"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

joannie posted 3/18/2014 08:00 AM

Well after a great couple of weeks, quiet from our son ( and his wife who i think I am beginning to hate, which is so sad...)today our son started again saying he was telling the truth about something he said to me when i lived there for a few days last year when it all was going on with my husband and the OW. He told me that i could go and live in Canada ( we have family there ) and now he is denying it again...my husband cannot decide who is telling the truth...I feel he should believe me as I have many faults but do not lie.
It is as if they want to cause us problems and i know my d in law does not like me from all she has done, things she has said about my Husband to me and about me to him.
I love my son dearly but cannot understand why over this he would lie unless she is behind it.
Each time i start to pick myself up it starts again, brings it all back again to the top, it is never more than a bit behind but sometimes i let myself believe all is good, hard to do but it s all i want to believe. Why can't they leave us alone, I love my husband and it hard enough with the ow being so close but with my son as well i feel myself sinking again . smoking hard and down in the dumps once more having started to climb out of them 1%. Now down in them again.
My d in law is sneaky and can do wonders on computers which she has said i did at the time when all i know is the very basics......need my husband to believe in me as i am doing in him

confused615 posted 3/18/2014 08:09 AM

Why does it matter if last year your son said you could move to Canada? Why is this causing problems?

Im not sure I understand, but if your WH was having an affair, then you would be perfectly within your rights to move to Canada..or any damn place you wanted.

It sounds like you need to distance yourself from your son and DIL. At least for now.

You said you are believing in your husband. Why? What is he doing to earn your trust back?

BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 08:16 AM

You are not going to be able to find peace in a home built on rugsweeping. What you will have is moments of seemingly calm times, followed by reminders that things aren't right and those will flip flop from now until forever without a big change.

Push for real resolution. It's the only way to get to a stable and healthy emotional place.

I think you should be 180ing all three of them, and kicking your husband out.

joannie posted 3/18/2014 09:12 AM

It does not matter what my son said, it was last year, he should let it go. I have said he needs to come and sit with me and we sort it out, no d in law though, who said what then is not important, the fact that my h does not believe me is , it hurts. My son is saying some other stuff too, why ??? the past is dead now, wish we had the money to move, wish i was believed. You would think by now mt H would know that i cannot lie, i go red, twitch etc, and i have always believed in saying the truth,

refuz2bavictim posted 3/18/2014 10:08 AM

Joannie, you are in a very dysfunctional setting.

Your WH seems like he is the common denominator in all of this toxicity.

If he would simply refuse to answer questions about your relationship to ANYONE outside of it, there would not be this who said what when business. It's bad enough that he brought an AP into the M, he certainly needs to stop talking with your son about it.

Your WH should want to see harmony between you and your son. Yet he supports conflict, by not believing you, when you KNOW he has no reason. Liars don't believe anyone. They think others lie just as they do, about matters both great and small.

Your WH is at the center of these conflicts, putting you against your own son, and it is a way for him to keep from dealing with his own transgressions.

((joannie))

SpecialK posted 3/18/2014 17:23 PM

Joannie, I don't know your story, but from what you posted, your son comes to your house and accuses you of lying? What the hell? First off, you are his mother, where does he get off calling you a liar? Secondly, why do you care what your husband thinks, he IS a LIAR, and a CHEATER, so who gives a rat's ass what he thinks? He isn't someone who has the right qualities to judge anyone else as to their character.

Tell your son he isn't welcome in your home until he learns some respect. In fact that may be your problem. You need to DEMAND respect from your husband and son. Stop going on the defensive and start attacking back!

joannie posted 3/19/2014 02:37 AM

You are all so right..hope i gain strength to do this

Jrazz posted 3/19/2014 03:07 AM

I love my son dearly but cannot understand why over this he would lie unless she is behind it.

My inlaws think I am a manipulative mastermind that turned their son against them.

I can tell you that from where I sit, his behavior is his own. He didn't learn how to tell the truth in time to try to save his relationship with his dad or sister, and communication between them was a nightmare. It was easier for them to believe that there were outside forces at work rather than clean up all the bad feelings between them.

Your son is responsible for what he says to you and nobody else. If he is making empty promises or lying you either need to talk it out with him or get some space. Even if your daughter in law doesn't care for you and appears to have issues, your son is a grown man and his words are coming from his mouth and his brain.

That being said, I get how painful it is to think that you are supposed to be able to rely on your family and they aren't there when you need them. At the end of the day we can't count on anyone to help us out but ourselves. That doesn't mean that people in our lives are always going to let us down... you just need to find strength within yourself to last you through the times when others are focusing on themselves and can't help you out.

I'm worried that your happiness is tied to closely with your relationships. Can you find a space that is your own that brings you peace and has nothing to do with anyone else? That's the only way to not get pulled into hurt or drama.

(((joannie)))

stillhere09 posted 3/19/2014 06:30 AM

Your WH is at the center of these conflicts, putting you against your own son

This.

BtraydWife posted 3/19/2014 06:44 AM

You are all so right..hope i gain strength to do this

Recognizing this is a big step in the right direction. It is hard. None of us wanted this. Most of us wish we could go back to some "good" time and pretend this never happened. You'll come to realize that's not possible and in order to have a chance of obtaining that "good" time for the future, this mess has to be dealt with. Not brushed to the side. Sometimes we have to hurt more before we are willing to step past our own denial.

joannie posted 3/19/2014 07:26 AM

Thank you all again, before this i thought of my d in law as a friend, but have come to find out she was not, that hurt. Our eldest son is great with everything, it's our youngest who is being like this
My husband has asked him to come round and talk, but as he will say one thing and me another still will be in the same situation. If he would just let it die and say hello mum i would be content.
My husband should know me by now and says if it was anyone else saying these things he would 100% believe me.....
I know nothing about computers but am also being blamed for my d in laws searching on my Husbands work computer and finding stuff out...She says i did it ...can only just cut and paste !!!!Still all I would like is some kind of relationship with my son, and for my husband to be behind me...fingers crossed this meeting takes place to clear the air

Lovedyoumore posted 3/19/2014 12:23 PM

When faced with the A, most BS go into stealth mode and try to find out every little thing we can. Why would your son and DIL start lying about you and the A? Your family needs to get over blame shifting to you, look at themselves and their part in all of this. You are their lightning rod for some reason.

I found out long ago that people of the truth are a threat to people of the lie. People of the lie will set out to discredit the truthful person so they can continue their life of webs. You, seeking the truth, could bring their house down and they will turn their lies around on you. I fear your son has been influenced by his father to live a life of lying. Your DIL may only be reflecting back to him his own lies to keep her head above water. It is a terrible legacy.

My in-laws blamed me for all of my H's issues when in reality, it was his FOO issues that kept him from being the person he could have been. I have been the lightning rod because a family full of secrets and lies were threatened by the risk that I could expose their hypocrisy. My SIL played their games and I would not. Guess who got branded the bitch and got my children excluded from the great fam?

sisoon posted 3/19/2014 12:47 PM

joannie,

WRT what your son says, is the issue what he said, or that you disagree on whether he said it or not.

Suppose, for example, that he said it but you didn't hear it. Then what?

I read panic in pretty much all the threads you start. Have you sat down and put all the info you have into a coherent package that you can understand? Or do you feel too much pressure to do that?

Have you tried IC? Or a lawyer? Are you close enough to a population center to find a good IC or lawyer?

joannie posted 3/21/2014 10:30 AM

Yes i do panic, yes i have had some councelling to help me and it has a bit, but i let others have a hold over me which is what i need to get over, esp OW, worry gets me nowhere just down. Thanks all