We have done MC and IC and even each went to 3 day intensive workshops for SAs and spouses of SAs out of state which cost a fortune. 5 days after I return from the workshop, we have a bad day and he starts packing his bags which he has never done before. I tell him that I will "help." I toss out every article of clothing from the closet into a big heap that buried the suitcases. He got angry and threw his $1400 computer out into the driveway along with his $400 phone-- effectively destroying both. We both did a few other stupid things and then calmed down--for a while. Then I decided I hated life so I started to drink wine. Each of us drank a bottle. I didn't know he also took Temazapan which helps him sleep. Well, he goes to bed and after a while comes into the living room and says something arrogant and goes back to bed. That started another argument--fueled with alcohol (very classy). Eventually, I am totally pissed and decide to act out on an inanimate object. I chose his nightstand.
He was lying in bed. I handed him the glass of water that was on the nightstand so it wouldn't get spilled, then I flipped the damn thing over causing items to scatter about the room. Then I took a small ceramic toothpick holder and smashed it on the floor. I went into the closet and started to pack my stuff.
About 2 minutes later, I return to the living room and he is sitting in a chair stark naked talking to the 911 operator! He is very coherently telling her that he feels unsafe and that I was throwing stuff. I have heard jail cells are cold, so I put on my coat and snow boots. He tells her that I am preparing to run. I was pissed and grabbed the phone from him and explained to her I was preparing for jail, not to run and that I would be waiting at the bottom of my driveway for the troopers.
He stays in the chair and I drag a lawn chair down to the bottom of the drive and wait for the troopers who come within about 10 minutes which surprised me. I take them up to the house and I see my husband in the same chair still stark naked and he's sleeping. I figure that's a fine way to greet the troopers and I don't warn him.
By this time I'm bawling so hard I'm hiccupping because I know husband did not feel afraid of me; he just wanted to get back at me for fighting with him. I'm not saying I should have thrown things, but I didn't throw anything at him nor assault him in any way. Neither of us have ever hit each other. He was coherent enough at this time not to hit me. Anyhow, I didn't get arrested as my husband wished me to, but I did get horribly humiliated. The cops made me take a cab to a hotel while husband went back to bed.
So late the next morning when he woke up, he didn't know where I was nor why the cops had been there. He said he knew the cops were there because he remembered seeing one standing next to the bed, but he didn't know why.
He seems to think because he doesn't remember trying to get me arrested that it shouldn't quite be counted against him. He has been very apologetic, yet I think it's arrogant that he is not horrified about what he did. Is being wasted a valid reason to call the cops to try to get revenge on your wife for fighting? If he remembered it, would that make the situation more serious? Am I overreacting since he doesn't remember any of it? I am baffled about whether to forgive him or what to think in such a situation. He was coherent the entire time he was on the phone and while talking to the cops. Yes, he was drunk, but it's the sleeping pills that kept him from remembering (they do that). So how do I react to this? (By the way, he's agreed to go to AA.)
I am going to offer that if you two remain in the marriage that you both get back into counseling. He needs to take responsibility for what he did. Often WS will continue to blameshift (which is what it all was, you see that don't you?) and make you look crazy to feel some control and superiority.
He isn't remorseful, he is regretting how he looks, not what he did. He wants a pass on this? Is he serious about getting help with the drinking? I think he wants to rugsweep all of it.
Watch actions, not words. Does he go to AA? Does he get a different med to help him sleep that doesn't enhance inappropriate behavior? Does he let you talk about the affairs and not blow up? Those are actions that might help you to heal.
What consists of a bad day for you two? Is it because you are still processing and asking questions about his infidelity? How does he respond when the topic comes up. Marriages have bad days, good days, "meh" days and Wowza days. How does he expect to rebuild a marriage when he caves on a bad day?
Hold him accountable for his actions. A person in a blackout is still prosecuted for vehicular homicide whether or not they remember the car wreck caused by drunken driving.
Your WS is hiding from accountability, responsibility and true remorse. It sounds like he still doesn't get it, but maybe not drinking, not getting hooked in to fights will help in the future for him to finally get it.
Please go to alanon regardless of what your husband does or does not do.
Please do not drink for a while so that you can begin to see your daily life in reality.
I only say these things because I have been there/done that. Once I quit drinking, went to alanon (there are phone meetings, also), I could see the situation a lot more clearly.
My XWH did call the police on us because we would not answer the phone, he put a hole in the back door, drove around town and doesnt remember it.
A few months ago I told WW I felt sad and was having a bad day. She started lecturing me on letting go of the past and so on.
I didn't need that. It actually hurt more, so I started to wash dishes. She walked up to the sink and continued with the verbal abuse. From "you're going to die alone and unhappy because you can't let go" all the way to "no one loves you, even your mother doesn't love you."
I didn't react to that or to any of her name calling. I just went on washing the dishes. She picked up a sharp knife and started pointing it close to my face. When she got close enough to nearly touch, I stepped back and grabbed her wrist. I took the knife from her while she screamed that I was hurting her. I slowly and carefully lowered her to the ground, hugging her the entire time and asking her to stop. She just went on screaming that I was hitting her.
It wasn't true. Luckily, the neighbours called our condo security, not the police. The security guard called and my wife told him everything was OK.
She locked herself in her room, came out about an hour later and apologized. Said that she wanted me to hit her to "even things out."
I have never hit her. Not even close. She's hit me, but because I'm so much physically stronger, it doesn't hurt (except on the inside )
My IC says that kind of thing happens. Some WW just want to be right. They can't stand to be in the wrong, so they set you up like that.
I'm not sure what you should do when she goes off like that, but I do know that when my husband is non-responsive to me, I elevate in order to get him to do SOMETHING. I believe this is a very immature response on my part and I have over the years curbed it. But on the night I flipped over the table, it was because I could not get him to respond to me.
All of this affair stuff is too, too much. Good luck with your situation, and thank you for reminding me that there are men with feelings out there.
I think it's within reason to give him a pass on calling the police, which may have been the healthiest thing that came out of your evening.
He's still on the hook for taking Temazapan with alcohol, which he had to know was a terrible idea. And then there's the dangerous sexual behavior. Whether you give him a pass on the police, he's done so much dangerous and evil stuff that one pass more or less hardly matters, IMO.
This is a very volatile time in your life, and it makes sense to minimize the stress on you. Since you're not handling the stress well, I, too, urge you to get back into IC with a goal of processing your feelings of betrayal and getting control of your behavior.
I think you should demand the same from your H and make it a deal breaker - if he doesn't stop abusing substances and control his own behavior, I think he needs to go, for your well-being and his.
[This message edited by sisoon at 9:54 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]
Alanon really helped me to get a better picture on what was my part in the drama in our home.
Keep posting here, because we all care.
[This message edited by devasted30 at 7:51 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]