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IC surprises me almost every time the emotions that surface...

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She11ybeanz posted 3/18/2014 13:02 PM

So....I went into IC today thinking I would be talking about my volatile relationship with my sister or the big move to my dad's house and the change that has come about recently.....but XWH and MOW surfaced again. I told her that I'm still not at a indifferent place when it comes to seeing them and I think part of that stems from them deciding to become runners that frequently race like me therefore forcing their presence in my face almost monthly since my divorce in 2010.....thus re-opening those wounds and being constantly reminded of the pain they caused seeing them together. Plus, their heckling and rude comments that 1st year of racing didn't help.....and thus made me a faster more determined runner (cause I secretly reveled in kicking their butts in races).

But....I digress.

My therapist made a good point. When your thoughts or emotions come from a place of love or takes up space in your heart and taints you. You have to find a way to heal and forgive.....not forgive them....for their sake.....forgive them for YOUR sake so you can move on and be happy, healthy, and ready for new love and a new life. I'm still very hurt by what they did to me. I truly loved my XWH with all my heart and he broke my heart into a million pieces. That takes time to heal from....but I'm getting better. I want to be indifferent. I think its possible someday. I saw her running down a mountain I was running up while with my group last week.....but I wasn't shocked.....and didn't cringe. I felt a slight twinge of annoyance....and that's what I want to eliminate; her and his ability to get under my skin. I guess that's something I need to work on.

She said that when those thoughts come in my head to say to myself "Bless them, heal me, bless them, heal me" because we all reap what we sow....and none of us can escape whatever karma we have created in our lives....good or bad. Let karma do its job.....and work on not letting painful emotions get buried deep. She said to let myself feel that pain so I can walk through it and get past it. I feel like I have felt a lifetime of pain....but maybe I let a small part of it slide under a rug.....

I think its time to clean house..... and move forward. I have a beautiful daughter to raise that needs me!

SisterMilkshake posted 3/18/2014 13:10 PM

"Bless them, heal me, bless them, heal me"
Or....Fuck them, heal me, fuck them, heal me. Would work better for me, anyway.

She11ybeanz posted 3/18/2014 13:21 PM

I think I like your mantra a little better!

nutmegkitty posted 3/18/2014 13:29 PM

I get the message your IC is sending. I think it's worthwhile.

sparkysable posted 3/18/2014 14:09 PM

Fuck them, heal me, fuck them, heal me.
OOh I like this one much better. Bless them? Fuck no, FUCK THEM!

She11ybeanz posted 3/18/2014 14:47 PM

Yeah....I get what she is saying too. When you hate someone....they are renting space in your head. You gotta up the rent and kick them out!

Amazonia posted 3/18/2014 19:41 PM

The whole point is to let go of the anger and annoyance. Making your mantra "fuck them" would be entirely counterproductive, Shelly. Just sayin'.

ETA: If you can't bring yourself to say "bless them" (although, you're close enough to the South that "bless" is kind of a double edged sword anyway ) maybe try a mantra like, "They are nothing, I am healing" instead?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:23 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

gahurts posted 3/18/2014 21:09 PM

"Well bless their hearts"

solus sto posted 3/19/2014 07:46 AM

You know, acceptance and forgiveness do NOT have to take the form of "blessing" those who have chosen to harm us. You can choose to simply accept what you cannot change, a la the Serenity Prayer.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/19/2014 07:51 AM

Making your mantra "fuck them" would be entirely counterproductive.
I can say "Fuck them" without any anger. It is dismissive. No anger, just letting go. Indifference. Just sayin'.

I also agree with you, solus sto, as usual.

Kajem posted 3/20/2014 03:02 AM

I've done the "Let him go, heal me."

It worked to get me to indifference. Until they started new antics that needed to be purged. Once they stop using my kids as pawns to wound, I won't have to forgive over and over anymore.

Amazonia posted 3/20/2014 18:59 PM

ga exactly!

Caretaker1 posted 3/21/2014 06:17 AM

I need help with this also. I have been told to learn how to forgive, but I feel like I am in high school. Mine mocked me too. Running and exercise help. What exactly goes through the exes heads? They see their kids less and in this case had a loving spouse who is a runner. Is the grass greener for them ?

How did you cope? What support system do you have? I find when I exercise I feel better. When I don't the stress and sadness returns. It's so hard divorce, harder than I imagined. I get all the things to do, but I tend to rug sweep. I need to cry more, allow myself to be angry etc. is this what folks mean when they say they rug sweep?

You can't control what they do, but what do you do on transitions with your daughter? What are the custody arrangements?

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 6:21 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

itainteasy posted 3/21/2014 10:08 AM

My first love, my first fiance, cheated on me and married the girl he cheated with. Had children with her. Built a whole life with her.

Thankfully they lived far away.

But, they eventually moved back to our (mine and his) home town. Suddenly HE was showing up EVERY PLACE I WENT. I felt like he was stalking me. And in a way he was. He wanted to see how my life was, and if I was "with" anyone. If I wanted to be "friends" (hell no!). I hated them from afar, but when they moved back, and I had to see him everywhere, and see MY friends talking to him like nothing happened, my hatred burned hot with the heat of 1.000 suns!

Now, when we were together, I was 17. We 'broke up' when I was 20. I'm 37 now. So, we've been OVER for SEVENTEEN years. I've been with my fiance for TEN years.

About 4, maybe 5 yrs ago, I realized that I felt nothing about him or her. No hatred. No nausea. Indifference. I felt freer, and lighter. Even now I can think about my late teens and early 20s and not feel sad or mad towards him.

That was a huge thing for me. I was really carrying around a giant grudge. I'm not saying I want to be BFF with him or her, but it doesn't bother me that they're breathing my oxygen anymore.

It takes time to get to that point, it really does. You can't force it. But you can redirect your thoughts. When you're forced to see him, her, or both of them, redirect your thoughts to your daughter. She wouldn't exist if you were still with your ex. Sure you might have a child, but it wouldn't be PIPER. You don't have to "bless them" or "forgive them", just try to redirect your thoughts from them. The letting go will come.

Hang in there. (((((Shelly)))))))

She11ybeanz posted 3/21/2014 23:26 PM

You can't control what they do, but what do you do on transitions with your daughter? What are the custody arrangements?

Luckily.....Ironically.....and very very humbly.... my daughter is not the product of my XWH. I met Piper's father about 3 weeks after my divorce....Ironically our 1st date was a run up to the top of a local mountain on New Years Day.... also Ironically.... that day was the 1st day since the day my XWH had asked for the divorce 9 months earlier.... that I ran into him with MOW at the same run. I wanted to run at first.....back to my car.... they started ahead and were halfway up.... when I reached them....because I'm faster. I stopped dead in my tracks for a brief moment. It was as if someone....and was asking me to jump off a cliff....because I would have to run past them. Past the 2 people responsible for turning my entire entire entire planned future and hopes and dreams......upside down.... my heart stopped for a moment. Then I dug deep....knowing this new guy was going to be running up behind me to meet me and support me at the top.... and decided it was not in my nature to #1 be a quitter....and #2 back down from a challenge..... and I sprinted past them.....and didn't even give them a 2nd glance.

When I reached the top.... Piper's future father....met me and we talked and I admitted to him my awkwardness and he was very kind and supportive and I think that made me want to lean on him a little. He wasn't my usual type....but he drew me in with his charm. The red flags were everywhere....but I got sucked in and 10 months later......on the pill and him with a "supposed" daughter came to be.

Her father is not in her his own choice. He hasn't seen her since she was 9 months old. She will be 20 months old on April 3rd. It is for the best and it was my choice to leave him at 8 months pregnant. Long story short..... I saved my daughter from a life of being subjected to a binge drinking alcoholic non-working and non-participating parent.... who was also emotionally abusive. And, I would do it again.

I'm glad my XWH is not her father and I will humbly be thankful to God for bringing me the one light in my life since all of this horror and pain struck me on D day. I did nothing to deserve it all.....but she is a gift. And, no matter how difficult it is ....being a single mom..... I will never regret her. I will never let her down. I will never falter in supporting her in all endeavors and in all aspects of her life until the day I die. Because I refuse to be like her father or like my mother and his mother and his father who have all abandoned her and me. She will know nothing but love for as long as I am breathing..... I will do whatever it takes to protect, love, cherish, and be there for my daughter.

She is my one and only. She is my unconditional love. She is all. And, if someday..... a REAL man comes into my life....worthy of having both of us in his life.... then I will gladly share my gift with him. But, I will patiently wait for that hopeful moment...... with no expectations.... a heavy heart.... but hopeful soul....

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