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How many red flags does a person need?

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sparkysable posted 3/17/2014 15:33 PM

So a friend of mine signs up for OKCupid. She's telling me about this guy she has been talking to, and is planning to go on a date with. He's wonderful. He's perfect. He's too good to be true!

I tell her to give me his name, and I'll do some investigating. I am REALLY good at it, and I've often considered becoming a PI

So, I find that in 2011 he was charged with burglary, assault, and strangulation. Here is what the report said:


(OKC guy), 39, of (city) was charged with second-degree burglary, second-degree strangulation, two counts of third-degree assault and fourth-degree criminal mischief Tuesday at 3:30 a.m. Officers were called to (address) for a reported fight. When they arrived they found two injured men who said they were assaulted by (OKC guy) after he allegedly kicked down a door to an apartment. One of the men also said (OKC guy) allegedly strangled him until he lost consciousness. Officers found (OKC guy) a short time later and took him into custody. He was taken to the city jail.

Pardon me???

And then, as if that wasn't enough, he was charged with domestic violence assault in 2004, but those charges were dismissed.

I don't give a shit if the DV assault was dismissed or not, that's a big enough red flag on it's own, let alone breaking in to someone's apartment and strangling them to unconsciousness??

She still went out with him anyway. I was like "you're going out with him???" She replies "It's just bowling." Really.

What does it take? How many red flags does one woman need?

GabyBaby posted 3/17/2014 15:38 PM

Ten years later, when asked if she ever had a clue that he could be violent, she'll respond, "No! It seems like overnight he just changed!"

cmego posted 3/17/2014 15:43 PM

That is desperation talking. I google the heck out of each guy I agreed to go on a date with.

littlefoggy posted 3/17/2014 15:45 PM

She went out with him?


Will you do all investigating of every OLDate any of us go on?

InnerLight posted 3/17/2014 15:49 PM

That is low self esteem. It's like telling yourself I am not worth the most basic protection from low lifes. So sad.

tryingagain74 posted 3/17/2014 16:36 PM

The fact that you probably saved me from what would have only been a minor embarrassment-- and that's only if I had bothered pursuing anything-- definitely taught me that knowledge is power.

sparkysable, you are hired as my dating PI if I actually find a straight guy that I'm interested in and that is interested in me!

Nature_Girl posted 3/17/2014 16:36 PM

Please PM me and tell me what websites or services you use to find this info out!

mixedemotions posted 3/18/2014 00:16 AM

Please PM me and tell me what websites or services you use to find this info out!

Me too please!! Or, if you wouldn't mind getting a PM with a name once I start dating someone new

SBB posted 3/18/2014 05:39 AM

What does it take? How many red flags does one woman need?

It too ignored the red flags about his previous relationships. Infidelity in all of them.

But I was special, don'tcha know.

You can lead a horse to water....

EvenKeel posted 3/18/2014 07:09 AM

Yep - she got all caught up and is choosing to ignore the facts.

Like you - I internet research the heck outta any OLD. Most ppl are legit but there are lots of crazies out there. I instantly blocked the guy who showed up on the $exual predator list and the guy who did a hit and run on an Amish horse and buggy

Ohhhh...then there was the guy presenting himself as divorced who was really dual-registered on a site looking for a threesome with him and his wife.

Love the internet!!!!

Be safe out there!!!!

ProbableIceCream posted 3/18/2014 08:36 AM

So many benefits to being single and not dating. :)

sparkysable posted 3/18/2014 09:32 AM

I do have a subscription to a service, but really, I have found the majority of stuff just by google-ing!

Ladies! For crying out loud, do some research, for your own safety!

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. People are capable of change, but for the most part, people are who they are. Don't make excuses.

sparkysable posted 3/19/2014 11:11 AM

So she tells me that the date went really well, and they are going to go out again, but she's definitely going to be on guard.

My response: "You know that someone breaking down a door and choking someone to unconsciousness is a pretty bad sign, correct? And that abusive behaivor doesn't come out until much later, right?"

Her response: "Yes, which is why I'll proceed with caution."

Proceed with caution? Did she not read the police report that I found? Of course he's going to be on good behavior in the beginning, to get his victim hooked!

It's so frustrating, to see your friend making a giant mistake, and going through with it anyway. And there's nothing you can do but watch the mess from the sidelines.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:54 PM, March 21st (Friday)]

Sad in AZ posted 3/19/2014 11:26 AM

OK; I get what you're saying about being cautious and doing your research. However, these were arrests not convictions. There is a big difference.

I know of several members on this site who were arrested for domestic violence by vengeful exes or stbx. I also know of friends who were arrested for assault, and the incidents turned out to be self-defense. I myself was recently charged with an offense that was an isolated incident, but I'll be branded with it for the rest of my life.

I will grant you that two charges for the same person are a lot to overcome, and since this is a stranger, your friend, since she has chosen to proceed, should proceed with extreme caution, but shouldn't anyone dating someone they don't know from Adam?

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:26 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

GabyBaby posted 3/19/2014 11:37 AM

However, these were arrests not convictions. There is a big difference.

I agree- to a point.
Arrests can show behaviors (or, when combined with other habits) potential behavioral patterns that are undesireable in a mate. Whether he was convicted or not, do you want a mate that could potentially blow up your finances due to legal fees? Do you want a mate with potential anger issues?

Being arrested once could be a "wrong place, wrong time" thing, but two or more times? I don't think so...
Dating (if you're looking for a mate) is supposed to be a tool to weed out the bad eggs. This egg already smells rotten.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:41 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

roughroadahead posted 3/20/2014 18:15 PM

That's actually a little odd. "Strangulation" is not a crime in my state, but we'll call it felonious assault and a third degree felony. First degree if we call it attempted murder. Burglary can go all the way up to first degree felony too. So, given that he racked up some pretty serious charges, and given that ham sandwiches can, in fact, be indicted, what the heck happened? Those are not dismissed lightly, and an offense that serious isn't going to vanish because the victim doesn't want to "press charges". And a disposition (trial outcome or plea) is much easier to find than a police report.

While it isn't worth worrying about for the sake of a date on OLD, there's more to that than meets the eye.

million pieces posted 3/22/2014 09:10 AM

Two different charges, two different times, two different sets of people (assuming the domestic charge wasn't against those dudes he tried to strangle). One time, maybe, just maybe, I'd be cautious, twice, run far away.

I have kids, I don't want this drama in my life. I don't care if it was trumped up charges, someone in his life (if it isn't him) is batshit crazy and I don't want that near my life let alone my kids.

There are a shitload of people out there without one violent charge filed against them let alone two. Is dating that bad where you live?

CheshCat posted 3/22/2014 21:02 PM

There's this psychological concept that we all do to one degree or another. It has a lot of different nicknames
- Never gonna happen to me
- Blame the victim

Are two of them.

What it is, is a self defense mechanism.
It tries to add control where there is none.
It assigns blame to other people when something bad happens to them, and cause / removes blame when something bad happens to us.

SHE slipped because she's careless.
***I*** slipped because there was black ice.

It doesn't matter how often people HEAR that abusive jerks can actually (are are usually) charming people. Because they're manipulative.


We meet them.
We like them.
So CLEARLY this is a nice guy.
It won't happen to me.
It was her own fault / a good reason why he did XYZ.

Really... You just can't stop people from thinking that they are special, and different, and the bad thing won't happen to them.


sparkysable posted 3/23/2014 08:40 AM

The 2011 charge occurred near our hometown. The 2004 DV charges occurred out of state.

One of either one of these, I could see *maybe* (though I'm one to see a red flag and throw in the towel) it was a misunderstanding or a heat of the moment occurrence, a trumped up charge, etc.

But 2 different occurrences of an apparently violent behavior? Not a chance.

This friend of mine has a 5 year old daughter that she should be concerned about also.

If *I* ever bring someone around my daughter, they sure as hell better not have giant screaming violent red flags.

trying_2_recover posted 3/23/2014 15:17 PM

I kind of agree with Sad, were these just arrests or convictions? Also I have a nephew who has now got a DV arrest on his record, he did not hit his girlfriend and in fact they are still together but they got into a fight and he hit her car with his fist and dented it so she called the police. They both agree this is what happened. However my nephew has no respect for police so mouthed off to and yelled at the cops making the whole thing worse. That said he does have a whole ton of red flags about him IMO but the one he was actually arrested for is not one of them.

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