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User Topic: Tonight's conversation is likely the end of our marriage
heavyheart1
♀ 37496
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where to start? It's been a tough two years. After counselling, my husband got accepted into grad school overseas. He, of course, saw it as a way to fix things, and I saw it as a huge gamble. But I also knew it was double or nothing, so I threw my chips on the table.

Now, a year later, I've had to cope with a lot or stress and loneliness on top of the marriage problems. We never had full disclosure, and I still believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal, so tried to put it behind me. That clearly didn't work.

We've always had communications issues, mainly him neglecting to keep me in the loop and make decisions together. But I'm now looking back and seeing what is lying by omission and possibly gaslighting.

Recently, he neglected to inform me that he was taking his visiting brother-in-law out while visiting one evening, and on top of it complete omitted the fact that he had invited all his 20-something uni friends to come. And not me. This, naturally, triggered all my mistrust issues and sent me of the edge. I admittedly didn't handle it well, and had trouble talking about it all, especially since I would have to reveal my snooping sources.

It's been a few days, and things haven't gotten better. Tempers flared and we can't even talk about it. This morning, in an attempt to open the window, I left my journal out with a note for him to read it. While I was at work, he deleted his relationship status. I'm heading home now, likely to discuss the end of our relationship.

I guess there's not much you can do to help. I'm just in need of a little support, no matter what happens tonight. And I'm FINALLY reading "Not Just Friends" and feeling less alone in my feelings and frustrations these past 18 months and needing to reconnect with my SI family.

[This message edited by heavyheart1 at 2:58 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
mesoSTUPID
♀ 35679
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs))) to you...


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
cannibal
♂ 40560
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeHeavyheart1 I'm sorry to hear of this. I know how difficult R can be. I hope things don't fall apart for your family tonight but just remember there is always other men out there. Hopefully one that will be faithful to you.
I wish I have more good advice to tell you, but I'm sure others will be along to help.
(((Heavyheart1))) Things will get better!


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((heavyheart))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
heavyheart1
♀ 37496
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. Pretty much as I thought. Over.

Still numb and confused.


BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((heavyheart1)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry heavy heart. Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Jun 2012
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to hear that after such a long struggle it seems that things will not work for you together. I hope that you find peace and strength and maybe not being stuck in limbo will at least help you to heal, as it seems that you were not able to do that while staying in your marriage. Please keep posting so those who have been where you are can help you through. (((heavyheart)))


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((heavyheart)))) I'm so sorry, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26476 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heavyheart1)))

Do you have IRL support close? Far away? Wherever your IRL support is, I hope you connect with the folks who love you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10754 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((heavyheart1))

Take care of yourself.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
LivinginLimbo
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heavyheart)) For him to have changed his relationship status is immature, cold and heartless.

I am sorry. It sounds like he still has a terrible sense of entitlement. It's a no-win situation when there's no compassion.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Mar 2012
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry!

believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal

You were set up to fail. You can't heal if you think they are still keeping things from you. I'm sorry someone convinced you that you were taking too long.

Sending you strength! (((heavyheart1))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. One day at a time...


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1305 | Registered: Dec 2013
heavyheart1
♀ 37496
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the love and support everyone. It's dark days.

But I thought I'd share some words from our former MC.

"... All I can say to you is that you need to be honest with yourself about what you want your life to look like. It seems like not much has changed, and that some things may have actually gotten more difficult between you two. If this is true, you have to think that maybe this is what it is going to be, and it can't get any better. Can you be happy as you are right now? You deserve happiness. Make the life that you want and feel entitled to it."


BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hh1)))))


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18682 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Brokenhearted49
♀ 39243
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so terrilbly sorry you have to go through this. At least you can honestly say that you more than kept up your end of the bargain. I know you can get past this heartbreak and find happiness again. Surround yourself with those who love you and you will come out on the other end stronger and happier. My sincerest thoughts and prayers to you. Please dont despair. "When a door closes, God opens window" Find your new window and be happy. Best wishes.


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
JaneDeaux
♀ 42630
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry!


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast USA
Gunsmith
42761
Member # 42761
Content  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
Gunsmith
42761
Member # 42761
Content  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
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