and he nearly had a nervous breakdown when i and a friend stoodd behind him in the queue. OW didnt recognise me as i had lost weight an changed my hair and i had only seen her at functions. and the last time i had knee surgery and he came to the house to see dds.

sorry for the long post but wanted to give as much information as possible, so what makes a previously loving father turn into a stranger too his children when they have tried so many times to be part of his life? WS welcome for any insight.

he has never asked them to meet OW and his new family, she is not mentioned on texts when he is in contact. his parents are in contact with kids at present.

he has missed so much in the last few years proms, exam results,starting university so many good things have happened in the childrens life that he hasnt been part off where they would have wanted him there, there has also been many lows that i have dealt with alone too.

so how do they turn their backs on their own flesh and blood without so much of backward glance? how do they live with themselves?

thank you for any insight.

DragonBunker posted 3/17/2014 15:25 PM


When I was with my ex, his older kids from a previous relationship would often do the classic move of teenage children from broken homes and would flit between parents, living several months here and several months there. Whenever they were with their mum, he would basically forget they existed. And so would his family. I mean, I would have to twist this blokes arm to get him to call them up on their birthdays. And he refused to pay child support to their mother, even going so far as refusing work so he didn't have to pay it, condemning us all to a life on benefits, which is not easy at all! All to get out of paying for his own kids. He would ignore their messages and when he did contact them, any perceived slight from them would have him banging the phone down and refusing to talk to them for literally months on end. Now, my situation with him is a bit different- I don't want his money or his contact, which probably suits him fine. But your ex sounds like mine in the sense that he thinks his kids owe him something and not that he owes it to them to be a good parent. I can't say anything helpful, just can let you know that I understand how frustrating it is.

norabird posted 3/17/2014 16:42 PM

There is no answer except for his being, in fact, a complete waste of space. I'm so sorry. I don't know how people turn off the 'parent' switch in their head. It's so sad.

You know what he is missing, too bad if he doesn't.

charliboy321 posted 3/17/2014 16:44 PM

hi ya dragonbunker

thank you for your reply. its so frustrating isnt it. they are like overrgrown children and i can even picture him stomping his foot in anger lol.

since the day he left here he has never had them stay anywhere with him overnight and has taken them to a theme park once, thats in 3 years.

I know i wasnt perfect in the marriage but I always put him and the children first.

they so miss their dad, the eldest was 17 when he left, so had many years of good times with him and yet he walks off into the sunset without a second glance,

and yes he does seem to think that because he is their dad then he should receive cards and presents, and be told that he did nothing wrong, and that his happiness is paramount and overides anyone else. he did ask them once did they not want him to be happy, they replied they thought he was happy with mum lol after that he ignored them for a year.

if i text regarding hospital appointments, exam dates or anything else he dont respond or acknowledge so i dont bother now.

and yes he told the child support agency last year that he would give up his job if they tried to reassess him.

im sure that his beehaviour isnt normal and neither is your exs as there are many on this board that would do anything to get more time with their children. yet ours choose not too.

were they always this way and we just didnt see it?

charliboy321 posted 3/17/2014 18:20 PM

im sorry norabird i didn't see your reply, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

that's the bit that baffles me is how do they switch the im a parent off, I know I couldn't do it of I wanted too.

it is so sad, he is missing out on them becoming wonderful young adults with so much to look forward too. We were very close to the whole of WH family extended and immediate yet they were cut of when the s**t hit the fan. It was him that had the affair yet according to his family he has done no wrong as he has told them he didnt sleep with her before he left so he didn't actually have an affair.

There were many times at the beginning that i didnt think we would be where we are now, as a family, they went off the rails badly. they were angry at him,his family, me, and questioning what was wrong with them that dad didnt want anything to do with them.
now when good things happen for them they are always a little sad that he isnt there to experience it with them.

I used to put a lot of blame on the OW as there was no way that he would do that to his children, now I know that he is fully to blame.

my dd2 said he was very lucky to find an OW with the exact same combination of children, so that he could replace his old family with the new one lol

lastdance posted 3/17/2014 18:56 PM

that is it.....he can do this to his own children because in his 'mind' the ow children 'need' him and his own do not...they give him the same feelings he needs to experience to feel like a dad,,,,,he is not interested in his children,,,,im sorry but they should not have any contact with him...why should your kids be insulted,degraded and ignored all the time,,,,do not let them go through this pain over and over again...that is cruel punishment....enough...he left his family...he left....he is gone and never coming back....your kids are going to need therapy for life if you let them be abused this way all the is what it is...move on...DADDY IS GONE AND HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE is the truth and it hurts but you have to take your kids life

lastdance posted 3/17/2014 18:59 PM

sorry.......back and make them see what reality is....he does not want to be in their lives ,he is just making excuses......teach your kids to move forward and look ahead......not to live in the past......the dad and husband you knew is gone

RightTrack posted 3/17/2014 22:41 PM

It's the same thing that gets them involved in affairs; pure selfishness. When my WH was involved in his affair he spent zero time with the kids and little time with me. I guess we were too much "work". Responsibility and reality interfere with all the selfish fantasy. Hopefully he'll wake up.

phoenixrise posted 3/17/2014 23:45 PM

Hi charliboy when I read your post I couldn't help but think...sounds like my dad...he was in and out of our lives on his time...whenever he felt like it...I just came to realize that it was just his personality that's just who he was...a selfish a child and adult I welcomed any kindness he was willing to go e with open arms being that naturally you have a tie to your father...but it's hard to respect him...I just accepted him for what he is just selfish plain and simple...I try to empathize by saying he had a rough upbringing and he is who he is...there is nothing I can do really just roll with the punches...I know...different and maybe odd perspective but hope that helps

charliboy321 posted 3/18/2014 03:54 AM

LASTDANCE thank you for your reply, i agree with you that he no longer wants to be their dad, and when he does contact he just pretends to be interested in them. when the reality is that his new 'children' are more important than they are.I cant control the contact as they all have cell phones and he contacts them direct.I hear about it afterwards. Without bad mouthing him to them i cant stop them replying to him. Hopefully they will wake up and realise that he is not worth their love.

RIGHTTRACK thank you also thats how it was for us too they dont have the time for who they are leaving behind.Only the affair family matter to them.

PHOENIXRISE thank you, yes i totally understand what you are saying thats my childhood too, although i think we only saw him about 3 times whilst growing up. But after years of affairs my dad died a lonely man with no one by his side, as he had destroyed everyone that cared for him. what a sad end to a sad life.

mavroza posted 3/18/2014 07:11 AM

What a pathetic man.
I feel sorry for him actually. In a few years he will realize what an as---le he has been but it will be too late.
Enjoy your children charliboy...he's not worth any space in your brain.

BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 08:52 AM

In a few years he will realize what an as---le he has been but it will be too late

I think he knows he's been an asshole and that's why he has little to do with them. He can't possibly try to guide them with their life problems because he can't get himself through his own. If they question him in any way (remind him that he's been a douche) then he'll pull back to avoid facing the pain of his own making rather than comfort them. In fact just seeing them probably makes him feel guilty so that's why he doesn't see them anymore.

I read the comment you made about him quitting his job to avoid CS reassessment. Are they allowed to do that in England? In the US judges don't let that sway them, it's a common attempt by the pathetic.

charliboy321 posted 3/19/2014 04:08 AM

MAVROZA i hope that day arrives when he wants hi children back and they shut the door in his face, then hopefully he will feel some of the pain that they have felt when he has dumped them.

BTRAYEDWIFE yes i think guilt has a lot to do with it, he cant look at me he puts his head down if he see me. whilst he stays away he can convince himself that its the childrens fault or that i make it difficult for him to have contact, i have no control over their cell phones, and have always encouraged contact. But one day his actions will come and bite him on the bum.
yes its quite common for absent parents to give up work to avoid paying support, in England most cases are dealt with my the agency and not by a judge. so they can easily give up work, then restart a new job further down the line, then the whole process starts again. The arrears are backdated but very hard to get them to pay if they are of that mindset. its only usually the most pathetic and selfish people that do this, but its happens a lot.

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