SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background---AP, H, and I share a sport. AP has played sport for 2 years, H for 35 years, and I started 17 years ago but quit after having a child and then started again for a year but it was too much strain on little one to have us both gone so much so quit again for the last 5 years. H and AP made a custody agreement to share the sport so nobody else would be effected, but let sport manager know she was losing her coach (H) and that the schedule for us would be different and why. AP broke that agreement 3 times and it ended in HUGE DRAMA. About 1/4 of the team found out, there has been hurt feelings on all sides, anger, unkind words to EVERYONE (including me??), just craziness. The sports manager should not have to deal with this. No I am not going to give up the sport as it is something H and I have done together and will do together again, also including our daughter when she is older. She showed up each time and said, "I don't care. It doesn't effect me." Because, she divorced her H after trying to make it work for 2 weeks and is "taking a break from being a mom" to her 5-year old girl. This year was too much for the sports manager and put her in so many uncomfortable, awkward situations. Next year AP has said, "All bets are off." So...if all bets are off and human decency is out the window--I can play in that field too and I will fight for the original agreement. I will make sure it does effect her and she will most likely leave crying. I hate to do this to a team I have always been a part of for over a decade so I wrote her this letter first--knowing with her personality it won't do any good, but wanting to try something.

AP,

As H and I were reflecting on the year and how it has gone with (our shared sport) we were thinking how unfair this whole thing has been to (sport manager). She has gone above and beyond what should be asked of a friend. This single season has been extremely difficult for her and this is not a temporary circumstance as this will effect all of us for the rest of our lives. (Sport manager) and (assistant) are aware of the agreement. If you think anyone else needs to know the agreement, please forward this message to them.

As per the original agreement, you have all women's team events including team practice on Sundays, team tournaments (in town and any out of town tournaments as well), team fundraisers and all social events associated with those activities. H and I have co-ed events including all co-ed tournaments, Thursday night skates, and all social events associated with those.

I realize you have given up Thursday nights after 2-years of playing. H has given up more than a decade of coaching his friends. As H will not be seen or heard from during any of your events, you will not be seen or heard from during his events, this includes watching your dad if he chooses to be in any events with H, just like he can't watch any of his friends who are in events with you. You may find that difficult, but it is the agreement that you made. You may think the agreement is just for my benefit. It is not. As we have seen from this year, many women from (sport) have been negatively effected and there are still many people who are not aware of what has occurred. All of this is an unfortunate consequence for both you and H, but your actions do have consequences.

H has watched a number of drama situations unfold within women's team and they have never ended well. The last thing either of you want is to put your friends of the women's program through that kind of turmoil. Friendships have been strained and many feelings have been hurt. Many of the women have said that they do not want to be forced to choose, nor should they. It would be a shame to bring more drama to the women and men associated with our shared sport, because either one of you selfishly chose to ignore the agreement.

Lucy17

I'm a BS also who had to deal with an AP who refused to go away after WH initiated NC. Constantly showing up at events and getting in our "face" no matter where: school, public events, movies, work. She had no remorse or even concern for how it looked or who it effected. Your husbands AP sounds nuts, like my WH's AP and seems to thrive on drama. I'm so sorry. BTDT

This is just my opinion, but I would suggest you not send her anything. You can't reason with unreasonable, and the more attention she gets the more fuss she'll make. Ignore her! Hold your head up and IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Better yet, smile and enjoy yourself - even if it kills you at first.

If you enjoy this sport, and want to continue, then I say YOU do it. As far as your WH, he should quit or find another league. These are consequences of HIS behavior.

As for the team and friends, no one knowingly joins an extracurricular activity to have to deal with marital drama of this sort during events. I'm a BS also but I can understand that. It may just come down to him leaving anyway if the team mates have had enough. And I doubt it will matter to them how long he or his AP have been involved. Also, if he isn't around, I doubt she'd stick around for long without the drama or him for an audience.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and it should not be your issue to solve - as is the case with most BS's. However, if this is something YOU WANT TO DO then do it. Your WH should be willing to sacrifice this for you and your comfort. After all, just like my WH has learned, when you defecate where you dine, you find yourself banned from the table.

Hugs and strength.

The OW sounds like a bunny boiler...

But, on another note..you and your husband are feeding her with what she wants most....ATTENTION and DRAMA.

It is a free world and she most likely views it as such. She can go wherever she damn well pleases and will never succumb to your rules and restrictions.

I know it sucks having her around, but you are giving in to her influence.

You and your h need to get to indifference. The best thing for you to do is have NO restrictions and ignore her. I know it is hard. I know it is Hell to have him see her.

Is this about trusting your fWH? If so, you need to let that go. If he wants to cheat...he will...with her or someone else. You can't control every aspect of his life. Nor is it fair for you to live with him averting his eyes and not trusting his integrity. The best thing you can do is show her how happy you can be in spite of her being there.

This is a community space and you are giving in to her influence and she is loving every minute of the drama. By sending that letter, you are letting her know just how much she gets under your skin.

Unless the rink(?) or league wants to get involved, you probably do not have a choice if the AP refuses to acknowledge the agreement. The league can ban both of them if this gets heated and too hot for them. Can you participate in another location?

We had a horrendous situation with a youth coach that had his OW show up whenever his wife was out of town. He was finally banned by the league for all of the drama.

You cannot depend on others to take your side on this. Some people still blame the BS for the post A drama, woman scorned joke added, and side with the poor little, used OW. I have been around adult and youth league and I do not see this pursuit ending well for you and your H if you push it.

We BS here on SI are a supportive bunch for each other who know the pain the A and the AP can cause our lives. It is not fair. It is not right. You will feel as if the OW wins yet again and society just lets her keep on pushing you around. No matter how much the OW continues to turn to crap, the outer world will see this as more of a problem for you and your WS. Your WS is the one to pay up to you, not the AP. That sucks.

I agree with all the other responders. You cannot control her actions. She is free to do what she wants as long as she is a member of the league.

Sending this letter will really tickle her fancy. She will love the fact that you think you can control her, and she will love the fact she is gonna prove you wrong.

I think your only options are to just become indifferent to her presence, or like another suggested, have your husband bow out. Temporarily at least.

Sure its not fair. But no words you write can force her to not show up. I think involving the league will go badly - they wont want to pick sides most likely - and in the end could end up asking you to leave.

Its so unfair, but the best thing to do is ignore ignore ignore.

This is so what I do not want to hear, but also what I know will happen.

I do have friendships with the women and her being so new they have said she doesn't have the ties and 2 of the women have wondered if AP will stick it out next year because the women have been so uncomfortable around her and it has been awkward. Once the women found out there was an agreement and that she broke it (H and I didn't say anything originally because we didn't want to involve people more than they needed to know...but they askes) they were very angry and they were the ones who reinforced her holding to the agreement for the rest of the season. I don't want anyone else being responsible for this though. And you guys are all right---there is an element of revenge here, but goddammit there's also some fairness in all of this unfair crap I have to put up with. And I will fight for that (not physically). She can have Sundays. I won't ever show up (even though that's the fun team and drills and the first thing my daughter could do). She can have it. But, if she shows up for Thursday, I won't ignore either. I will make comments. I will make her uncomfortable.

feeding her with what she wants most....ATTENTION and DRAMA.

THIS!

Anything you say or do to her--this is what she hears: I am so important to Lucy17 and her WH. They think of me all the time. Ego kibbles, important! Yay me!

Ignoring is what will drive her crazy.

I think if she shows up, say what you wanna say, but ultimately ignoring is best. But definitely dont send that letter or any letter as she will feed off of it for sure.

Personally, I think the best solution is for you and your H to find another location, even if it means traveling quite a distance for it. Make the trips fun, and make memories along the way. A while after doing this, the AP will likely quit because her fun there will be gone. That's when you can go back to your original location.

I agree that it would only give her a thrill to read your letter.

I don't think it's a good idea for either you or your H to continue in the sport at that location because it's always bad business keeping an ex flame in the lives of a married couple in any way. It's next to impossible to move on and heal that way.

I would back off of this if I were you. Unfortunatley you have no right to make these kinds is demands or "agreements". Regardless of how much a tool she is...you just don't. And if you push this any further, you're going to be the one who will suffer. Not her. I say keep your dignity on this one and try something else. By he way, where is your H in all if this? Why isn't he doing this---he is the one at fault for putting you in this situation and he should be cleaning up his mess and not you.

I know the consensus is to ignore her, not give her attention, etc. But that approach didn't work for me either. Sometimes you just have to take your power back. For me it was about letting her know she wasn't having anything else that was MINE. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone, but it did for me.

I say stick to it. Don't let her be the reason you lose something else that matters to you. you said the women in the sport already know. My feeling, as a woman, and an athlete, in this situation they will NOT be upset that there is drama, they will not be worried (like you are)that they are being dragged into something unnecessarily, they won't be upset with you. They will have your back. They have a history with you, and they are wives and partners who I'm guessing would not be backing an un-remorseful OW. If I was one of those women, I would be happy to stand beside you.

For me, it wasn't about having her away because i was worried about my husband, it was about being disrespected by her AGAIN, and not wanting a constant reminder of the A shoved in my face. I know many people, MC included will say to ignore, and I tried that, but a more "active" approach worked better for me. I finally felt a little sense of control over what was an out of control situation, and felt a little of my personal power return.

You do what feels right to you, and don't underestimate the understanding and support the other women in your sport may be eager to give you.

[This message edited by Shayna71 at 7:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

I am so happy to hear that the other woman there are supporting you. Let them do the work. They will make it uncomfortable for her and maybe if you guys find another place she will leave. Since, she will no longer have the chance to be a thorn. Then, come back.

In the meantime you can vent to us about how unfair it is that the OW put you in this situation. We will understand and identify with you. Vent away...believe me...we all would love to show up with signs to scare her away.

Why do we betrayed spouses always think that a heartfelt, honest, long letter will do the trick? I'm guilty too. I've written page after page.

Don't send it. She will see it as a challenge.