Before our recent struggles we were the couple people envied, the golden couple, soul mates, best friends.
Hi Olwen........you wrote the above, but both my wife and I either one could have written this.
In many ways our M would support that statement.
Unfortunately, we had intimacy blockers in place that would not allow all of that to be 100% true. And that "missing percentage ", although small in size was large in importance.
We were "only's" too. THAT "special" is NEVER coming back.
But I firmly believe the "special" we are going to get out of this trial will trump any "special" that was given away or taken from our M as a result of my wife's A.
Those intimacy blockers? Finding, facing, and dispelling them now. What will be left is a soft, supple heart that is open to bonding......that is something that we lost in our respective childhoods.
We lost a key "specialness" as children.....we didn't realize it because of the lie that "children are resilient all on their own".....that our FOO, while dysfunctional, did not harm us. I mean, we aren't on drugs, never sexually abused, have good careers.....we are fine, right?
By all surface level indicators we were a great couple....and on the surface we were! The problem is, deep down we were walled off....we had a toughened calloused heart. No, we weren't jaded people, that shines through even at the surface level. What we were were two people doing the best we could, intelligent enough to recognize the "good " of our M AND that something was "just not right", but not able to do more than that....very much like we felt as children. Why? Because we grew up fast and missed "maturing" some parts of ourselves.
So what did we do? We honed and polished our coping skills.... Skills that were established in childhood, beautifully polished as adults, but still just a way to cope with life....not process life. Doing this did nothing but keep us blind and propagate the charade of "a completely matured, developed couple".
Bonding is a process and requires vulnerability. My wife and I are learning to be more vulnerable, to be radically honest, and to live within an "intentional marriage". Much of our M was one crafted by "default"......we knew what we didn't want. We are now crafting what we do want. Actually, learning what Gods design for M is is a more accurate way to put it.
To do this we can no longer remain ignorant and immature in those key parts of what is the foundation of mature intimacy.
I absolutely believe what I have with my wife is special. We married for a reason. God allowed us to marry. This is painful, exhausting work.... But we are called to do it and are up for the trial. YOU ARE TOO!
That specialness your friends noted? That was not a lie. Take comfort in the "realness" of that. But it was not a "whole description" of your M either.
Yes, your husband intentionally deceived you. My wife intentionally deceived me. But as I look at my own heart I see clearly how I deceived myself long before my wife's A....and how that deception hurt our M, how I deceived my wife too. I know the "intentionality" matters with regards to the level and type of pain felt.....but it doesn't change the fact that ALL deception interferes with bonding and intimacy. Wholly intentional or wholly subconscious.....deception is an intimacy blocker that prevents deep intimacy from occurring. And THAT is the specialness we never had and we will gain from this trial. Not keeping the "only's" trait of our original M seems a small price to pay for that.
This singular fact alone is why I believe 90% of all relationships started as a WS chooses an AP fail.......those relationships, unlike our marriages, were started on a bed of lies and blatant deception. Rest assured that there was no specialness to your husbands adulterous relationship, nor mine.
Your husbands fAP had at least two other guys at the same time performing different roles for her. My wife's fAP reportedly had at least one other woman before my wife and found another within 2 months after dumping my wife. That type of "specialness" is cheap and easy. Cheap and easy doesn't last. Sin doesn't last. Sin is instant gratification. Sin is destructive.
What we are doing is constructive in nature. We are finding and using new tools by which to construct a new M. We (all involved in true R) are building something special.....I just know it.
Long post......wanted you to know in your heart that real specialness awaits those who preserver. That some of that original specialness remains.
Keep the faith.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]