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Ever want to "out" your WS to their family/friends?

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longnightmare posted 3/18/2014 15:22 PM

I'm almost sure I've seen this post before but I can't find it now... and I apologize for posting so many threads today!!!

But have you ever wanted to tell everyone exactly what WS has done??? Or HAVE you already?
I don't think I would ever do it, but I hate that my WHs family and friends dont know the real H that i live with every day... they dont know why i act the way i do when i cant get away from triggers, they dont know how much pain he has inflicted over the years, and when he tells people about me being bitchy or checking up on him etc, they feel bad for him! I wish he wouldn't have his comfy fake persona anymore, and people could see him for real!

MailServer posted 3/18/2014 15:27 PM

I've wanted to. To all his friends and family because of the blameshifting, gaslighting and multiple DDays with the OW. I even wanted to put up a special website and buy his name as a website domain. But, I am an extremely private person and no one knows - not even my own close friends and family members. No one. I guess you could say I suffered in silence.

sohurtbyhim posted 3/18/2014 15:34 PM

I've wanted to out him too, but haven't. I even lost my best friend from college because I didn't tell anyone. She knew me too well so to save his respectability, I avoided her and eventually ended losing her friendship. It's so sad.

We haven't told his family and I won't, nor will I ask him to. I do privately wish that he would man up and tell them so that they may understand why I act the way I do if a trigger comes up.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 3/18/2014 15:45 PM

I thought most people recommend outing the affair?

I know its shameful, but its not your shame. Its your spouse's shame.

Why protect him?

I've always been of the mindset that protecting the WS from consequences does no good, and that includes not revealing his affair to family. Im not saying they need to know all the sordid details, but why should you take the rap for being difficult and moody and pissed off, when one could let them know "Hey, he cheated. That's why we are where we are today."

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:48 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

sodeeplysaddened posted 3/18/2014 15:52 PM

At first I just told a few people IRL. Eventually I told my family but to 'protect' him, I didn't tell anyone on his side of the family.

Well, fast forward and DDAY2 arrives. I was planning to divorce him then. I had HIM call his parents and tell them why we were heading towards D. He talked to them, I listened. I didn't let him sugar coat the truth (as I knew it at that time). That was one of the best things I ever did!!

His parents were so supportive of ME. I believe the humilation he had sharing it with him finally helped realize how disspicable it all was.

soloney posted 3/18/2014 15:54 PM

I just did this today.

I have kept the A very secret for a long time because of fear of judgement.

My MIL has always been very supportive, like a mother to me. I sent her a lengthy message today about everything we are going through. I did not give her any details. I just described how what we are going through is impacting our M. I do not know how she will respond and my H doesn't know I told her. But it did feel good to hit send on the message.

Unagie posted 3/18/2014 15:57 PM

I outed myself to all my family and majority of friends. It was like once I confessed to him I couldn't keep it in anymore and it all poured out in waves. The only time he stopped me was when I was going to tell our mutual college friends. Other then that his family, my family, his friends and my friends all know. When he had his RA I told my family and friends. Pretty positive his don't know much and if they do they support his views on it.

Kelany posted 3/18/2014 15:58 PM

I did out him, on both ddays to my parents and his. I asked him to tell his two best friends too.

I do NOT regret it.

1000eyes posted 3/18/2014 16:26 PM

I nearly did with his sister she was at my house on DDay. She comes up to me and tells me I should excercise more so "my head won't trouble me so much" apparently WH told her I was just randomly getting angry for no reason because Im crazy like that. Oh I wanted to tell her so bad I got as far as "Well what if I told you...". but I lost my nerve. She was so naively adamant that her brother loved me and would NEVER do anything bad to me. I just couldn't bring myself to do it

ruby44 posted 3/18/2014 16:35 PM

I told his mother, brother, best friend, my parents, siblings, the OW's BS. True colors come out and his family, ducked and ran. Stopped calling me and just told him they wanted him to be happy and hoped we worked it out.
My family was so supportive but told me that no matter what, R or D. They would support me and our dd's and do whatever I asked. If I was willing to forgive so were they.
His family, I feel that they abandoned me at the worst part of my life. My MIL's first husband cheated on her but she "could not remember what it felt like so had no advice/support" Just be prepared for fallout. My BF disappeared because her M was in worse shape then mine and the mirror was too close I think. I do not regret telling anyone. I know who is true and who is false.

JustForgave posted 3/18/2014 17:13 PM

Yes, yes, YES!

Only, I've asked WH to do it himself. I've asked him to not only tell what he did, but apologize, to:
1. My best friend and her husband, who where there to hold me up when I was going through hell.
2. His mentor, who expects him to be an upstanding, honorable man.
3. His parents, who I KNOW expected better from him than this, and who have heard only about how unhappy he was with me, and probably how difficult I was to please. (And we both suspect that his father may have had affairs, but we don't actually know.)
4. My stepmother, who is the only family I have left. My father passed away in the middle of WH's second A, and really, that's probably a good thing, because God help WH if my father had still been alive when this came out.

As yet, and Dday was almost a year ago, he hasn't done this. He complains that I want him to fall on his sword. So I said, yep! I want him to fall on the very same sword he used to slice my heart into pieces.

I know I won't regret it when he finally does it.

Lovedyoumore posted 3/18/2014 17:18 PM

Yes, but like everything else in our lives, I would be blamed for not being the wife I should have been. I would be the villain.

BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 17:29 PM

You're damn straight I did. I told his family-most of them told me I was messed up and he did nothing wrong. But yeah-where do you think he learned his conflict avoiding? I told several of his friends.

I told ALL of my friends. I felt like he broke a little of all their hearts as well. They also believed he was such a great guy and would often comment about him. Kinda took the shine off of Mr. The Guy You'd Like Your Husband To Be Like. They were shocked. I just remember repeating "Imagine MY surprise!"

I also made him take a letter I wrote to the husband of the coworker he started an EA with. (He works with him too). Basically spelled out what he did and that I thought he should know. I even wrote that I wouldn't blame him for punching my husband if he felt he needed to.

I'm NOT keeping his nasty little secrets. I did nothing wrong. Exposure helps bring them back to reality. Funny how something that seemed so great becomes mortifying when the whole world knows. Stupid idiot.

and when he tells people about me being bitchy or checking up on him etc, they feel bad for him!
Sounds like he has no problem telling the world. I think you should fill them in on the rest of the story. That's bullshit that he's pressuring you like that.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 5:30 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

marionwendy posted 3/18/2014 17:44 PM

I did it! I don't regret it one bit! He deserved everything he got! He made the choice he suffers the consequences ! He lost friends and so did I but I have true friends... Turns out he doesn't! The only one who supports him is his mother who baby's him anyways! As far as I'm concerned they deserve each other both are pathetic!

strengthandhope posted 3/18/2014 17:50 PM

YES, I wish I could!! Christmas of 2012 I stayed home when it was our time to visit his family. I was having a rough time since DD#3 was at Thanksgiving time. I didn't feel like going and pretending. I wanted to be home with my mom and brother. I let him take the kids, because they should still be able to see his side of the family. They are nice people, and I feel bad for ditching on them, but personally I could not handle it. I did get some fallout from his grandmother who thought I didn't come because she posts some crazy conservative things on FB and I am openly liberal. We never have clashed, and respect each other's opinions, but I know she was searching for an answer. I never called to say Merry Christmas. I did have a great day with a great meal with my two closest family members.

We are on DD#4 now and I have only told a handful of my closest friends. The reason I do not is because if things do work out, I do not want anyone to think badly of him. I have my support system and am strong for now, and that's enough for me.

If we do D in the future, I will make sure his family knows the truth. I do not want them to think I'm the bad guy or judge me. I want to have a good relationship with them for the sake of the kids. It is a personal choice, one I have weighed heavily.

Especially in the moments of Discovery or anger or hurt, I just want to put him on blast all over FB. I am happy I have maintained my cool enough. He is remorseful (for real this time I hope) and is seeking help for his SA, so I will bide my time with major decisions. Good luck to all and thank you for sharing and allowing me to share.

jpumpkin posted 3/18/2014 18:07 PM

I told his mom the first time around. I needed to talk to someone who wouldn't hate him, because I knew I wanted to work it out. Other than that, I've never said anything about any of our problems. He's been really amazing the last few years. I'd like to say if he were still pulling the same stunts and acting like husband and dad of the year, I'd finally out him. .... But I didn't back then, so I guess I'd have to be really fed up.

Recently, my own mother made a ridiculous comment about him being too good for me. Gee, mom, if you only knew.

[This message edited by jpumpkin at 6:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

Skye posted 3/18/2014 19:11 PM

I haven't told for a number of reasons, but one is it's my ace in the hole. If he does anything to screw me over financially, I will tell the world. It is the only consequence that he would feel and dread. He has gotten away scot free, otherwise.

MoonLitSmile posted 3/18/2014 19:20 PM

The day I found out I outed him to a very good mutual friend. I know that got to him in a major way. Over the next few weeks I told my BFF who was beyond furious with him but agreed to support my choice of R even tho I know it infuriated her. She has since forgiven him, altho not until after she gave him a huge piece of her mind. I then told another very good, life long friend and it turned out she was going thru the same thing! I was on a roll then and outed him to our friend and her DH. They were shocked. I know that one also got to him as they are just as close to him as they are to me. The embarrassment and shame. I think that did him well and helped pull his head out of his ass a little faster. I have not outed him to family. He really doesn't have any and I think this would crush mine. I'm okay with that because I've told who I really wanted to, and they have all been supportive

HurtinginSoCal posted 3/18/2014 19:51 PM

D-Day was night before daughter's bday. I outted AP to her BS. That next day her BH wanted the four of us to meet and they said they were divorcing. She worked for fWH so if they were divorcing I was sure it (why) would come out. And since fWH's parents were coming over with bday present for our daughter I told him it best they hear from him and not anyone else and made him tell them. It was a two-fold "win" for me. 1) I really wanted to "tell on him" and got him to tell on himself and 2) It was a tool in keeping him from going back to AP. I knew he be too ashamed to continue on with her once his parents knew.

He confessed to those close to him at work, his parents and sibs (and spouses) all know now and I shared with a number of friends. My family still doesn't know, but I think I'll have to share at one point to explain my disconnect over the holidays. It is his shame, although I feel some shame and responsibility for the problems and "failure" of our marriage at that point, but NOT AT ALL for the choices he made.

[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 11:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Jls0320 posted 3/18/2014 20:02 PM

My closest friends and family know the entire story, he told his couple of close friends but I filled in the details for them this past weeknd. I should also say his close guy friends and I were friends before my husband and I met, it's how we met, so I consider them by good friends as well. He told his parents he was an ass to me and that was it, which is fine because they could care less

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