We have been together for more than 6 years.The past few have turned into a long distant relationship because he is from Europe and i'm American and we have been applying for a Fiance Visa. He moved from the city we've been living in to go back to his hometown while we apply and moved into a "bachelor" pad which consists of his father (who has never really been in his life always working abroad and who also has frequent affairs) and his brother who is almost 40 and hasn't had a job in 7 years because he prefers to spend most of his time alone in his room chatting with his "friends"
Last may he finally proposed to me last May on our 6th year dating Anniversary after already living apart for a year. I went to visit him in Europe, and he didn't think he was going to propose till the last minute. I felt bad for him because i think he felt like he had to propose to me and he bought a ring he couldn't really afford. I mentioned it to him, and it trully upset him and made him feel like what he did wasn't good enough, which made him believe that maybe i was materialistic. Which in my defense, i was more worried about how he was going to pay his bills after this and how he really felt about marrying me. But i apologized, and went back to the united states wearing his ring happy and proud.
Two months after he proposed, he still didn't let go of the fact that i was a little unhappy about the ring after his proposal. Instead of talking to me, he began to seek advice from a MW. He then got drunk and slept with her. The one time thing, slowly turned into an 6 month A while i was back here in the US trying to fulfil all the requirements as the main provider and making sure our paperwork was on time. i didn't see anything suspicous until he decided to not do his paperwork for our visa on his end and let our approval for a visa expire in November.
He then told me about how he doesnt want to live in the US and how he wanted to stay where he was because after all these years he was bonding with his father and brother. he asked me to move there and be with him, but that was something i needed time to think about.
During Christmas he told me about how his family knew about my unhappiness with the ring. And they all hated me for it. Litterally his entire dad's side of the family including his Aunts, Uncles, Grandmother, and Cousins. They told him he will never be happy with a woman like me. Which made me mad because, they took me being unhappy about the ring the wrong way and saw it as materialistic. I begged my fiance to come out to see me as soon as he can since our paperwork was expired and him visiting the US was now allowed. So he did.
A few days before i picked him up from the Airport, i knew something was different. He was acting distant, wouldn't skype me from his bedroom. always only when he was on his way to work. When i picked him up, he was still acting the same way. He wouldn't touch me, he couldn't even make love to me that night after not seeing him for 8 months.
A few days pass, and he went cycling with some of his friends. So i stayed home and cleaned the apartment putting some of his things back in his backpack. i noticed he had condoms in it. then i noticed his wallet was still in his back pack and in it was a picture of him and his coworker hugging and she is a MW. So i began to snoop on facebook. Then i noticed on facebook she was posting pictures of her and his family hanging out at bars and nightclubs and that she deleted me from her friends list. i looked at her profile picture and it was a selfie of her in her underwear in my F's bedroom! My heart litterally sank!
when i went to pick up my F. i immediately asked him if there was something going on with him and this MW. And it began with him telling me it was just a make out session, then when i wasn't driving, it turned into a one time thing in August when he was drunk, then all of sudden its a relationship that he was still in. He began to beg for my forgiveness and tell me he was going to tell me becaause he was sure it was over between us. Until he saw me at the airport, he said his guilt actually sank in because he couldn't believe what he has just done.
he then began to tell me he tried to end things with the MW and she was even divorcing her husband because she thought he was going to come here and end it with me. And because she had no place to stay, his father invited her to stay at the apartment with them and she has been living there for 3 weeks before he came to see me.
he began to cry and said when he saw me, he knew he messed up so bad that he couldn't touch me. He knew he was still in love with me and that because i hurt his feelings over the ring, he thought that he would use her to try to fall out of love with me. but he never ended it because he wanted to tell me in person and collect the rest of his belongings from our place. but when he saw me, and spent time with me, he said he realized this OW will never compare to the woman that i was. i told him i was done, but he continued to beg. i made him call the OW to tell her it was done. he did, and he put her on speaker phone and told her she was a mistake and she needs to get out of his fathers house. and the next day she did. he told me he has tried to end it on multiple occassions, but because she was such good friends with his father, she would show up at his house complaining about my F and his father would get mad at him and allow her in the house so they can both talk to him about how i wasn't better than her. even his grandmother told him to leave me for her.
over the rest of his visit, i couldn't even look at him. he said his whole family encouraged him to cheat on me because they all hated me and loved the OW. and i do believe that. he showed me text messages from his brother saying why they hated me and liked the OW. They even invited her to christmas where they all spent time talking sh!t about me.
I told him i don't have the energy to fix things. But he said he will fix it. He says he feels terrible and that he can't believe he lost sight of the beautiful relationship we had. He said he will change for me, and he is working on it. And litterally started the day after he went back to Europe. He got into an arguement with his father about the OW because the father felt bad for her because she had no place to go. And the father told my F he was acting like me and isolating himself. He almost got into a physical fight over it with his father, so his father kicked him out of the house.
My fiance is currently homeless, staying at a friends, he completely cut off all ties with his family and including some of his friends/coworkers who supported his A with the OW. He asked for a raise from his work which he got the day he came back, and he now wants me to go try to live there with him for a few months to try to fix things. But the thing is, i still have to give up my job to do this. I do believe he is trying to fix things. He cries everyday and tells me he will take every ounce of hate i have for what he has done because he hates himself for what he has done. I drill him everyday on how our relationship is ruined and he begs me to let him take the chance i said i'd give him. i know he is sorry, but i know actions speak louder than words. i remind him everyday on how he has lied, and he now texts me back immediately and now only has a few friends who know me and support us.
I'm still wondering if giving him a chance was the right thing to do since his actions happened litterally the day after he landed back in his hometown. He says he will fix us and he will prove to me our love will be stronger than ever and that if i give him my heart and love again, he will treasure it forever now knowing that he almost completely lost it. I told him i can't promise him anything. But i would like to see him do the work to fix us. I hear it in his voice and he cries everyday on skype with me because he is ashamed of what he has done to me and us. He regrets the past 6 months and wants nothing but to move foward with me and none of the negative influences he's had. He has changed his number so the father he wanted to bond with can no longer contact him and the samething with the OW and all her friends that new about the A.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to vent to people who know the same kind of situation. Thank you for reading.
So, he is back in Europe. How long will it take for him to get another visa? Now he wants you to give up your job and your life here to "fix" things with him in Europe? IDK I think he needs to fix things. He needs to get the visa. It's his fault it expired. You had all the paperwork in on time while he was having sex with a MW.
I would stick to the original plan. He moves to you. If you still want his cheating ass.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
But i would like to see him do the work to fix us
This is the right approach. You understand intuitively and correctly that it's action that matter, not words.
Frankly I would be very, very cautious about trusting him again or moving forward though of course for him to come be with you and try you'd have to proceed with the visa paperwork. Which he previously chose to cancel!!
I'm just not sure how much he deserves further investment from you after his choices. It is very hard for people to truly change who they are.
I figured we'd put our wedding plans on hold, and instead of just marrying him and moving there, I'd try it out for two months (living there). If I see he hasn't changed, it'll be easy for me to pack my things and never have to see him again. And if he's changed, then we'll work on what we have and talk about marriage again later on down the road. I understand the relationship that we had is now gone and damaged. But if we can build a new one I may have a little hope.
I'm glad all his friends and family who encouraged him are out of his life, hopefully for good. But I'm scared of running into them, apparently the MW has replaced his spot with his family since his father kicked him out. I'm scared of what I'll do when I run into her
This whole thing is affecting him more than it is me. He's lost weight, cries more than I do about it, he's developed skin problems, he's not eating, and he can't sleep. My friend who survived infidelity with her husband told me if he's hurting about this more than you, than you know he can change because if he didn't. He would let you have all the hurt. He vows he will never do this again because it kills him seeing me hurt and that wasn't something he didn't want to ever do.
It's a hard situation.
But the two months that I'm there, his ass is supporting me and paying all my bills back here in the US
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:24 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
For my kind of work, I know I can find a job easily here or there. So if it doesn't work out, I can come back and carry on without him.
I've realized the huge sacrifice I'd have to make for even just trying it out for a few months. I've talked to my boss and she said they would hold a position open until I tell them id come back or not. But I would still have to quit.
He will have his own place, he just signed a lease. He said he doesn't want to move back to the US because he'd get taxed on any property he owns each year (he owns half the house his father kicked him out of but can't sell his half unless his father agrees.) He feels if we did start a life there, health care would be better for us and easier for me to go back to school to get my bachelors would be cheaper. He would be able to provide for me there. He believes quality of life for us and the family he wants to start with me will be better.
And I know I'm going to make a huge sacrifice. But I've got it all figured out if it doesn't work for us when I'm there for a few months.
