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islesguy posted 3/18/2014 14:51 PM

With all I have done to make my BS feel not special, I am really struggling with ways to show her how special she really is to me. How have you been able to show the person you treated so horribly that she/he is special when trying to reconsile?

neverdidithink posted 3/18/2014 14:54 PM

No stop sign so BS response:

Tell the truth without exception: Big truths, small truths, easy truths, hard truths.

Be completely transparent - offer the truth directly, and provide every possible access to the truth.

Aubrie posted 3/18/2014 14:58 PM

Eveything that neverdidithink said.

Do you know her love languages? Speak them to her with your actions.

How did you win her at the beginning of the relationship? Did you walk up to a random chick and propose? Doubtful. Court her man. All those silly romantic things you did before, do it again. And keep doing it. Don't ever stop.

islesguy posted 3/18/2014 15:00 PM

All those silly romantic things you did before, do it again.

Yes, but the problem is that they are all triggers now and reminders of what should have been.

BeautifulEmpty posted 3/18/2014 15:08 PM

Don't make her beg or even ask repeatedly for things like transparency etc...just give them.
Don't ask her to help you think up the work yourself...much like you just did by asking us here. That's a great idea..but asking her to do your thinking for you? Not so much.
Be proactive.
I'm a mad hatter of sorts and while I've learned a lot In regards to my own days of screwing everything up, my time here is helping me heal from years of poor judgement, abuse, infidelity, just many things. My H is working very hard to repair us so I'm not really complaining here but the things that have not helped us move forward are the things above. He isn't cocky or anything...he's mostly forgetful and he isn't particularly good at thinking through things but those are exactly the things I need as a BS.
Other things...don't lie about anything.
Be very careful with your words. Be mindful of things like music, movies etc that might be triggers.
Be prepared to,handle triggers with a load of grace, understanding and not playing the "my feelings got hurt" game.
Lastly, build new special things that you two do not share with anyone for any reason. Just yours.

Good luck!

BeautifulEmpty posted 3/18/2014 15:11 PM

One last her that you are working on yourself in ways that go,above and beyond and that she can see without her having to say anything about it.
If you are reading a book about affairs it in fronts of her.
If you are sling anything to grow yourself, let her see. You don't have to set fireworks or anything but just don't hide it.
It really helps me to be able to see that my H is doing things I appreciate.

RippedSoul posted 3/18/2014 23:46 PM

BS here. Do the little things. My SLAWH hasn't done many big things, but he's done a whole lot of little things--many without my asking. And those things he's figured out for himself have much more meaning even than the things I've asked him to do for me. Many of our triggers are when he travels (which he does A LOT) because that is when he acted out. Now when he travels, he'll FaceTime me (something he set up), he has uploaded an app (tripcase) to my phone that gives me ALL his travel data (rental car, hotel, flight, updates), he knows when I wake up each morning and almost always has a text waiting for me to wish me a good morning, he uploaded "find my iPhone" so I can track his movements, he's changed standing travel orders so that his flights can be changed without incurring a fine and he can come home early if meetings/conferences end early, etc. At home, he's simply more loving. He greets me sweetly when he comes home, he's nicer than he's ever been, he helps more, he's more verbal with his praise, he compliments me in front of others--including our children, he's less defensive when talking about the A, he's blocked her phone number on his new phone, he's going more often to IC . . .

All those little things, taken together, make me feel special. And there are dozens of little phrases he uses, things he's said, that give me hope that we might just make it. Every time he goes to church with me or meets me after S-Anon meetings for a treat or kisses my forehead or delivers my phone to work (if I've forgotten it at home yet haven't asked for it), or does a household chore that he hasn't done in a long time--every time I end up feeling more special.

Find a few of her favorite things and do them. Ask her, sure, what she'd like. But try to anticipate others. It's so powerful when you take that initiative. Good luck!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 11:48 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

Zayda1 posted 3/19/2014 05:34 AM

Be proactive. Do things to help her without her having to ask. Be transparent at all times. Work on yourself. Go to IC and figure out why you had an affair. Apologize and do it often. Let her see your remorse. Learn her love language and use it to help her feel special. Take time to just be with her. Don't stop doing these things because you feel she is better. Keep trying to make her feel special for the rest of your life.

Elpis posted 3/19/2014 14:20 PM

Make intimacy a priority. Not sex...intimacy.

Prayingforhope posted 3/19/2014 14:42 PM

Learn a new skill that can be focused on her...something small, something nice, something that says "I learned this from scratch and I want to share it only with you"...

The only thing I'm allowed to give my wife is breakfast, so I have become one of the world's great smoothie creators. I also learned how to carve flowers out of fruit, but I'm still a novice in that area. Both new skills, just for her...

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