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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: Rugsweeping and blameshifting in issues other than infidelity
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am deathly allergic to rugsweeping and blameshifting. When I sense it my blood boils and it sets me off. I'm recognizing it in many aspects of life and I just can't accept it.

One example-

The new series on ABC. It's called Resurrection and I really like it so far but the second episode was full of rugsweeping and blameshifting.

The people who died starting coming back to life and coming back to their families. I can only imagine how emotional that would be. There is a young female doctor and a federal agent that are seeking the truth and people are trying to stop them left and right.

The one woman said that some things are more important than the truth. What?

One guy yelled that the truth seekers are ruining his wife's reputation (she's dead) but really it's just the truth of her life and her actions are coming out, instead of some romanticized version that made everyone else feel comfortable.

It makes me want to scream. Anyone else feel this way? I honestly feel like I can't stand it, not for a moment and my reaction to it is swift and serious.

It drives me nuts how often people do it and then the others just nod and go along with it. So far I've managed to keep my mouth shut IRL situations but I'm going to lose it on someone, it's inevitable.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

DD-March 2010

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I think this experience has made me much more of an absolutist on questions of honesty and integrity, even if they don't pertain directly to cheating. Maybe I'm more aware of the slippery slope, the dire consequences of living untruthfully. I don't think there is any need to be lenient about unhealthy behavior and that's what rugsweeping is.

So maybe give yourself permission to sit in judgment and speak your mind about it. Not permission to 'lose it', but to calmly speak up.

I remember when I was still with my ex, before I knew what he had done behind my back in the past and of course before I knew what else he would do in the future, we used to watch Breaking Bad together. It was always really stressful for me because I hated everything the main character Walter White stood for, while my ex idolized the character, despite his bad attitude and behavior. I would get mad, REALLY mad, about it. I don't think I was wrong. I was picking up on an unhealthy attitude.

And if some people IRL are entrenched in their own unhealthy attitudes...maybe it's time to get some distance from those people.

Just my two cents.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Yes.YES!

It has also made me aware of my own tendencies to rugsweep and shift blame in the past. This knowledge has made me more accountable all around. It has also made me truly appreciate people who don't do this, and people who I probably overlooked in the past.

I am utterly blown away by how often this goes on. I think it makes me a difficult person to be around, as I can not tolerate it. I look at the culture of the town where I grew up and I see dysfunction on a mass scale. I learned these behaviors at home and had them reinforced in my community. You don't tell the truth, if it makes someone "look" bad. If you make someone look bad, its your fault and you are bad, because you hurt them by not covering their ass.

A boy recently beat a cat to death, it was reported and enough of the community covered it, so he could get on with his life, and not have it ruined...(and by boy I mean over the age of 16) things like this....

Forget TV and movies!

While I'm happy to be aware and make self improvements, it also makes it hard for me to find friends who don't scare me with these ideas that life is about avoiding issues to keep everybody comfortable.

oops I accidentally erased my old signature and I'm sorry for all of my edits, it seems I need glasses.

Posts: 2411 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nora-You're right that I need to find a way to calmly address it or I'll just get blown off as some wacko.

Refuz-Gah-your hometown sounds like it churns them out. OMG that cat! I guess they'll figure it out when he graduates to a person. Like to see them cover that up.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:02 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

DD-March 2010

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far I've managed to keep my mouth shut IRL situations but I'm going to lose it on someone, it's inevitable.

Can you go off on my WH?????

BS(ME)41 WH(HIM)38
DD 21 and DS 16
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2944 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day I was thinking about the number of issues that, in the past, I would not even have noticed and now, post D-Day they scream at me. Rugsweeping, blameshifting and sugar-coating specifically.

I see it in movies, in books, in my own family and it makes my blood boil. I think it's because NOW I see how toxic and hugely damaging these actions are.

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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