If he isn't doing anything, I'm wondering if you can accept it. If you don't feel safe in the relationship, you'll get stuck. I'm not saying you don't feel safe a this point, just throwing possible ideas out there!
My wh came home on his lunch break one day and told me he had cheated on me. Over the next week or so, he slowly told all of it. He has essentially been cheating on me since before we were married.
Why did he come home and tell you this?
[This message edited by Newme123 at 7:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
I just can't make it make sense and I know I never will because it doesn't make sense.
it sounds like you have already made a great deal of sense of his actions and his past and possible effects of his FOO on his self esteem etc.
I am glad that you are seeing less passive aggressive and narcissistic behaviour from him, although it would be good if he could keep up counselling because of history of self harm. (are you aware of the concept of FLEAS - little tics of narcissistic behaviour that you can 'catch' or learn from a close NPD relative, that are just that: tics, not the whole syndrome or disorder, that can be kept in train by someone who is self-reflexive.)
As for acceptance, it is a difficult thing. I'm glad that you mentioned God, because I try not to talk about that unless I know it's okay. But for me, a big part of my healing has been to consciously try to give it over to God. To realize that I can't control everything and I can't force the future into something I want it to be. It's so difficult because I do tend to try to control others. But I'm seeing more and more that it's impossible. All you can do is change yourself and become aware of what you can and cannot put up with. Learning to be confident with your own boundaries is a big thing.
You have accepted it happened. You aren't in denial and making excuses for it. You know it happened, you accept it but now you I think you are struggling more with how to forgive and move forward.
Acceptance never has to mean you condone it, understand it, affirm it. You don't ever have to. It's been 3+ years for me since DDay and I hate that it happened as much today as I did 3 years ago.
I have learned where my FWH was in his life and in his mind when it occurred (an understanding of him if you will) but not of his actions or choices.
Breathe. It takes time even though 17 months feels like an eternity. You are still healing, processing, grieving. All completely normal.
On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair, if you ever truly heal. You will have good days and bad and you will still wonder "how the hell did this become my life'? Allow yourself to mourn and then move forward.
God is with you on this journey. Two people can build a better future if you both work at it. You can. Doesn't mean you aren't ever going to think about it or wonder. You will and that is okay, you are human.
Talking is key. Feeling what you feel is key. Don't try to stuff your feelings down or ignore them. When they come up, deal with them the best you can and focus on the next thing.
You can't erase the past but you can direct the future.
Good luck. Hang in there.
The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th