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Tonight's conversation is likely the end of our marriage

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heavyheart1 posted 3/18/2014 02:55 AM

Where to start? It's been a tough two years. After counselling, my husband got accepted into grad school overseas. He, of course, saw it as a way to fix things, and I saw it as a huge gamble. But I also knew it was double or nothing, so I threw my chips on the table.

Now, a year later, I've had to cope with a lot or stress and loneliness on top of the marriage problems. We never had full disclosure, and I still believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal, so tried to put it behind me. That clearly didn't work.

We've always had communications issues, mainly him neglecting to keep me in the loop and make decisions together. But I'm now looking back and seeing what is lying by omission and possibly gaslighting.

Recently, he neglected to inform me that he was taking his visiting brother-in-law out while visiting one evening, and on top of it complete omitted the fact that he had invited all his 20-something uni friends to come. And not me. This, naturally, triggered all my mistrust issues and sent me of the edge. I admittedly didn't handle it well, and had trouble talking about it all, especially since I would have to reveal my snooping sources.

It's been a few days, and things haven't gotten better. Tempers flared and we can't even talk about it. This morning, in an attempt to open the window, I left my journal out with a note for him to read it. While I was at work, he deleted his relationship status. I'm heading home now, likely to discuss the end of our relationship.

I guess there's not much you can do to help. I'm just in need of a little support, no matter what happens tonight. And I'm FINALLY reading "Not Just Friends" and feeling less alone in my feelings and frustrations these past 18 months and needing to reconnect with my SI family.

[This message edited by heavyheart1 at 2:58 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

mesoSTUPID posted 3/18/2014 03:12 AM

(((Hugs))) to you...

cannibal posted 3/18/2014 03:28 AM

HeHeavyheart1 I'm sorry to hear of this. I know how difficult R can be. I hope things don't fall apart for your family tonight but just remember there is always other men out there. Hopefully one that will be faithful to you.
I wish I have more good advice to tell you, but I'm sure others will be along to help.
(((Heavyheart1))) Things will get better!

refuz2bavictim posted 3/18/2014 03:47 AM


heavyheart1 posted 3/18/2014 06:37 AM

Yup. Pretty much as I thought. Over.

Still numb and confused.

confused615 posted 3/18/2014 07:09 AM


brokensmile322 posted 3/18/2014 07:18 AM

I am sorry heavy heart. Hugs!

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/18/2014 07:25 AM

So sorry to hear that after such a long struggle it seems that things will not work for you together. I hope that you find peace and strength and maybe not being stuck in limbo will at least help you to heal, as it seems that you were not able to do that while staying in your marriage. Please keep posting so those who have been where you are can help you through. (((heavyheart)))

nowiknow23 posted 3/18/2014 07:29 AM

((((heavyheart)))) I'm so sorry, honey.

sisoon posted 3/18/2014 09:54 AM


Do you have IRL support close? Far away? Wherever your IRL support is, I hope you connect with the folks who love you.

meplusfour posted 3/18/2014 11:32 AM


Take care of yourself.

LivinginLimbo posted 3/18/2014 12:10 PM

(((heavyheart)) For him to have changed his relationship status is immature, cold and heartless.

I am sorry. It sounds like he still has a terrible sense of entitlement. It's a no-win situation when there's no compassion.

BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 12:25 PM

I'm so sorry!

believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal

You were set up to fail. You can't heal if you think they are still keeping things from you. I'm sorry someone convinced you that you were taking too long.

Sending you strength! (((heavyheart1))

deena04 posted 3/18/2014 12:56 PM

I am so sorry. One day at a time...

heavyheart1 posted 3/18/2014 23:01 PM

Thanks for all the love and support everyone. It's dark days.

But I thought I'd share some words from our former MC.

"... All I can say to you is that you need to be honest with yourself about what you want your life to look like. It seems like not much has changed, and that some things may have actually gotten more difficult between you two. If this is true, you have to think that maybe this is what it is going to be, and it can't get any better. Can you be happy as you are right now? You deserve happiness. Make the life that you want and feel entitled to it."

Jrazz posted 3/18/2014 23:23 PM


Brokenhearted49 posted 3/19/2014 04:45 AM

I am so terrilbly sorry you have to go through this. At least you can honestly say that you more than kept up your end of the bargain. I know you can get past this heartbreak and find happiness again. Surround yourself with those who love you and you will come out on the other end stronger and happier. My sincerest thoughts and prayers to you. Please dont despair. "When a door closes, God opens window" Find your new window and be happy. Best wishes.

JaneDeaux posted 3/19/2014 05:53 AM

So sorry!

Gunsmith posted 3/19/2014 08:23 AM

Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone

Gunsmith posted 3/19/2014 08:24 AM

Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone

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