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Could use your advice, SI'ers

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marlie2014 posted 3/18/2014 14:34 PM

Hi. I haven't posted on here for a bit because I've been so busy concentrating on obtaining citizenship in the country in which WS and I live. I've mentioned before some of my reasons for doing this, so I won't repeat them here unless asked.

My citizenship test is next week, so I finally see a light at the end of this long, stressful tunnel.

I had not been able to file for divorce because of my migratory status being neither one thing nor the other, but I do plan to do so as soon as I pass the test. WS knows this and is in agreement.

So here's the thing. In order to make sure I leave this marriage with everything I want, I have not been able to go NC with WS. I have not been able to express my anger or my pain to him. Any time I seemed less than sweet and accommodating, he threatened me that he would not let me have the house unless I gave him his own way.

Specifically, WS is a SA and very irresponsible with money. He moved out in November and since then has asked me multiple times to loan him money, none of which of course he has paid back. I find the fact that he cheated on me for years with teenage girls and that he still thinks he has a right to ask me for loans infuriating, yet all this time he has known that if I refused, he could pull the rug out from under me.

Anyway, the whole process of obtaining citizenship and getting the house papers put in my name has taken far longer and has cost far more than I had imagined possible, and we're sooooo close to both legal matters being finished which means we're soooo close to filing for divorce. Thank GOD.

Now I want to it worth it at this point to let him know how I really feel (I mean once the ink has dried on the citzenship and house papers, not before)? I think he still imagines that we might reconcile...I think he imagines that I'm not that angry, that I still love him, that I still wish he would come back to me. I've had to put on this sweetness and unicorns act because of his veiled threats. But frankly, once we have filed for divorce, I don't want to see or speak to him again. And I want a chance to tell him exactly where he should go and in what kind of handbasket.

So? Suggestions?

norabird posted 3/18/2014 14:55 PM

I think you can certainly communicate to him, once the ink is dry, that you wish to have no contact with him ever again. I doubt he would truly 'get' any of your reasons or anger but I also think if you want to express those things, it is your right to do so.

Edie posted 3/18/2014 15:02 PM

for the moment, write it all in a letter, and keep the letter.

For the moment.

WeepingBuddhist posted 3/18/2014 15:13 PM

Do whatever you need to do to get out of the relationship in the way you want. If smiling and counting the minutes works, do it! Do not jeopardize your future happiness to his stupidity. Depending on your circumstances, playing nice/dead may be necessary until you are finalized. You can do this, though. Write it out and then burn it or talk to a friend, just keep yourself in the best position for your NEXT life.

ButterflyGirl posted 3/18/2014 15:34 PM

I would definitely suggest NOT doing that.

He doesn't deserve to hear how you are feeling. As you've felt the need to "pretend" right now, I suspect anything you tell him will fall on deaf ears anyway. It's more likely to inform him how to piss you off in the future rather than change how he feels. I would suggest staying the status quo and then disappearing.

He likes teenage girls? That tells me he likes people that are easy to manipulate. It's hard to manipulate people you don't know, so don't open up to him..

Gemini71 posted 3/18/2014 17:35 PM

Writing it down for your own sanity is a good idea. However, after the citizenship and house papers are done you won't be free yet. There is still the Divorce. Depending on where you are it can be quick and easy or long and tortuous. Keep your feelings to yourself until AFTER the Divorce. ETA Hopefully by then, you won't care anymore.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 5:35 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 3/18/2014 18:08 PM

Writing it down for your own sanity is a good idea. However, after the citizenship and house papers are done you won't be free yet. There is still the Divorce. Depending on where you are it can be quick and easy or long and tortuous. Keep your feelings to yourself until AFTER the Divorce. ETA Hopefully by then, you won't care anymore.

THIS! Oh, this!

You have to divorce him before you are safe & free. Not only does he not deserve to know your heart or mind any longer, he absolutely WILL use whatever words you foolishly give him in a letter against you.

Anything in writing, be it electronic, chat, twitter, or printed out on paper, will be used against you. Don't hand him a loaded gun.

marlie2014 posted 3/18/2014 20:05 PM

Thank you for the good advice.

Unless he changes his mind, we will be getting what is called a 'voluntary' divorce here. As we have no children together, it should take -- from what I was told by a lawyer and what I read -- approximately 5 weeks.

If he decides to get nasty, I will opt for the 'necessary' divorce, in which I will have to produce evidence of his infidelities. That's not difficult (see my tagline below about the OC+); however, I know he does not want me dragging his escapades into the light, since some of them should have landed him in jail. (Allow me to add that at no time while they were happening was I aware of it, nor would I willingly withhold information from the local authorities; however, the statute of limitations had passed on these by the time I found out that it was all true. Also the current soon-to-be-born OC is by a legal adult, albeit barely legal)

So I'm fairly sure that we will be going the quick, less expensive route -- even if it's only to save his own goose from being cooked. Public humiliation is not exactly something he would want, and if he wanted to get nasty I could not only make it very ugly for him here but also tell his entire family about the girls, their ages, and another really horrifying fact of which they know nothing. Knowledge is power, after all.

As for those who said not to put anything in writing until it's finalized and that by then I won't care, I'm sure that's very good advice especially since he's running around now with a fleabag crooked lawyer for a friend.

My one trump card (other than my intimate knowledge of potentially damaging escapades) is that he never has any money. He couldn't afford to pay the fleabag lawyer, who doesn't work for free.

Also, he has been expelled from our church. So he knows that once divorced, he is not supposed to talk to me. But since I've been his codependent all these years, I know it will be hard for him to just quit cold turkey. And I want nothing more to do with him once it's all final!

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