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nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 12:51 PM

So I had been dating this guy from OLD, and we were getting on GREAT. The chemistry was unbeliveable, he was kind, very, very smart, and no drama. He treated me so well.
So he had to go overseas on business at the beginng of Februay, and his texting didn't work overseas, so we began to email.
The emails were amazing. We got to know each other on a whole new level.
When he got back, he came over literally right off the plane to see me. Everything was great. I seriously was head over heels for this guy, and it seemed he was the same.

Well, he had a guys weekend planned so off he went. then, the next weekend he had a skiing weekend planned. so off he went again. Now, we had been texting during the weeks.

Well, the Sunday he was to get home from skiing I texted asking how things went. And I got a text saying he had reconnected with an old gf who had recently separated the previous two weeknds and was now seeing her.

Out of the fucking blue. Some dumb bitch went and stole my man. I was so, so hurt. let's count the things that are wrong here shall we? A gf from more than 10 years ago (based on how long he was married to his ex wife and the time he has been divorced)??? An old gf who haas RECENTLY SEPARATED???? Um, RED FLAG. MESSY. DRAMA. JUST NO.

Am I crazy in thinking this is totally out of character for him??? I just seems so - NOT HIM. Not something he would do. (and yes, I know, he did do it, he showed me who he is. But it was so not the man I had come to know. it's jsut so off.)

So I'm really sad. I've had other friends tell me this is a fling and won't last and he'll come asking my way again. I don't know. My head knows I can't live my life waiting on him but right now my heart jsut wants to wait till this crazy spell of his blows over...

Who does shit like that? I gues the spark of an old flame is pretty strong. I don't know, I've never experienced that. But that spark is based on what ONCE was, not what IS today.

Thanks for listening. I've been stewing on this for a week now and it was making me crazy.

shiloe posted 3/18/2014 13:10 PM

I don't know what to say . . . .I am so sorry he hurt you. I am guessing you guys were in the still dating stage and did not agree to exclusivity? Who even knows if he told the truth about an old gf?? He obviously still had a "still-shopping around" mindset.

Go crickets on him. You don't need that kind of treatment.

Who does shit like that?

Lots and lots of men do this. That's why it is best to hold back, try not too get too invested and think ahead, protect your heart. I know its hard to do when chemistry, feelings and hope get in the way.

nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 13:11 PM

I did go crickets on him, no worries there.

nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 13:22 PM

I know its hard to do when chemistry, feelings and hope get in the way.

Damn, that is right on. All three factors were at play in this case.

No, we were not exclusive, although I had planned on asking him next time we saw each other in person. Oops, too late for that now.

It never occurred to me that he wouldn't tell me the truth. How niave am I Sigh.

norabird posted 3/18/2014 13:50 PM

If he comes crawling back, it's your turn to next him.

Clearly he doesn't know how to value the right things.

sparkysable posted 3/18/2014 14:07 PM

Do you know for sure that he had a guys weekend one weekend, and a skiing weekend the next weekend, and that both of these weekends did not involve a woman?

Sorry, but I smell fish. 2 weekends away in a row like that, and then he dumps you?

Crescita posted 3/18/2014 14:20 PM

That's really crummy (((nutmeg))).

nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 14:30 PM

My post was not worded well.

The guys weekend and skiing weekend were pre planned with friends of his. I guess this woman (did I mention she is recently separated???) is friends with those friends and I suspect they invited her along. Now I am wondering if he knew she was going to be there all along :( That would really be sucky of him.

I guess I've had my "bad OLD experience" cherry popped. Go me.

Charity411 posted 3/18/2014 14:32 PM

I'm with sparkysable. First the overseas trip followed by two weekends away. I know you are angry but I don't know it's exactly fair to call this mystery old flame a dumb bitch. I don't think you know the whole story yet. I wouldn't be surprised if he has more than one OLD relationship. Or possibly even a wife.

nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 14:38 PM

I know he def didnt' ahve a wife. I'd been to his house - no trace of a wife or any female for that matter. And the work trip was legit, he mentioned that to me back in December and it had been on the books since then.

Just sucks how duplicitous he was. :( Thanks for letting me vent.

InnerLight posted 3/18/2014 14:59 PM

I am so sorry! This must really hurt like hell. What a disappointment!

I can't imagine trusting him if he does come crawling back.


cmego posted 3/18/2014 15:39 PM

uggg. That sucks.

But, the flag to me was that you were not exclusive. If it doesn't go exclusive pretty quickly, then there is an issue.

I'd bet the new girlfriend doesn't know about you…but there is no way I'd be someone's second choice. Crawling back or not…you will struggle to trust him. He already doesn't' value you enough to hold you in "first place"…time to work on moving forward.

Catwoman posted 3/18/2014 16:52 PM

Unfortunately, if you hadn't had the exclusive talk, both of you are free to do whatever with whomever. And it sucks rotten eggs big time.

But really, this isn't directly attributable to OLD. It is people being humans and straying over into jerk territory.

I know it is really rough right now. Been there. More than once. But in doing so, you learn so much about yourself, what you want, what you don't want . . . It really does one day meld into something understandable.

If it is any consolation, the newly separated thing is likely to sink under its own emotional weight. Remember you (and any of us) at two weeks out? I think I cried during Jiffy Lube commercials. And memories of relationships are, at best, faulty. He won't be getting the good end of this deal, and by the time he realizes that, you won't want him.

Cry, rant and heal. In that order.


fireproof posted 3/18/2014 16:57 PM

I am sorry but he doesn't sound like he was ready.

Maybe it is because I was blown out of the water like many of us but I want to be with someone who couldn't think about doing this to me.

The reality is sometimes we don't even know ourselves and the amount we have healed and our personal desires come into the picture.

I would next him if he comes back in your life because he has work to do (in my opinion).

Focus on how you felt, the feeling came back, etc. and I hope you feel that again but without this guy and his ending.

risingfromashes posted 3/18/2014 17:36 PM

That sucks! But I also think something sounds fishy. How can any of us here be surprised at someone will do?
Wish I had advice for you. Well I do...If he shows up again do not give him the time of day.

better4me posted 3/18/2014 18:39 PM

When people show you who they are....and this guy just showed you he is a jerkface deceitful by omission poopyhead fricker.

You wondered if it was totally out of character for him...apparently not. You asked, who does shit like this? People you don't want to be in a relationship with, that's who.

So sorry nutmegkitty!
ugh, just ugh.

Williesmom posted 3/18/2014 19:41 PM


I'm sorry. What a fucking jagoff.

He'll be back. Crickets to him.

nowiknow23 posted 3/18/2014 20:01 PM


PhoenixRisen posted 3/18/2014 22:02 PM

yes he was kinda an a$$
so crickets to him and move one

BUT I'm more worried about YOU. You said it's out of character for him, yet that was his behavior... was that similar to your NPD ex? -NPDs are notorious for presenting their false sense but then having awful behavior that also "seems out of character" when in reality that IS their character.

His message to you that she "recently separated" could be him putting a spin on the story and justified his poor behavior because in reality he may have been multidating (you AND her) and opted to go with her instead.

I'm also worried that you blame HER and call her names - when it's all about HIM! - call him names (just post it here on SI and don't text him! he gets crickets!)

Take2 posted 3/18/2014 22:53 PM

That sucks Nutmeg - I'm so sorry you are hurting.

What bothers me about this is - how to you meet up with an old girlfriend during a "guys' weekend...?
And to next you by text after seeing each other for a few months - even if it was declared exclusive - that is inconsiderate.

When he comes crawling back - have other plans!


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