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Newest Member: Alone73 (46062)

User Topic: where should I go to live
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't decide what is best for me and the kids. I know where I'd prefer to be, but it isn't necessarily what the kids may want. So, if you were leaving your spouse where would you go given these choices?

Stay in the area where you are but move closer or into Manhattan where life will be more expensive and quality of life would definitely be compromised.

Move back to where we were(another city), but kids wouldn't be in the same school, so I would have to try and get them into a parochial school or move to burbs for a public.

Or, move out west to a mountain resort where we have spent summers yearly and we ski out there.

The kids' interests are so varied and each could benefit from each location, but they could both lose opportunities in each place.

My husband refuses to let me go, and he thinks he can clean up after himself for a few weeks in order to make me happy and stay in this rotten cycle. I've got to get out. I've wasted the last 20 years of my life waiting for him to follow through. It isn't going to happen. WWYD?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Cabrona
♀ 9596
Member # 9596
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience the HARDEST thing is usually the RIGHT thing.


"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." —Bob Marley

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Caribbean
Leia
♀ 42510
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go to the place that you could best afford. You mentioned the mountain west, and I briefly tried to live there. It is a different lifestyle, and while I love, love, love living west of the Mississippi, we're known for not letting "outsiders" in too easily. It is hard to break into close-knit groups that go back generations. PM me if you want to talk about the weird social dynamics that exist out here.

My opinion-I would try to keep the kids in the same school. You have established relationships with other parents, teachers, coaches, etc. I would think that they would be the biggest supporters of your kids.

Hugs and best wishes to you.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Leia
♀ 42510
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could go to Manhattan, Ks. The Little Apple!


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The school issue...if we move back then 10yo dd's best friend is no longer at the old school. I could potentially send my 2nd grader back if they let me, but I don't know if they will take us back.

Life in a city is not cheap, but there are more options...I think. I'm stuck and frustrated.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are lots of factors, one of which is that your STBXH could prevent you from moving very far away from him. A lot of judges won't let you take the kids far away from the other parent w/o their consent. Not sure of your circumstances in that regard.

Remember that living closer to the city may provide you more opitons but if you are struggling financially then you won't be able to enjoy those options. I vote for financial security followed by relative location to family/friends.

All of that said, I'm always inclined to be far away from the city and not afraid of big moves so I would go to the mountain resort.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8556 | Registered: Apr 2008
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The jurisdiction of our marriage is in Illinois. That would be the easy decision...back to where we came from and all the familiar.
I feel like leaving the NY area might be giving up options for the kids. I have no ties to NYC or the area other than my H and his family that I have come to despise for what I think are valid reasons.

H is to the point where he says he will move, do anything to keep the family together, but I am miserable with him. At best I need a long time away from him. He hates Chicago, and he just wants to be here "living his dream". I feel like I'm being totally hoovered. I honestly don't think he cares about me or the kids as much as he cares about keeping up his "image"...the image he thinks he's portraying to the world. He thinks very highly of himself. I don't.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anywhere you could go where you could get the most support from family?

I would look at what is going to be best for everyone in the long-haul.

Kids might miss their friends, but if you stay for the friends reason....friendships with kids come and go. You could potentially stay for a friend that she might not even be friends with in a few years.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3573 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
still2suspicious
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy

If you will struggle financially to stay in NY, then all the opportunties that are there won't mean a thing if you cannot afford them. KWIM??

If moving back to family/friends will give you peace then seriously consider that.

I live in WA, we LOVE everybody. At least that's what the news tells us So come on over!!!

Also, you have young children so you will be able to fit in anywhere. It's when you don't have that school/sports avenue that can make fitting in pretty hard.

Have you made a pro/con list of each place? Maybe that will help, to see it in black and white?

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in NYC and being actually in the city makes schooling pretty stressful as far as getting our kids enrolled in a good school--there are lotteries, tests, crazy deadlines...this is mostly secondhand from my few friends with young kids, but it is definitely aggravating and frustrating to try and navigate the bureaucracy. And of course rents are crazy. I'd do a lot of research on what getting kids into the school of your choice entails before you go the Manhattan route. Some basics are here: http://www.wnyc.org/schoolbook/guides/enrollment/ (apologies if you've already done your homework...it's just so much more complicated than suburban districts AFAIK!)

Which is the option you prefer? Your kids will adjust wherever you go. Chicago is a great city with lots of opportunities too if that's where you have more roots. I hate to put down my city but I think Chicago does give it a pretty good run for its money.

No matter what, here's to your new beginning move!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved my family to AZ from LI, NY when DS was 6. He always wanted to go back to NY. In fact, when we viewed his My Space page (he was about 14 yrs old)the last line of his bio read, "And I will never forgive my parents for moving me to AZ." His dream was to move to Manhattan and live in a loft apartment.

You know what? He thrived in AZ. He eventually married a cowgirl They are moving from Atlanta to Las Vegas in a few weeks. He told me, "I miss the desert."

My point? Kids adapt. You have to do what is best for your family, and that is often what you can best afford. Do an analysis to of your wants and needs and balance that against your potential finances.

What do I know? I've moved 3 times in 4 years since I left the X. Moving is eminently do-able.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20569 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Caretaker1
♂ 42777
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there custody or visitation schedules to work out? How do your kids feel about moving far from Dad?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you move before anyone files I don't think they can do a thing about it.

I'd write the pros and cons down of each place and pick whichever would have the best overall improvement in your and your kids' lives. There is always going to be give and take no matter where you go.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2625 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote for the Chicago burbs, It's halfway between CO and NY. We have an airport that will take you anywhere. Cost of living isn't as much as NYC, and the schools are good.

You didn't say, but if you have family and friends in Chicago, all the better.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2102 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
ThisHell
♀ 37089
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are plenty of reasons to move, and I totally get kids being able to make new friends and adapt... but what about their time with their dad? Is that not an important consideration in all this? Of course we would love to be able to walk away from our WS's and never look back, but unless they are shit parents that want nothing to do with their kids, shouldn't we do what we can to make sure a good relationship with the other parent is possible? I'm not trying to be negative here...I wish I could just have up and moved to the beach like I have always wanted, but our home has been here, my ex has a business here, and it would not be fair to my kids for me to lug them 4 hours away where they'd get to see their dad they love very much only on occasion.

I think its best for kids to be near both parents when that is feasible.


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We still have a place in downtown Chicago. That would be easy. School wouldn't be easy. I think we burned the bridge where they were over tuition insurance.

I'm going to start a pro con list and see if that helps clarify anything for me. The nj attorney I saw in December said it was quire straightforward. He acted like sending the kids to nj for visitation may be a good thing for me. He seemed disgusted with my h after I gave him a brief run down.

I guess I will try to get a consult with a chicsgo attorney to clarify a fee issues. I hate this.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Topic Posts: 16

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