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Will I ever 'move on'?

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hester posted 3/18/2014 18:12 PM

When I first came here in 2006, I was in so much pain. Since then I have divorced and had another relationship for 2.5 years. I've been told so many times that time will heal, but to be honest whenever I think of my marriage and our 20 years together it makes me cry. I don't understand how someone who loved me so much ended up having an affair and ultimately leaving me and our family. I miss my previous home, I miss our marriage, I miss my ex husband and our family holidays. It sounds like I'm stuck in the past but I live a busy and active life and rarely think about my past marriage…. largely because its still so painful. Is this the same for anyone else?

clralb posted 3/18/2014 19:00 PM

Thoughts like this would hit me now and then.

I remind myself he didn't love me, at least not the way I thought or the way I had loved him.

What I mourned was what I thought I had, what I thought we had together. I thought we were special. Not even close. My feelings were real; his were not.

Any thought of him now is just an irritation.

I think healing time is different for each person. I was missing something that never really existed.

Yay. Infidelity. The gift that keeps on giving.


cayc posted 3/18/2014 20:05 PM

I'm similar to you. Healed and moved on and yet ... that punch in the gut and the question of why comes up.

I've realized that if I don't counter that thought with a counter-thought (e.g. why? because he was selfish why? because he was a con artist why? because he was lying and dishonest from the get go why? because he was never who he said he was etc.)

It doesn't stop the gut punch to do that, but it does stop the thought in it's tracks the second I have it. And the more I repeat, the more it my stubborn brain will accept it as true and I will stop caring about the past.


norabird posted 3/18/2014 21:50 PM

Maybe you need to go back in and face that pain again before you can let it go. If it's still lurking, bringing it to the surface and properly feeling all of the hurt once and for all, again, may be the trick. I'm sorry it's been so long for you to have this haunting you.

Merlin posted 3/19/2014 06:11 AM

It's difficult not to be in love with your memories. I know that I am. That perfect family - all pulling the same direction. The love, commitment, security, fulfillment, sense of purpose.

Yeah, I'm there. Whenever I hear of a friend's long-term anniversary, I die a little. I know that, even if I remarried today, I will never have that long marriage.

I know that our kids are and will be dealing with the lack of an intact family - the comfort and feelings of safety that come with family.

But these are memories now, only memories.

Caretaker1 posted 3/19/2014 07:52 AM

IC might help if you find the right one. Exercise, eating right, if needed, temporary antidepressants or anti anxiety meds, do things that make you happy, but I get it. In some ways some of us are romantics and are not ever going to be able to turn the page so readily and take on the attitude, life is short, and find and rebuild with someone new at a later stage. Some people are built that way. I am not, but I also realize, it's a journey. I was verbally and emotionally and at one point physically abused. I am responsible for part of the breakdown of the marriage. It will be a lifetime of seeing my kids half the time.

Is your ex remarried? Mine will be once ink is dried with someone met immediately after S. I want as little contact with this chaos and drama. You need to look back and say, yes there were great times, but this person crossed a major boundary. Sometimes it's forgivable if there is total remorse and regret and working back to gain trust and respect. Other times like in my case, I was dealing with Cluster B traits and triangulations, gas lightings, major projections, and taking more than giving. Immaturity and shortsightedness. It was the most toxic and physically and mentally draining relationship that I was ever in and I need to better understand why my love took me to being dependent and tried to fix this person. There is no fixing others and I am not someone's doormat.
Life is a journey. Like a death you grieve in your own way, some move fast and let it go, others have it come in waves. To this day, out of nowhere I will get feelings for Grandparents that passed almost 20 years ago, and the sadness and happiness, and emptiness feelings will wash over me. It's being human. It's being true to myself that I am sensitive and that I won't rug sweep. If it doesn't interfere with me getting out of bed being productive and being there for myself, family, friends, and in your case, a 2.5 year relationship, it's OK

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:56 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

IWantDoOver posted 3/19/2014 13:22 PM

I miss my previous home, I miss our marriage, I miss my ex husband and our family holidays.

It sounds like you embrace the "traditional" view of happily ever after: Husband, Home, Holidays.

What's stopping you from going after/embracing that tradition?

InnerLight posted 3/19/2014 18:25 PM

I have also moved on in many ways, but have more memories and missing my old life than I care to admit. I dreamt of X this morning, and that feeling of closeness I felt in a long term home companion. Obviously lots was wrong, but we felt like family and I don't have that feeling much anymore.

I am a romantic, my marriage was really precious to me, a sacred entity. I am with a nice man now for 4 years, but my trust is not very good. My heart is OK for the initial stages of love, but not for anything with much commitment. I am really not sure how much it has to do with this man because I suspect a lot has to do with my difficulty trusting.

I don't have crying breakdown missing him or our marriage much any more. Once every 6 weeks or so it's like a stabbing pain but only lasts for 5 minutes. It's more like a background low grade cringing feeling like nothing is quite right and I don't have faith that it will be right again in the future.

ProbableIceCream posted 3/19/2014 18:40 PM

It gets easier to understand over time. Why did someone who loved me do that? Easy. She didn't love me as much as I thought she did. If we could understand dysfunction and craziness it wouldn't be dysfunction and craziness.

Many of these feelings can come from depression/unresolved trauma, also. If you're constantly suffering and you're not being treated for depression and doing therapy... consider doing both.

quedagh posted 3/19/2014 18:58 PM

I understand- sometimes I miss what it was supposed to be when I feel down.


When I really think through the details, it differs from what I think and I notice it was me doing the work, making the details, creating the traditions, and writing the script.

Now as the half time single father- I do all that still, and it is way more fun! The moodiness, lack of involvement, unenthusiastic responses and overall wet blanket attitude is gone.

Then I remind myself I was looking at the fantasy that still lingers.

I don't think healing means you forget or that it still doesn't hurt once in awhile. I have surgery scars that healed twenty years ago and they still sometimes hurt like crazy.

I think moving on so that it exists as a mere blip is dishonest to the years invested in the marriage and family.

You have moved on. But you still have the sum total of experiences that make you you.

Newlease posted 3/20/2014 10:02 AM

I was married just shy of 24 years - got married when I was 20. I had this idea of spending our "empty nest" with grandkids having sleep overs and always wanting to come visit grandma and grandpa. I thought we might travel - have a little break from the constant struggle to just stay afloat raising our family.

Well, that didn't come to pass, BUT - I still have the grandkids over and they love to come to my house (they don't see my X much because he can't handle them on his own - big surprise)!

As for the traveling, I've done it with my SO and a great group of friends. And when I think about it, X never really liked to travel and he certainly hasn't done any since the D.

And the best part is that I'm not a grandma sitting at home rocking on the front porch, I'm a MOTORCYCLE riding Nana who comes to see them on my ride and they brag to their friends about me.

So life didn't turn out like I planned, but it has turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined. You have to let go of the past and turn towards the future. It can be what you make of it and it all starts with attitude.

When I chose my "name" for this site, I certainly wasn't feeling like a Newlease. But I knew that's where I wanted to get to - a New Lease on life. And I made my way there through determination.

Sending strength and peace.


InnerLight posted 3/20/2014 11:28 AM

Beautiful, NL. That's for the morning's inspiration.

tabitha95 posted 3/20/2014 12:09 PM

Nicely put NL.

I agree. After DDay #1, then DDay #2 and then after the D, I was feeling like my present and future were robbed from me. I was living one day at a time, just trying to make it through life.

I'm so much different now. In such a good way.

Yes, I still have moments where I can't believe the person I was so devoted to and in love with could hurt me so terribly...and the betrayal still hurts inside.

But my future is bright. I know that life isn't all roses, and I'll have more challenges in life. Perhaps I just grew up more being by myself and having to make decisions alone.

2-5 years....I did have a turn around at 5 years. and the year between 5 and 6 was the best emotionally.

hester posted 3/22/2014 13:26 PM

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It is so helpful to hear all your experiences and to know that what I feel is not unusual. I can totally empathise with much of what you've written InnerLight, especially your feelings about commitment. NewLease thank you so much for your inspiration.

hester posted 3/22/2014 13:26 PM

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It is so helpful to hear all your experiences and to know that what I feel is not unusual. I can totally empathise with much of what you've written InnerLight, especially your feelings about commitment. NewLease thank you so much for your inspiration.

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