I posted last week about my gut reaction about New Guy's ex.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=525483
We did have a great date last week. A real "spark" happened on that date, with hot sex later. HE said, "How can I not try with you when you look at me like that" and "I feel like the lucky one here". I thought it was slightly strange that he said something about "when I give him THAT look" how could he "not try", but chalked it up to him giving me a compliment.
Anyway, the next day I texted him that he was "distracting me" and replied back that I had been on his mind all day. He couldn't work out for thinking about "our workout last night".
Then…a pull/back slight poof. It was also the weekend he is moving/starting his job/telling dd that he is deploying. A difficult weekend, and I chalked it up to so much emotional stress on his end.
We emailed a little through this, and he said we needed to have a "serious discussion about our relationship". We talked Sunday night for 3 hours and seemed to work it all out. But, still, something felt a tad bit "off" to me. I asked if he was going to tell his family about me as we were discussing what "being connected" during his deployment was going to look like. He said they were private, but he would give them my numbers. I tried to get to the bottom of the pull back, and I told him he needed to tell me when things were really stressful for him, I'd rather he talk to me. Overall, again, a good discussion. I felt like we heard each other, he apologized for "being a bad boyfriend" and admitted he didn't put the relationship first. There was also some confession of how previous deployments and relationships didn't go well.
Again, I felt good after the discussion.
Then, nothing yesterday from him. I sent an email telling him I appreciated the discussion. He texted at 8pm and we decided to talk.
We were talking about him coming for the weekend, but he was…"blah". So, I finally just said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to break up with me last weekend, I have been a little…confused".
Long story short, I asked about his feelings for his exgf..that I have felt I've been "compared" to her. He finally said, "I'm not comparing you to her, I'm comparing my feelings for her to my feelings for you."
Let that sink in a little.
So, a long discussion about how he holds that relationship as his litmus test. They were a typical SI "all heat/rainbows/butterflies fast moving relationship" where, one year in, she asked him to move out, they "worked on it", broke up, got back together and he found out that she was cheating on him. He defended the relationship and the multiple tries because "you don't give up on someone you love. It was a rough patch, so I thought I could ride it out and she would be back." I explained that I want a relationship where the rough patches make you PULL TOGETHER, not pull apart.
I said, "You are comparing me to a relationship where she cheated on you??? How am I supposed to 'win' if I"m battling those early feelings you had for someone that didn't love you??"
So, that is his litmus test. He said he was afraid we didnt' have enough "HEAT" for him. I asked if there was heat on the date on Wednesday, and he said "yes", but it may not be "enough heat". So, I asked how anyone can have "tons of heat" on the second time we had sex, we know he is leaving/deploying and we were just trying to spend what time we could together. Then I asked why he poofed.
He replied that he wasn't sure if heat could build in a relationship, he wasn't sure about anything because he wants the heat from the litmus test relationship. That was obviously damaged/not healthy. He said from the beginning he felt that he should be "cautious" with me, but couldn't tell me why or what that means. I asked if he was cautious because I mean something to him. He kept saying, "I really respect you. I really like you. I know that IS important. I think you are beautiful."
I told him that HEAT relationships generally are not based on much except heat and drama. He did tell me their relationship had a lot of drama, and that "kept him up at night", but the beginning WAS SO GOOD and he wants that again.
I'm
I can't fight a ghost.
I told him that a real relationship needed to be based on more. Yes, the heat had to be there, and we were beginning to feel the heat, but where we are good is the friendship/compatibility. I personally think the heat can build since we both agreed we have the spark.
We didn't really end with a decision if we are going forward. He said he needed to go to sleep, and I wished him good luck and we hung up.
I wouldn't even know if I COULD continue knowing that he expects us to have the heat of a broken relationship. He doesn't even see it as "broken" he said he guessed they "weren't supposed to be together but he knows that heat exists".
My gut was there was an issue with that ex. I should have listened.
I am sad. I don't regret this relationship at all. But, I can't see it continuing unless he can work through not comparing "us" (normal, stable, secure, happy with building heat) to (HEAT, DRAMA, she cheated).
So..I know there have been discussions about heat v. solid. Can we discuss again??…so if he does contact me, I need to get my head on straight. At this point, I"m NC.
uggg.