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He admitted he is not giving his all

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Xanaxvictim posted 3/18/2014 19:47 PM

We are almost 1 yr from dday. I have been trying for 1 year to get to the road of reconciliation. He is remorseful, but admitted last week he is not giving his all. He says I'm worth fighting for, but isn't fighting. He is living with his Grandma. I would like to let him come home, but I feel like Id only be doing it for him and our children (4 & 6 yrs old). He says he knows he should be trying harder but yet he doesn't. He has no explanation. He won't go to counseling cuz he says he cannot afford it. He says he loves me and is terrified to lose me. Yet, he doesn't show it. He asked me to try and understand where he's coming from. It's becoming harder for me to find the fight to make this work. Is it wrong to feel that he should be making more effort than I am?

somanyyears posted 3/18/2014 19:59 PM

..have you two discussed what it is you expect specifically?

..maybe he just doesn't know what effort is required.. you need to spell it out for him.

..what is involved in his demonstrating effort? you want him to tell you how much he loves you? more housework? .. bring you flowers?
..make date-nights? take you outmore often? buy you things? open up emotionally? be totally transparent with his time.. access to his electronics?
..more love making.. more kissing/hugging.. point is.. what do you want now?? and does he know it??

..he can't do much if he's with grandma


BtraydWife posted 3/18/2014 20:26 PM

I say don't let him back home until he shows some motivation. You can give him your list of minimum requirements but don't "reward" him for not doing anything.

Tell him until he finds a way into counseling you aren't interested in hearing his excuses. You have a life to live and you don't have time for his bullshit anymore.

If he's not interested in healing your marriage then you'll heal yourself without him.

Stop talking to him. You should be doing the 180. His words mean nothing. Don't fall for it.

Xanaxvictim posted 3/18/2014 20:31 PM

Yes, I have been very specific with him. He even tells me what he thinks he should be doing. And has no explanation why he doesn't. The biggest thing I need is to see the OW's face in person. i dont have anything to say to her. I need him to take me to the bar where she works. I know some think its a bad idea. I know myself, I've thought a lot about it. I know it's what I need to start healing and forgiving both of them. I've told him this, very specifically, several times, for over 3 months. He has ignored my needs, because it will make him uncomfortable to take me there and he is terrified to do it.

But beyond that, I want him to text me good morning and good night. I want him to leave me a note in the clothes bag he sends back with the kids. I want a card in my mailbox or a note left on my pillow when he leaves the house. I trust that he is not seeing her or anyone else. But I want to feel like he is fighting. I don't need material things. After the affair ended and we were in counseling, I explained to him, all I wanted was a plastic flower. Just to know he is thinking of me. In my mind, I should have vases of plastic flowers, now that he is remorseful. I have given him examples of what I need. He just told me the other day, he thinks about doing these things, but yet he doesn't and he doesn't know why. It's hard to believe he wants this to work as badly as he says when his actions dont match his words.

Xanaxvictim posted 3/18/2014 20:44 PM

BtraydWife...thank you for the 180 reminder. I read it months ago. But it's good to read it again and get back on track.

jjsr posted 3/18/2014 21:20 PM

I am sorry to say this but if he not giving it his all and says he is not then he is showing you who he is. If you don't make a move, then he is just going to stay at grandmas and nothing will change

Merida posted 3/18/2014 21:35 PM

hate to sound suspicious = you sure he's ended the A? Won't take you to see the OW? Why? Why don't you just go yourself and confront her than?

I went to the OW mom's house to ask what kind of mother encourages her daughter to plan her "happy ever after" by wrecking an existing family? Who in their right minds encourages their child to wait for over 5 years for a man to "end" a marriage that was supposedly already over?? Found out for myself what a sad sack history the OW comes from, how the OW was lying (no surprise) to her mom, as well as good info about my WHs lies.

anyhow non-commitment sounds fishy to me

Dare2Trust posted 3/18/2014 21:45 PM

I agree -- I sounds like your WH is possibly still in contact with OW; since he refuses to do any of the things "he knows to DO in order to reconcile your marriage -- AFTER A YEAR."

Personally - I'd go to the OW's workplace and politely ask her: "Are you still seeing my husband?"
If she is -- then you should know what your next move will be: Hire an attorney, and file for a divorce; and move on with your life.

IWantDoOver posted 3/19/2014 11:32 AM


Powerlessness/Helplessness is an awful place to live.

I hope one of the two of you decides what you want and goes after it.

Xanaxvictim posted 3/19/2014 17:58 PM

Thank you for the 2 x 4's. it's hard to see the situation for what it really is. I know I have to make a choice of what is best for me. I cannot stay in an unhealthy relationship. It is so hard when we have been together for half our lives. I never wanted my children to come from a broken home. Sigh. I know as soon as I say the word divorce, he will man up and start doing these things. Why does he have to be pushed? Too little, too late

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