We are less than 3 months out. Getting some TT. Mostly seems like it's never a good time to talk about the A. WS job stress, chores around home, etc. It's very important to me, but I also don't want to use up our times for us to relax together which I really do enjoy We have had one MC session. It will be a month between before the next, but hoping to be more regular then. So I'm glad I found SI. I spent the first month obsessively looking for more evidence/info. That was replaced by extreme sadness that I may never know what I think I need to. Then questioning why I had that need. I've made some sense of that now. Mostly thinking that everything that makes me trigger may have nothing at all to do with the A, I just imagine it does. WS is doing some things right. Keeping in touch, Find a friend on the phone. Accounting for where he is. But....
at the end 2nd of 2 Q&A talks (around 1 month after Dday) I said, ok, so lets go through your phone.. I thought he was going to pass out!! He said, NO, we are not doing that! Not while I was still so worked up about everything... WTF!? then some excuse about screen to small, blah, blah, I asked if there were pics, etc, he said no. Told him if there were any contacts he could not explain, they should be deleted. He said he could pull up the list on his laptop. I felt a defeat then, that I'm not sure I have recovered from. He changed the password on his laptop when I got so obsessed. I think there is probably nothing new to find there anyway. He now keeps his phone VERY close. Though I have the pw to that and have snooped. He's had time to delete all now. I still would not feel comfortable just picking it up in front of him... sad... I have explained, but not enough I guess the need for transparency. He thinks as long as he is nice, we are communicating and loving to each other, all should be good.
I guess I have not really pushed because I'm still on the fence. But have decided that I can't worry about the outcome. That if it is going to be a better marriage we have to do the work to find out.
When I see here how much other WS are willing to spend a lot of time talking about A, I feel so far from that. I told him if I keep feeling that he is not willing, we may have to separate. He assured me he was willing. But then seems to fill time with everything he can think of so I never feel it is the right time.
I feel like if we can't even get through the details of the A, then I'm never going to get to the hard questions. I have one main one in my mind. I don't know who the OW is. His story of how they found each seems a bs story. A guy he worked with and only once a month for a few months gave him the number of a woman that was the roommate of this guys ex from years ago. The guy knew WS is married. She lives a few hours away. they texted, talked, hit it off and he met her when in the area. WS says just 3 times. One of those times, she came to near where we live to meet him in a hotel. She finally figured out he was married and ended the PA, but stayed in touch with him for a while. Last contact was a week or so after Dday and he replied with a NC text. The guy that gave the number, conveniently moved out of state. So I have no way of knowing if any of that story is true. I have 2 theories. One is he met her on an internet site. The other is it is actually someone he has known in that town for a while through work-is possibly married. He will not give a name, won't tell any specifics about her-well that she had 2 kids, one grown and one 10. Anything else about her is off limits. He says she has nothing to do with it, not her fault, blah, blah. Ok, so she still contacted him, if only about trivial stuff for months after knowing he was married. I just feel like she is the answer to me finding out how they met for sure. And if she is fact married, her BS needs to know. I have not said any of this to him at all. Is it right for him to protect her if she didn't know he was married at first, no matter how stupidly she acted? Unprotected sex being some of it....He also gave her a fake name.