"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Iamacrab posted 3/18/2014 08:44 AM

Where should a relationship be at this point? This is really my first actual dating relationship since EXWH.
We've been dating/seeing each other (his words) for not quite 3 months. Our first date-ish was early jan. Basically we've seen each other every weekend since then for hours and hours at a time, and 2 or 3 instances of a date evening during the week days in that period. But typically once per week period.
(I live 45 min from where he lives and I work later hours though we're both moving seperately but nearer to each other within the next several weeks)
Two of those weekends now have been overnight as we became intimate. Sometimes it's structured dates, but not always. Last weekend for example was a mini road trip to run an errand he needed to complete.

We text every day a few times in the day (he initiates mostly mid day as I'm typically engrossed at work - I'm working on being better about that) and before going to bed he'll say goodnight.
I've met a few of his friends and this past weekend his friends long term gf said "finally, I'm meeting you!"
He mentioned something about that he said to his mom that she should have breakfast with us since I've stayed on the weekend, and his mom wants to see him on the weekend so it'd need to be together if she wanted to see him then. Apparently she declined and said he should hold off on subjecting me to her. That wasn't exactly her response but something like that.

Is all of this normal at this point, we've had about 15 dates.
I am looking for a benchmark I guess, even though this is all subjective, as I don't want things to be moving too quickly.
I really like spending time with him. On the flip side, when he says nice things about me my first inclination is to question why he's saying it, and what is his motive. So I'm nervous spending time with him as well.

Meanwhile EXWH emails nearly every other day about what he regrets doing because in his words "he wishes he found this remorse earlier bc while maybe it'd change nothing, maybe it would have changed a lot" now he feels terrible about things and his living-with fiancée supports him apologizing and trying to make it up to me. I don't answer him.
But honestly, Yea right, what do you bet she has no real idea of the False R, how I did everything/paid for the D, everything. Not worth my time to wonder about anymore though.

This is difficult. It all seems so extra scary. Clearly I'm not going to fall over and die if this NB doesn't go well, but it's still difficult to even give it a fair shot no matter how much I like him. What do you guys think, is this normal at this point, or do I need to reign it in?
Thanks so much, and I hope everyone is having a good day.

sparkysable posted 3/18/2014 09:21 AM

What concerns you? I don't see that he's rushing into anything, or future faking with you, correct? It sounds like he's taking his time and not rushing into anything. Are you seeing red flags? Is your gut screaming at you? Sometimes it's hard to distinguish what is our gut, and what is our paranoia from our XWS's.

EvenKeel posted 3/18/2014 09:34 AM

I would venture your questions have very little to do with the NB guy and mostly to do with you.

I can't tell from your profile, but what is your timeline (ie how long you been divorced, etc).

I ask that because my first dating/relationship was very different than where I am now (4-yrs out).

I think I would put an end to the exwh emails. If you are truly done with him; there is nothing positive for you hearing him bellyache each day. Those emails are all about making himself feel better. You need to work on healing yourself and being subjected to those won't help.
(Sorry - I know you were not asking about that....but it jumped out at me).

Back to NB....when I line it up to my new relationship, it sort of parallels. We began dating in Jan and we also live 45 mins apart. I am very clear with him on where I stand emotionally and he is ok with that, etc. I think as long as you both understand what you each are looking for at this point and there is no pressure, then it is good. If you are not ready to meet the mom yet - then hold off. It is just not her that gets a say in it, etc.

Iamacrab posted 3/18/2014 09:55 AM

I think it's mostly residual things, and not him. I worry that bc of the intimacy I'm paranoid and maybe need to back off.
For example, his bday. I saw him the day before, got him a card. I asked him the day after, what he ended up doing for it. He said he went out with his family for dinner. Then while we were talking this weekend about something he mentioned that his brothers longtime gf was at dinner as well and while they were there she said xyz that pertained to our current conversation.
So is that a red flag, why he just said "his family" before and didn't mention brothers gf? Or, not a big deal as brother lives w the parents and she stays there during the week w them as well?
Or, another example, he said he went to bed shortly after me. He offered that, I didn't ask. I know when I went to bed, and he was on fb an hour after that time. Is that shortly? Or is that a red flag?
I don't know that before EXWH I would have noticed these things.
Re EXWH I haven't cut him off as we've agreed to continue renting the house due to the market. So if I do respond I remind him it has to be about the house only. He is cut off via phone/text.

I haven't been D very long, that is another reason why I'm asking. Although we were S for over 2.5 yrs, there was a false R in there.

Thanks for the comments!

fireproof posted 3/18/2014 10:59 AM

I think it sounds like a healthy pace but I think you could work on relaxing. Moderation - you will learn about him and you.

There are no set rules but I would say if something is super important to you and not your circumstances or past then I would ask. If not the slower the better until you are sure.

All relationships will have issues but starting out I wouldn't look for things but if they do matter check with yourself and then take action.

If the relationship is real- discussion will follow.

Focus on you, enjoy, and you are strong enough to handle things.

EvenKeel posted 3/18/2014 11:17 AM

So is that a red flag, why he just said "his family" before and didn't mention brothers gf? Or, not a big deal as brother lives w the parents and she stays there during the week w them as well?

This is not a red flag to me. If she is his long-term GF and stays with them some....he might just include her in the "just family" because she is like family at this point?

Or, another example, he said he went to bed shortly after me. He offered that, I didn't ask. I know when I went to bed, and he was on fb an hour after that time. Is that shortly? Or is that a red flag?

Again - not a red flag to me. I can go to bed, flip on the TV and sometimes check FB from bed on my Kindle, etc.

While I do believe it is very important to listen to your gut, I just don't see anything jumping off the page as a "A-ha...caught ya" sort of thing with what you have said.

You are looking hard due to your past. I am guilty of that as well. Having stayed too long in a relationship I should of given up on long before. However, I try not to make current men pay for past crimes of others. I try to judge them on what they have done/shown me. If they have given me no reason to question what they say....then I try to quiet my internal demons and let them show me who they really are.

AND they do! Some good...some jerks. But thus is life, eh?

norabird posted 3/18/2014 11:49 AM

I agree--the GF IS family.

But just go at your own pace and be open with him about your worries--that they aren't about *him*, just your own hyper-alertness. He should understand and try to work with you on feeling safer.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:03 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]